Reply to Autumn's Answers

I’m going to re-post my questions and Autumn’s answers over here, and then go ahead and follow up in italics. Then if she wants to comment over here, she can, without FTN’s meddling!;-)

Okay, so how about Autumn for a name. It's my favorite season and it suits my personality. If that works for everyone, then I'll go by that from now on.

Suits me fine! Seems like we have a sort of seasonal theme going with blogger’s wives, since Confused’s wife has settled on the name of Summer. Actually, Autumn is a better name than FTN now that I think about it. Perhaps we should start referring to him as “Autumn’s Husband.”

Question 1.) I also really enjoyed listening to your singing when FTN posted the link a while back. No, I really, really enjoyed it. You ever think about putting out something of your own out? Without the band, I mean. No offense to Boxers Over Trunks. I just think BOT is holding you back, talent-wise.

Answer: We have lots of recordings from things I've done at church and stuff, but I haven't thought of putting something out seriously. Singing is one of my favorite hobbies and I have lots of opportunities to share that in public. My degree is in music (violin) so hopefully when I am back in the workforce; it will be doing something in music.

Maybe you could do podcasts or something? I’m sure there must be some way to share your tunes with your admiring fans.

2.) FTN always writes with a lot of humor in his writing. Is he like that in real life, being Mr. Funny Man? If so, does it sometimes get annoying?

Answer: FTN is usually pretty funny in real life, but it is a dry, sarcastic kind of funny, not an annoying, corny kind of funny. I really enjoy his sense of humor and I especially like seeing other people’s reactions to it. I think it draws people to him.

So I’m guessing this is what drew you to him. Or was it his sexy, studly body? (THERE, FTN, now you can stop the whining!LOL!)

3.) I'm not remembering exactly how long you've been married, but it's been awhile. How has your husband changed over those years?

Answer: Of course the biggest changes I have seen in my husband over the years have been since we’ve had kids. It is definitely interesting seeing him in a disciplinarian role. It has made him somewhat more serious than when we first were married. He has also become a lot more musical since we have been married. He has taught himself guitar over the past few years.

So he’s had to go from being the Funny Man, to being The Dad. Hmm. I wonder how hard it is for him to play the heavy when his kids are getting out of hand. Learning guitar is always cool. I’m wondering how much influence you had on that, or how much of an inspiration you were.

4.) Mrs. FTN, you show a lot of courage coming out and writing about many issues that you are clearly uncomfortable with. Is that kind of your way of maybe stretching yourself a bit and learning more about yourself? Have you ever thought about having your own blog?

Answer: I have been trying to communicate more with my husband about how I feel about things in the bedroom. Being part of these discussions is a way for me to show him that I am trying to change things and I am interested in improving this part of our marriage. Being open about these issues is something I feel I am doing mostly for him right now, but it is interesting to hear other people’s takes on it. I never thought people would find our sex life this interesting. At this point, I am not really interested in starting my own blog.

I’m thinking that maybe your sensuality is something you just haven’t really discovered. At least in the physical sense. I’m sure there must be some passion where your music is concerned. Right now I’m having a vision of Susan Sarandon in “Witches of Eastwick” going gonzo with her cello, as she taps into that passionate energy. I don't suppose you've experienced such an episode?

5.) I took some of what you said to heart when you wrote about the scavenger hunt and I made one for my wife for Christmas that clearly had nothing to do with sex and it went over well. We actually had sex!LOL! Is the expectation of sex that much of a mood killer for you, or can having some advance notice help you get into the mood more?

Answer: We are discovering lately that it really helps me if we plan sex at least a day in advance. There have been times when we have even planned out when and how we are going to have sex for the entire next week. I know its takes away any spontaneity, but it definitely helps me be more open to things when I feel like I have some control and I know what to expect without having to try to read his mind.

Okay…so sexual surprises are not terribly welcome. So, you plan out when…and HOW?!? So your saying there’s some sort of negotiation well in advance with the itinerary laid out and everything pretty closely choreographed in advance? That’s gotta be tough on someone who has spontaneous passions and whims of his own. It might go along with that whimsical theme you like.

6.) FTN has put in some effort with ditching the porn and the masturbation. As a man, I can tell you that these are both very difficult things to do. I'm guessing you were never okay with the porn. But how about the masturbation? Wouldn't it be easier on you if he just got himself off and gave you more peace? (okay, I'm playing devil's advocate there.) Have you ever been tempted to just tell him to leave you alone and jack off?

Answer: I have been tempted to say that, but I know that is not really what I want. I am trying to be more open to allowing him to come to me when he feels the “need” getting too strong.

