Battle Won

I might as well update this little blog, since it has been awhile. But the most recent posts are certainly relevant to the times we live in, aren't they? Indeed, the latest financial troubles highlight the problems that come with being a country that is addicted to debt. Many companies can not even make their payrolls without credit! That is really sad and scary.

As for me and my family, we are officially out of debt except for the house. YAAAAY! FREEEEeeedooOOOMMM!

The last and final big debt fell last month, and boy did it feel good! It has been a journey of several years (much of it documented here) but it was well worth it. We still have a modest house payment, but I'm thinking about refinancing to a 15 year fixed. Or perhaps a 10 or 12 year? The house is the final debt that needs to fall, but I'm not stressing too much on that. There's always some sort of housing expense, even if it is just upkeep and taxes. But having it paid off would really help out my family if anything ever happened to me. As it is, we are just in a better position all around with more options when stuff happens. I'm presently pouring more into savings and will need to do a better job of fully funding retirement.

I give a lot of credit for this progress to Dave Ramsey's plan and the baby steps. For me, it was a plan I could follow and stick with. Sending my wife to one of his live events was also a good move and helped get her on board. I was saying the same things as Dave, but I think we can agree that we don't always follow the advice of our spouse as well as that of someone else sometimes. We got the $1,000 savings set up pretty quickly but I don't remember using that more than once or twice. I did draw off it in order to kill off this latest debt as I had over $3,000 in the savings and just needed a slight shove to finish it off. At the same time, I doubled the amount going into that savings since we are pretty much without payments of any sort now. Increasing the savings now will help us get through step 3 that much faster, which is building up 3-6 months of expenses into savings. That's still going to take some time, because I figure each month I'm saving about 1 weeks worth of expenses. So this is a year-long project at my present rate, assuming we don't have to get anything out of there for any reason.

And our household income is less than $60,000, just to put this into perspective. It is possible to live within ones means with some degree of determination, effort and discipline. We are not driving the latest, newest cars and I am against buying a new one anymore. I just refuse to have a car payment. We do have medical expenses pretty much all the time, but not having payments allows us to pay those off quicker. The house we live in might be described by some as a "starter house" but it is a basic 3 BR 2 BA that we got at a good price that meets our needs. It is needing some work, though. We do go out to eat sometimes but not all the time. As far as groceries, I am the home economist in the family. My hat is off to all other home economist's of either gender, because it is a difficult and absolutely thankless job. I'm the one who has to say "NO" to more expensive foods, more expensive clothes and getting a dog. And saying that little word can save gobs of money and trouble down the road. But boy, do we pay for it in the short term! Especially around the holidays. This year, I think we might have gone a bit far with the boys as they seem to have a ton of stuff! But NO CREDIT CARDS!

I am willing to live like no one else now, so that I can live like no one else in the future. It has been a long, tough fight. Perhaps someone else who reads my story will be inspired to fight and win their own war against debt. I can not remember who, but it was someone in the blogging world who did point me to Dave Ramsey by leaving a comment on one of these pages. So the least I can do is return the favor!

How are y'all doing?

Dealing in Debt

This poor blog! But I said I'd put something here and it didn't take long to decide what it would be.

The New York Times is doing a nifty series on The Debt Trap. Did I or did I not see this coming over a year ago? In going through my own battles and watching the crazy behaviors of others around the country, I knew we were headed for some serious, serious trouble. The question is: was I able to see it in time?

My family has made tremendous gains in the area of paying down debt. No car payments. No student loans. No credit card payments. One unsecured loan that will fall within the next 8 months. All while paying some major medical bills on an income of less than $50,000 per year. But we still have a morrtgage owing more than $80,000. We will have those payments for a long time.

Desperate Husband is one that I've watched for quite some time and he hasn't written much about his financial situation in quite awhile, other than his his struggle to find a new job. He rolled a lot of his debt into an equity loan into his house just like the lady in the NYT article. At the time, I was probably the only one who commented on him that told him that was a bad move. At the time he was already about upside down in his mortgage, and tapping a home equity line put him in even deeper. Now it's likely that he is so upside down that I'll have my loan paid off before he breaks even between equity and debt! And that's even though he out-earns me by around 2:1.

It bugs me that the government is being called upon to bail out the lenders and banks who helped cause this crapfest. The bailout will not help those folks who are being foreclosed on and evicted. It will help shareholders. Since I probably have bank stock in my Vanguard portfolio, I'll partially benefit I suppose. But that will be offset by the increased taxes that I (or my children) will be slapped with to pay for it. The lenders that were stupid enough to lend money out to people they knew would not be able to pay it back should be allowed to fail, go bankrupt and die.

