Farting

Odd topic for a post and so once again I'm breaking new ground. Or breaking wind, as some might put it. Another attempt at helping this blog to cut the cheese...er...mustard.

As kids, specifically boys, we thought farting was hilarious. It was something that we often made into a sport to see who could fart the loudest, the longest and whose was stinkiest. As we grew older, the sport of farting didn't diminish as much as grew in sophistication. Now we would see who could shoot the longest flame out of our ass. And who can forget that scene in Blazing Saddles? Or how about Austin Powers in the hot tub? Farting remains one of the easiest and cheapest ways to get a laugh. Howard Stern made ample use of it, even inventing his own "Fartman" character.

Women, OTOH, make far less use of this vehicle for intimacy and humor. Some fail to see the humor in it altogether. But we all do it. Even women. My granddad once told a joke, "You know how you can tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? Because when she farts, her ankles swell up!"

This same granddad would later discover the downside of farting, namely when he passed a bit more than just gas. "My valves are shot!"

And as people age, their windage gets raunchier. Entire ballrooms can be cleared. Please. No one light a match!

So when is it that you finally let one go in front of a mate or perspective mate? Because it’s going to happen, sooner or later. I remember being in bed with a love of my life, lying naked together and cutting loose loud enough for her to hear it. I was mortified until she said "EXCUSE YOU!" and laughed. She laughed! She let me know I was okay. Which endeared her to me more than ever. But maybe she didn't really think it was okay since she dumped me 3 weeks later.

I once carpooled with an attractive redhead. She drove, we talked and smoked and joked. I was engaged at the time, so there weren't romantic sparks but there was still that When Harry Met Sally thing going on, where I might have fancied her under different circumstances. One cold morning, we were talking and I let loose one of those silent ones. You know. Ones that are silent to the ears, but can bring tears to another's eyes. My co-worker silently endured before opening the window without saying a word about it. But we both knew. Things were never quite the same.

And then there's my wife. Past experiences had led me to be a bit guarded about this. I would leave the room if I could and wait until we stopped the car and got out, nearly exploding in the process. And the she cut loose. I don't know if we were even married a year. She might giggle, and then say "Excuse me" before moving on. Over the years, she has been a frequent farter. While somewhat annoying, I'm okay with it. It's her way of being intimate with me and showing she is comfortable enough around me. She's not being crude or disgusting; she's just letting her body do its thing.

Cruciferous vegetables, like cabbage, garlic and onions can lead to increased gas production as can swallowing air, like drinking through a straw. And of course, there are the beans, notorious for starting fart trouble.

D.