That was tough to read. I’d encourage you both to read “Every Man’s Battle” by Fred Stoeker. It might help you understand where he’s coming from and where you fit into it.

7.) One reason I like FTN's blog is because he will go ahead and put his Christian belief out there, which inspires other of us Christians to do likewise. At the same time, he's still pretty real and human. Assuming you both share a similar faith, when you pray for FTN, what sort of things do you pray for? What sort of things would you want FTN to pray for, for you?

Answer: I usually pray for joy in his life…with his job, in his ministry at church, and of course with our marriage. I also pray for his self-image and that he would believe me when I say I am attracted to him. I pray that I would be a better wife and that I would be better at expressing my love for him in all ways, not just sex. I would hope that he prays for our marriage which I’m sure he does. Also, I would hope that he prays for me as I take care of our children everyday (patience, making right decisions, etc…). There are a lot of struggles that come with being a stay at home mom of preschoolers.

Here’s one I missed that deserves some airplay: Do you two pray together regularly? Lots of Christian counselors and pastors really advocate for this. We tried it, but it didn’t pan out so good.

8.) His relationship with you is THE major focus of his blog, although he often ventures into other topics. It's also the theme that keeps me coming back. Do you read him often? How do you feel about his having a blog like this on the internet?

Answer: I do read his blog quite a bit. I haven’t read every entry, but he will usually tell me when he thinks there is something I should read. I don’t have a problem with him having the blog. I am glad that he told me about it at soon as he started it and that he has included me in it. I would probably have a problem with it if he were doing this and I knew nothing about it.

I think you answering these questions have been a good source of info for him. I think you reading his blog is a good look into his head, as well as how others see him. Frankly, I don’t see how you resist reading everything he writes and the comments.

9) FTN and I have both written about sexual anorexia, having experienced what it is we've experienced. Is the sexual anorexia explanation one you are buying into? Is there a better or more accurate description that might help us understand what is going on in your mind when it comes to sex?

Answer: From what my husband has told me about sexual anorexia, I do fit the profile. I don’t really know much about it, but do remember relating to most of the characteristics when my husband was reading them off. To me, my feelings about sex seem very simple. I don’t feel any desire for it, but sometimes once sex in underway, I do enjoy it. When I am being touched or kissed, I just don’t really feel anything. It feels like when I am being pulled on by the kids all day. It can make me feel a bit claustrophobic.

The key feature of sexual anorexia seems to be control, which you alluded to above when it comes to getting advance notice. That bit about not feeling anything when being touched or kissed…that kinda hurts. I mean I live for touches and kisses, even though my job involves having kids on me and drooling on me during the day. With my wife it is way different.

10.) I get the impression that you and your husband have a fairly good relationship and even share some fun good times together when you are out in the world. Would you describe yourself as being laid back when among friends that you know socially? Or are you more introverted?

Answer: I tend to be more introverted when I am with acquaintances or people I don’t know, but with friends, I am laid back and talk a lot. Like my husband said, I do enjoy being the center of attention from time to time.

I can see that. I’m guessing that you’re okay performing musically in front of a fairly large audience?

11.) Would you say you have issues with your body and being naked? What would you say is your best physical feature?

Answer: I do have issues with my body, but I don’t have a problem being naked with my husband. I feel okay about the way I look with him because he is pretty complimentary towards me. I’ll do anything I can to avoid wearing even a one piece bathing suit in front of friends though. I would say my best physical feature is either my hair or eyes.

I wonder if it that is because of all the media stereotypes. I read of one study that showed that girls who read fashion magazines were 15 times more likely to acquire an eating disorder.

12.) What do you think your husband sees your best physical feature as?

Answer: I actually asked my husband this one because I would have probably said he liked my breasts best since that seems to be what he compliments the most, but he actually surprised me and said my legs.

Ah! There! See? You were pleasantly surprised. I hope it was pleasant, anyway.
See, this is a dialogue of sorts, and I’m okay with facilitating it. I’m rooting for both you and your husband, Autumn. I identify VERY strongly with him and feel his pain in a lot of ways. There are tons of other guys going through this same exact thing. We sort of bond in a way, because of what we wish we didn’t have in common. A lot of women are feeling it, too. Which is why we are glued to the monitor in regards to this aspect of your life, for which you have little or no interest. We are SO lost when you say you have no fantasies! That deserves some attention, that one. Ever fantasize about being famous, or fantasize about food, or about being recognized for some achievement? “And the Grammy for best female vocalist goes to …Autumn!”

Thanks for playing! You’re a good sport!

D.