If lenders are a business, they should be allowed to fail like any other business. That's the price of stupidity. If they are in this for charity (like they try to convince congress of) then they shouldn't be whining for a handout, either. They shouldn't foreclose on poor people, but let them stay in their houses for free. How is that any different from the handout banks are asking from the government? If we're handing stuff out, I'd rather see the people who are already in houses stay there and let the businesses pay for their own stupidity. Just hand the deed over. Then the government can still collect the property taxes or rezone the land and kick the poor off to built a shopping mall to generate even more revenue.

Yeah, just let the government take the houses so that neither the poor nor the stupid greedy lending companies can have it! Then sell it on eBay and use sales revenue to lower taxes for everybody who pays taxes.

The Debt/Bankruptcy law of 2005 needs to be repealed. It has done nothing but encourage credit card companies to behave more like thugs. They'll lure you in with a teaser rate and hammer you with the fees.

I'll give you one example of how you think you're being smart, but you are swimming with the sharks.

Say you have $10,000 in credit card debt and get an offer in the mail for a 0% rate for all credit transfers. This sounds too good to be true, but you're tired of paying big bucks on interest so you take the offer. So now you have 0% on that transfer. You might escape the trap, only if you cut that card (and the other one) up immediately and pay it off as soon as you can. But most people don't do that. As it is, you'll spend the next 5 years (or more) paying on that $10,000. Suppose you decide to buy a $1 pack of gum soon after opening up your new line of 0% credit on that new card. Guess what? You'll start paying interest on that pack of gum, and pay the interest on the interest for the next 5 years! That's because payments are applied to the transfer balance first. You don't pay a dime towards the balance you charged (or the fee and interest charges) until that big balance is paid!

Even if you don't charge, you have to pay on time every single month on a 21-day billing cycle in order to avoid a late fee of $35-40. Mess up once, and that will trigger the interest and interest-on-interest charges. These guys are like the Vegas mob. They win a whole lot more than they lose. You're aiming at a moving target and you have to hit every time.

All this assumes everything stays the same. You'll have no medical emergencies and your car never breaks down and no one loses their job or that you won't get sued or the roof doesn't start leaking or the plumbing don't break and your income keeps up with the price of food and gas.

Fat chance.

Recent reports have indicated that Americans are, for the first time since the Great Depression, negative savers. They've spent more than they have earned. Even the NYT had the savings rate to less than $400 per year. In light of those who are stowing their money in 401K's and IRA's, that's pretty astonishing. But many of those who have been putting money in during the last 20 years are beginning to take money out. Big, huge mistake. It's an even more disastrous mistake than the home equity loans.

The reason why people are casting long eyes at their retirement savings is because they were used to using their house as a piggy bank and now that's empty. The 401K is the next asset to fall before the consumerist appetite. The thing is, all of these assets are being fed to the banks. The same banks asking for government help!

I think the ball is just beginning to roll downhill. I don't think the drop will be very steep, but I do think it will be quite long. I'm looking at energy and food as the biggest areas of concern as well as the cost of credit. The banks will still have to be fed. Energy demand is being driven more by Chinese and Indian demand than what we're doing in the U.S. or Europe. Both food and energy supplies are tied to the whims of the weather. One big hurricane or one big drought in the wrong place could create a crisis. The likelihood of perfect weather over the next 5 years is pretty slim.

Oh, and we have the war and the Middle East. Right now we're dependent upon the most repressive and hostile (and unstable) regimes in the world for our energy supply. How likely is it that it stays the same or improves?

Debt is the worst possible position in an era of uncertainty. Having savings is the best possible place, because that allows options. Be wise and be responsible; get out of debt as quickly as possible. Your children will thank you later.

D.

I'm curious as to how FTN's "stick of gum" plan for 0% APR worked out.

My Analysis of Autumn's Answers.

I'm putting in my commentary to Autumn's answers here, instead of there since this is sort of where I've always posted our little repartee. She was a good sport with my tons of questions this year! The original Autumn's answers can be found on FTN's Blog here. My questions are in italics, her responses are regular and my commentary is in red. We have lots of colors in case we want to go on with this...

I'm just sayin'.

Here we go:

1. What is the biggest change in your life since last year?

I really can't think of anything major. I have become more open in communicating with FTN and with others in friendships and relationships, I think. I can't think of any huge life changes though... Except maybe having a child in kindergarten. Oh, and I'm 30 pounds lighter than I was last year.

Being more open in communicating is good. I'm trying to get there, myself. 30 pounds!?! Wow. FTN paints you as being rather smallish which I suppose is just compared to him. But you were either pretty chunkified or you are now really skinny! The preoccupation with weight is a bit telling, especially for someone who is all into watching Tales of the Morbidly Obese on Discovery Health. Pair that with the picky eating and there could be issues there. Moving on...

2. What do you think your biggest challenge is going to be in the coming year? How do you plan on dealing with it?

I can't really think of anything right now. Perhaps having to find a job once The Boy gets into kindergarten in the fall.

I think that would be a good thing if even part-time getting out among other people and earning money on your own. I notice SAHM's sometimes can get lost if they stay at home too much. They can "lose themselves" which is difficult for me to wrap my head around.

3. FTN sometimes makes it seem like you don't want to deal with problems and you sometimes come off looking like an avoider who would rather wait for the problems to disappear on their own. Is that true? How much do you rely on FTN's willingness and ability to confront or solve problems within your relationship, if there are any?

I'd say that's pretty true. I just don't like analyzing stuff so much. It's hard to quantify... I'm not sure.

It's not just the analyzing (which we do on blogs ad nauseum) but it is the confronting and resolution part. It sounds like FTN has to carry a lot of the problem-solving load which is unfair to you both.

4. We kind of went through the "sexual anorexia" question in a previous year, and I apologize for that. Let's pretend that I have the ability to offer a cure for this in the form of a pill. If you take the red pill, your sexual desire will increase and you'll be as horny as FTN! If you take the blue pill, FTN's desire decreases to the point where it is exactly the same as yours. What do you choose? Red, blue or no pills? Or both pills, in which case your roles would completely reverse.

The red pill.

A bunch of us wish there was such a thing. Which is where the analysis comes in; we're looking for the red pill!

5. I asked FTN why he had such high sexual desire and he gave a list of 5 reasons. (No cheating, FTN!) . What do you think his 5 top reasons for liking sex so much were?

Oh gosh, let's see... It feels good. Maybe it makes him feel closer to me as his wife. He sleeps much better afterwards. He thinks I'm a hottie. And it makes him happy.

[I did mention to her afterwards that Digger's original question to me was about intimacy and physical touch, rather than just sexual desire.]

It doesn't matter so much here, FTN. That second answer has some ambivalence built in with the "maybe" and the last one is pretty vague. But I was interested in where her mind was on the subject relative to yours. While not as sophisticated, her answers do sort of match up from a certain point of view.

6. Apart from sex, what does intimacy look like to you? Would you describe your relationship with FTN as intimate (apart from sex)?

Intimacy is being open and honest with one another. Communicating. Sharing our feelings and hopes about life. Yes, I'd say our relationship is intimate.

I can't remember what I was after, here. I think I was looking for something along the lines of emotional commitment and closeness. Sharing feelings sort of hits that.

7. How do you know sex is over with? Who is more likely to be the one that wants to talk after sex?

I don't know how much I want to share about that. The talking question I don't understand. I don't know how to answer that. Are most people completely quiet during sex and then feel like they have to have a conversation afterwards?

Okay, I knew we were in deep water, here. But there is something to the talking part we can work with. If I were to guess, based on what we have so far, once there are orgasms, it's finished and FTN rolls off and goes to sleep. Or there might be some silent cuddling before the big snooze. It makes me wonder what substantive conversation is talking place during sex. Post-sex conversation is often a more relaxed one with the glow of good feelings and all. It's rare that someone wouldn't be keen to talk.

8. FTN is having a huge mental block when it comes to figuring out what his psychological issues and dysfunctions are (apart from his hypersexuality). You guys did do counseling, right? Could you help him (and help us help him) by giving a list of 5 (or more) issues that he could work on? Or was the counseling totally centered on your issues? Feel free to make the list as comprehensive as you need. Blogging is another form of therapy and we're all here to help FTN in whatever way we can.

I'm not really sure what he needs to work on. It seems like we have always been focused on the issues I have, and I've come to believe that I'm the one that have all the problems that need to be fixed.

Geez. This is the most telling response of the bunch and nearly deserves a post all its own. This would explain why the counseling effort fell so flat. It also reveals that the steady drum beat of Arwyn's problems has had the effect of her shouldering the entire load. Despite FTN's protestations, there is no "we" here. There is no "our" problem. For FTN, it probably makes the universe look like a very unfair place to live since he doesn't have any issues and yet still has to deal with problems he's not deserving of. For Autunm, the universe looks equally depressing because she's responsible for screwing it up. I'm over simplifying here to make the point in that laying it all on Autumn's shoulders is unfair to both. I'm not sure when guilt became an aphrodisiac. That's not to say Autmn doesn't have issues. She does. But so does FTN and he needs to work on them so he can see more clearlyto remove her speck. Plus taking care of his own issues takes heat off of Autumn. This is a massive unbalance. Fortunately marriage is geared towards bringing these things out and rebalancing if everyone is committed to working on it.

9. FTN wrote about a half marathon or something like it he was going to do with you. Could asking him to do this be likened to him asking you to do certain sexual things? You know, you might be able to motivate him to train harder if you wagered certain sexual things if he beat you in the race!

I hadn't really thought about it in that way. I already know that he'll beat me in the race. Basically I just really wanted to do the race, and he said, "What am I going to do while you're running it?" and I said, "You could run it with me." He said okay.

Okay, that isn't quite how it came out. He made it sound like he was going to end up bent over on the side of the road puking his guts out and be lucky to even finish let alone beat you!

10. As a busy mom, I realize your time is limited so I'm curious as to how you might prioritize your "spare" time. So I'd like you to look at each activity below and classify each as to how you feel about doing them on a scale of 1 to 5. 5 = Excited and looking forward to doing it, 3 = will do if time allows but not too excited about, 1 =not excited about it at all and possibly dreading it. Ready? You go, girl!

a. Watching Discovery Health (The morbidly obese marathon) 5

That's just wrong.

b. Running/working out 5

Maybe he could get you a DDR mat.

c. Reading a romance novel 1

I would've guessed that as reading isn't high priority thing

d. Singing at church 5

Would've gussed that, too

e. Sex planned 2 days in advance 4

Not bad except when considering the Discovery Health score

f. Reading a self-help book like Passionate Marriage 2

No Surprise there. I told FTN waiting for you to keep up would be a painful exercise in patience

g. Going to a movie (romantic comedy) 5

Movies over reading. Got it.

h. Going to a movie (Action/adventure) 3

True to the sex stereotype

i. Attending a party with friends (no kids) 5

True to form, especially considering 'j'

j. Eating out at a Chinese restaurant (no kids) 2 (Love the "no kids" part, but I don't like Chinese)

That was sort of the trick, knowing the food thing. Still, what's not to like about rice and MSGs?

k. Eating at McDonalds (with kids) 4

Serious health violation, there, but I pitted that against the enjoyment of the kids.

l. Visiting your parents/family 4

m. Visiting FTN's parents/family 4

I was obviously seeing if there were in-law issues there, but a 4 seems on the low side but still understandable since Discovery Health sets the standard.

n. Making out on the couch with FTN after the kids are asleep 3

Maybe a vibrating couch would increase the score as long as it didn't wake the kids.

o. Visiting a foreign country 4 (that takes money, though)

Assuming money isn't an issue. Something maybe for the future.

p. Blogging 1

No surprise there.

q. Computer games/internet surfing 3

That scored higher than I thought it would. Youtube?

r. Changing diapers 1

Just making sure you're paying attention!

s. Eating out at an Italian restaurant 4

Well this is a ray of hope. I could forfeit Chinese for Italian any day. As long as its something besides chicken.

t. Having drinks at a bar 3

I thought maybe loosening you up with alcohol might be a possibility.

u. Sleeping 4

Not many mothers pass this one up.

v. Running a 15 mile race 4

I should run this speed round by FTN to see how it compares.

w. Cooking 2

Hard to get jazzed up about doing it every day but it ranks higher than diaper changing.

x. Unplanned sex TONIGHT 3

It beats cooking and diaper changing.

y. Talking about sex 1

I knew this would be low, but was curious how low. Which makes dealing with it that much harder for FTN. Maybe if it wasn't such a heavy issue it would be better tolerated. Can't blame you under the circumstances.

z. Praying with FTN 4 (Kind of conflicting -- I'm just uncomfortable praying outloud sometimes. Plus, if we prayed about sex, then that would lead to a conversation about sex, and we'd have to talk about our problems.)

Nothing you said warrants giving this higher than a 2 or 3. Probably because you think it should be higher you inflated it. I'm not saying it's wrong but it might not be a true reflection of your real feelings. Maybe if FTN promised to take sex out of prayer for a period of time and let you lead in that area.

aa. Answering questions from strange anonymous bloggers. 1

No surprises there. You're a good sport!

I hope this wasn't too stressful of an experience as I try to make it thoughtful and at least somewhat fun. You got a lot of courage (and patience) dealing with FTN, much less all of his strange, anonymous blogging friends!

Thanks for having the easiest questions so far. I don't like essays -- I really like answering in numbers. Any future questions should be yes/no or numbers!

Okay, but doing it that way requires a buttload (more) of questions!

DH's Diet

Lots of folks are resolving to get in better shape in '08 and I'm all for that. Some people have really let themselves go! I'm maintaining a very stable 194 which is 9 pounds more than I would like but I'm not complaining. Much. I have not been as militant with the exercise and diet but I still watch what I'm doing and watch my weight.

Desperate Husband has been posting his diet for about a week, and I need to leave a comment but there's no way to be brief on the subject so I'll link to him and see how that goes.

The major parts of his diet seem to consist of raisin bran crunch, some sort of starch and a diet soda of some sort. In fact the diet Dr. Pepper seems to be the biggest component of his diet. And this is definitely not the way to go. I get that the holidays are a rough time so I'm surprisingly okay with the cookies, wings and other crap he's been eating. But he seriously misses reporting a few things as well as misses out on some relatively simple things he can do to work the diet better.

The raisin bran crunch, arguably the healthiest thing he eats all day perfectly illustrates the problem. First off, is he eating this with milk? If he is, he can save 100 calories just by making it skim milk. And no bullshit about not liking skim milk! I grew up drinking milk skimmed from the top of a bulk tank that was probably 15% fat! If I can switch to skim, anyone can!

Plus the "crunch" component of the raisin bran crunch usually means added sugar. This is negating the benefit from the fiber in the bran flakes. I'm not saying it's "bad" per se but even plain raisin bran has some added sugar. But I'll give DH some benefit for making an effort here.

One thing that is going to cripple his diet is being a road warrior salesperson. Eating out is lethal to any sort of structured eating plan. Being busy and in a hurry will sabotage the best of intentions. Stress and boredom will short circuit fitness attempts. So it's important to grab a few guiding principles and hang on to them like a dog on to a bone. They'll help during the tough times and serve as a way to get on track when you get off.

1. Fiber, fiber, fiber! You can not have too much fiber. Fiber is the backbone of eating healthy. Pretty much anything with fiber will have other healthy stuff. Fiber also counts against fat and carbs. If something has 7g carb and 3g of fiber, you get to only count 4g. It's that whole "net carb" thing which seems funny but it works. Fiber has a gazillion other benefits like regulating digestion, stabilizing insulin/blood sugar levels and encouraging morre absorption of other nutrients. If you look at DH's diet, it is hideously light on fiber.

2. Protein. One big problem with dieting is always feeling hungry. The fact is, is that protein sticks with you longer, fills you better and keeps a body from feeling starved for a much longer period of time. As the protein takes longer and more energy to breakdown, it keeps the blood sugar from spiking and consequently dropping through the floor like carbs do. I'm not saying carbs are all bad. Balance them with protein and fiber and you'll do alright.

3. Leave off unnecessary fat. Fat does help carry flavor and it's okay if it is balanced. But there's a lot of fat we ingest that is unnecessary and kind of dumb. For instance, DH likes sub sandwiches and they are about the best choice for eating out. Leaving off the mayo saves 100 calories. Leaving off the cheese saves another 100. The cream and sugar in coffee is about 100 cals. The butter on toast: 100 cals. See a trend? I got 400 calories here without sacrificing much. I believe in making the diet as painless as possible so I give away the little high-ticket stuff first. It's not even a real sacrifice. Put your sandwich on whole wheat bread to sneak in more fiber to knock out more carb calories.

3. Spice it up. Fat carries flavor and sugar just tastes good. Carbs are cheap and they taste good, too and go down oh-so-easy. Giving all that up will seem painful and an act of deprivation. That just adds tension and anxiety which you don't need. Spicy foods can fill that void and pay other dividends, too. Adding spicy peppers to that sub sandwich gives flavor and fiber at the same time. Spicy mustard fills the void left by the mayo. Plus you'll be more likely to drink more when eating hot food, which fills you up and helps burn more calories. Speaking of which...
4. Drink water. Slack off the diet drinks just a bit. Those things may actually make you feel hungrier faster, according to some studies. Tough when you're eating out all the time, but after having a 20 ounce drink fill the cup with ice water to wash down the spicy food.

5. Keep some healthy snacks around. DH, like me, is a compulsive snacker. I've found keeping apples and oranges around helps me make better choices. Just fight the temptation to compare the apples to the oranges. It also help curb the appetite when actually eating a meal and adds more fiber to the mix. Keeping nuts around also does the same thing although those add a considerable amount of fat. But its better than cookies and potato chips. If you know how to bake, try some of these lentil cookies.

By blogging his diet, DH is on the right track. It may help motivate him and give extra incentive. I know blogging and the encouragement I got helped me. He's also trying to manage his portions, which is important. His exercise program needs some consistency but he's working on it. Again, being on the road so much hurts his efforts so he's going to have to plan and focus a lot more than I did. Once a month at McDonald's isn't the end of the world but it's a slippery slope.

I do offset much of my junk through exercise. I've been making use of the elliptical trainer I got for Arwyn more than she has and she's okay with that because she dislikes me using the step mat I can do 15 minutes on that and crank up the resistance to equal 30 minutes on the mat. I'll have to do more in order to take off that extra 10 pounds but I can maintain at my present pace.

Anyone else trying to turn things around in 2008, weight-wise?

D.

The Invisible Audience

FTN asks a couple of questions in his latest blog post about what it is about women and their love-hate relationship with food and body image. As he and commentors reveal, most of this is grounded in experiences that begin with adolescence.

In order to answer this, we first might benefit by looking at Piaget's developmental levels. According to Piaget, as a person matures, they move from a concrete operational stage into one of formal operations. Suddenly, a child enters into young adulthood with a keen awareness of other people and the fact that they have views and perceptions different than their own. From Piaget, we can then talk about Elkind and his work with adolescent development.

Elkind extended Piaget's work by looking at the emerging adult mind. In the process he developed and extended a couple of things which we sort of take for granted. One of them is the idea of adolescent egocentrism (The personal fable isn't necessarily germain to this discuss but feel free to apply it as needed!). This egocentrism is tied intimately to the idea of the invisible audience. Adolescence is often characterized by melodrama which depends upon the belief that they are the primary actors and that there is this audience which critically judges their performance. It's funny watching teens act this out, as they are so preoccupied with this awareness of the audience that in fact there really is no audience at all. They are all absorbed into their own little world too much to notice one another. So they often do things which they think will please, entertain and sometimes provoke the invisible audience. The entire universe revolves around them and everyone in it is watching and judging them.

So it's not hard to see how certain things get blown out of proportion, especially when the invisible unreal audience sometimes becomes confused with the real life audience. If someone says something about their appearance, it gets internalized and generalized. Instead of just one person saying "You're getting a little heavy there Miss Thunder Thighs" suddenly the entire (invisible) audience is jeering "You're a fat ass!"

The universe is a big place and populated by at least one planet loaded with billions of people. If the entire universe is criticizing your appearance, it's not hard to see why you might get moody and depressed. That whole adolescent sturm and drang is derived from this neurotic doubling in of criticism upon oneself. Just as an adolescent learns to think critically, they suddenly realize everyone thinks this way. So the more judgmental they become, the more they internalize the judgments of others.

The problem is one of development, namely that the adolescent realizes the critical thinking of others without any appreciation of how sensitive and insecure everyone else is. That's not to say they are totally without compassion (although it often seems like it) it's that they fail to internalize and generalize that aspect sufficiently to deflect the criticisms of the invisible audience. The invisible audience is a construct without compassion. It is judgmental beyond the pale. It's like a universe made up of Simon Cowells. We like Simon (sort of) because he more closely resembles the invisible audience. Because he is harsh, we trust him that when he finally says we're good, he has some credibility.

When girls internalize the criticism, it often hangs with them into adulthood. So even though they might have moved on in most areas developmentally, in this one area the development is arrested. Thankfully, most move on by the time they themselves become parents. But sometimes they don't, and that is when we encounter serious problems. This is when mother-daughter relationships become screwy as the adult has this unresolved hang-up and then relives it when their own daughter starts going through it.

Sturm and drang all over the place all over again.

Most of us do have vestiges of the invisible audience that always remain with us. It would be interesting to look at how this intersects with the whole blogging phenomenon. One could argue that the act of blogging is an attempt to reach out to the invisible audience, and interact and hopefully discover that the universe isn't as critical as we once thought it was. Most of us are a bit surprised when we post something that our own internal audience berates us for and the real invisible audience turns out to be more sympathetic and easier to get along with. This is one thing that makes it so therapeutic, in that we're largely more supportive than the internalized critics. We discover that maybe the universe isn't quite as harsh as we thought it was.

A second question FTN had was why guys seem to think they still are all that when in reality they may not be. To understand this, we might look at the flipside of the more typical neurotic tendencies of women. Namely they we, as men, tend to more psychotic. While women tend to over generalize and over indulge the voices of the inner, invisible audience, men tend to simply shut them up and shut them out. This is a defense mechanism men employ largely because our egos are in fact more fragile. By gagging the inner audience we can be and do whatever we want without having to bother with that inner Simon. What the hell does he know, anyway?

The problem with this is we also tend to break away from the real audience as well. That break from reality that helps us preserve our egos makes us capable of doing and saying stupid stuff that comes off as incredibly insensitive. So now we have this screwy father-daughter relationship where the guy says something completely insensitive and unthoughtful, having no clue that she is deeply internalizing his words. He just assumes she's going to tell the inner audience to shut up, like he does. He may not even remember saying what he did, as he doesn't particularly think she'll listen any too closely to him, anyway. But we see by FTN's story about Autumn and the comments that this simply isn't the case. Men blow other people's comments off all the time. That's why we can totally insult each other and still share a beer later on. We're just not as in touch with certain emotional realities. We mistakenly assume that everyone else is as emotionally deficient and disconnected as we are. And when dealing with men, it is sometimes a safe assumption. Sometimes it's not, as when last year I made a pretty brash comment on or about Christian Husband's blog and he internalized it and reacted strongly at my lack of sensitivity.

Me, insensitive?

Not that he's any slouch in that department. He's just as judgmental and straight talking as any other guy, which occasionally gets him in hot water like the rest of us.

The best advice for both the neurotic and psychotic among us is to go easy on each other. Acceptance and trust seem to go a long way towards healing past injuries and preventing new wounds. In being conscious of the imaginary audience, those of us who do not necessarily cater to the crowd can perhaps buffer some of the effects of those who do. We can be less judgmental and critical and perhaps even employ a certain amount of humor to the situation. One of the difficulties encountered by FTN is that it often seems his affirmations seem to matter less to Autumn than the criticism from the imaginary audience. After all, he's just one guy compared to the rest of the universe that she has been listening to far longer than he's been around in her life. That's some tough credibility to counter. But his patience and good example will go a long way over time. Hopefully.

Let's not confuse the invisible audience with the inner adult, super ego or conscience. Those mechanisms kick in based on behaviors and thoughts. The audience may also weigh in during those times like when you eat that second piece of cake, but there are instances when a conscience might be silent while the audience gets rather Simon-like. For instance you are going to sing in the church choir. Your conscience might be totally clear with that as you are serving God. But that blasted audience will pipe in and tell you how fat you look in the robe or how awful you sound.

See the problem?

Listening to conscience is a good thing while listening to the invisible audience is mostly bad. If you're always worried about what other people will think or say, you're catering to the audience. If you evaluate your actions in light of your own values and your own integrity, you are following your conscience.

Again, this is what makes the blogging thing so therapeutic. We can deal with an actual audience and get authentic reactions. You can post a HNT pic and ask "Do I look fat?" Chances are you already know the answer, but you might get some other responses like, "Yeah you're kinda heavy, but I'd still fuck you."

A lot of our fears and thoughts are just totally irrational. Confronting the imaginary audience or employing a real one might help diminish some of its destructive power.

D.

The Secret

There's a book out there that seems to be taking the country by storm. A certain Australian author was vaulted to best-seller status when Oprah started plugging the book The Secret which claims to offer the secret to everything a person wants. It's basically a "name it and claim it" new age pantheistic collection of thoughts.
Gina brought the audio version and wanted me to copy it for Arwyn. She apparently wanted me to do it right away, while she and Arwyn had a "girl’s day out." I was busy having fun with the boys, making ice cream, going to the store to buy stuff to make it, and then getting them involved in my Stepmania game by hooking up the second dance mat.

When I first saw the title, I thought this was a work of romantic fiction or something. Like The Notebook or something. Then I read the back and red flags started going up. I began listening to the first of the 4 CD's and more mental flags were waving. I logged onto the internet and read various reviews while listening and realized this thing, spiritually speaking, was a load of crap. Talk about pyromarketing! Gina bought into it lock, stock and barrel.

She and Arwyn came home while I was investigating this, and I'm afraid I flew into Gina a bit harshly. She got defensive and then I got defensive and it was a bit intense. More intense than I meant.

Admittedly, I did not listen to the whole thing. I have not seen the Oprah special. Good grief, that woman has influence! I simply read some of the review on her website.

The Devil's gambit is to lie, deceive and entice, which this whole work is based around. There's this idea of attracting only good things through positive thought. Attracting wealth, happiness, curing diseases and having wonderful relationships. Who wouldn't want that? So there's the enticement.

So where's the lie? Well, the author claims that the secret has been known and studied throughout history by the greatest philosophers and thinkers who ever lived. Really and truly buying into this idea of a secret handed down through the ages requires that you buy into the idea that it actually works as it worked for all those folks she lists as masters of the secret. Certainly Socrates, Plato, Einstein and others were extraordinary thinkers. But they all are still dead. The secret did not spare them from that. None of them were extravagantly wealthy. I'm not sure about the Greek philosophers, but I know Einstein struggled with his interpersonal relationships. Abraham Lincoln supposedly knew the secret. Ever read this guy's autobiography? He suffered from depression, he was not wealthy, he struggled with his marriage and he was shot in the back of the head!

HELLO??!!!???

IS ANYONE THERE?

I'm sure proponents of the Secret philosophy have an explanation for all of this. Perhaps Lincoln did not apply the Secret correctly. Perhaps he abandoned it after being elected president. Whatever.

The author of this book is being made extraordinarily rich; thanks to people buying the oldest lie in the known universe. It is repackaged and slickly marketed. I get my blood up with the realization that the masses are so gullible as to fall for this bit over and over and over again.

This is probably why I flew into Gina so harshly. I like her and hate to think of her as being so gullible. But as Arwyn said later, she has had some rough times. She's still locked into this butt-ugly divorce with Donald, and is totally drained of all financial resources. She's had the rug pulled out from under her, and is searching for some sort of Answer. I just wish Oprah wasn't the first stop for so many searching for the Answer.

P.T. Barnum was the one who knew the real secret. There's a sucker born every minute.

I have no idea how to talk to someone who has fallen for the lie. No one wants to be told they are gullible. Challenging them simply makes them dig their heals in deeper. Perhaps some REBT-style inquiry might cut through some of the euphoric fog. But that's part of the problem: when the fog is intoxicating it's difficult to get anywhere. Somehow reality has to bring a person back to earth.

D.

Gardening in Georgia

Xi Summit was wondering about the status of gardens in Georgia and I thought I'd give an update.

In a word: lousy.

Down here, a body can garden almost year 'round which is nice. But each and every gardener is at the mercy of the weather. And weather for Georgia gardeners and farmers has been butt-ugly this year, so far.

We were off to a good start back in late March and things looked very promising. I had a bunch of things in the ground that were growing and thriving, until the big Easter freeze. That freeze disrupted everything that wasn't destroyed. My peaches: gone. Blueberries: gone. Apples: gone. Squash: gone Tomatoes: long gone. Corn: mostly gone. Beans: not gone, but severely damaged and needing time to recover.

The asparagus and blackberries seemed to be unaffected. Along with the weeds and fire ants.

So I replanted tomatoes, corn and some beans, as well as sowed more lettuce and radishes, deciding to hedge against more cold weather by planting stuff that likes cool weather. The idea was to have some things to take up to Iowa in mid-June which is why I pushed the corn.

So I replanted after Easter and started over. Now the danger of frost is well past and we have some warm weather, which corn likes. However, we are in the middle of the worst drought since 1915. I'm having to water almost every other day. The good news is that I'm growing in raised beds, which means better use of the water. But it,s still quite a lot over 5 different plots.

So things have been tough. I'm watching a storm system blow over right now that is delivering lightning but no rain. THAT is frustrating! We're still better off than our South Georgia neighbors who have spent a month fighting wildfires. We are not far from that point.

So I'm thinking about water and watering. How do I save time and money with watering? I'm on city water, so I'm paying and will likely pay more as rates increase.

First off, I don't water grass. I think it is a terrible waste with the exception of new seeding. And it so happens I'm on the verge of doing some of that.

My lawn was originally planted with tall fescue, which is the grass of choice for this part of Georgia. Developers like it because it is cheap, fairly easy to start, and stays green longer than anything else. But it hogs more fertilizer, more water and more maintenance than any other grass. It needs to be mowed every week. It needs at least an inch of water every week, sometimes more. It needs a ton of fertilizer. It grows in thick clumpy bunches and really doesn't spread. A bare patch will stay bare, or fill in with weeds.

Basically, if it isn't nursed along, fescue will go bad and get worse. The upside is that it provides a ton of mulch from all the clippings.

I want to plant centipede grass, sometimes called "Lazy Man's Grass." I actually have some expanding patches in the back yard that I really like. This grasses actually likes dry weather, it hates fertilizer and grows slowly so it doesn't need a lot of mowing. The downside is that turns brown earlier in the fall/winter and greens up later in the spring.

Last year got dry during June and the centipede began taking over. I encouraged it as best I could by not mowing and not fertilizing. I actually applied very modest amounts of water to the outer edges of the patch. Enough to water the shallow centipede stolons but not enough to help the fescue. But this is in the back yard.

The front yard has an almost nice strip of fescue right next to the house. The rest of the yard looks like crap, and is mostly bare red clay. It needs a make over in a terrible way. Hence my wanting to try seeding it. Hence a preoccupation with keeping water going to it. Centipede is best sown in warmer weather; May-June, which is right now.

So I'm experimenting with different watering and mulching schemes. I thought that maybe using newspaper with some additional material on top (like grass clippings) might be just the thing. to keep the seeds moist. The problem is with delivering water.on a regular or continuous basis. I'm experimenting with a combination of siphoning and capillary techniques, but so far nothing holds much promise. If I water in the morning, after a mere 4 hours of hot Georgia sun, things will be dry again. If I get a timer to water every few hours, most of it is lost to evaporation plus I run the risk of getting pinched by the locals for breaking our watering restrictions (midnight-8 am every other day). So much if this has to be on the down low, anyway.

It's a perennial problem especially for southern gardeners. I already use some fairly radical mulching around trees, shrubs and even tomatoes by using cardboard of both light and heavy varieties. It keeps the weeds down, too!

D.

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