Thoughts on Submission

Christian Husband's situation is simply too juicy and luscious for me to ignore. He is hitting on so many of my hot buttons like no other guy blogger has a right to do. He is currently struggling mightily trying to noodle out the concepts of dominance and submission. Being a Christian, he has some extra struggles that the more heathen brethren have to deal with. In Ephesians 5, Paul enjoins men to become heads of the household as Christ was head of the church.

In 1st Corinthians 7, however, he does allow for some mutual submission, specifically pointing out the fact that women have the right to get theirs, which was terribly revolutionary thinking in the 1st century Roman-Greco world.

Christian Husband actually has two problems he is trying to noodle through (he has more, but I'm only writing about 2 of them). First, there is the seeming Biblical mandate that men be the head of the house. This is what evangelical and fundamental Christians have been told and have believed forever, right? Just as Christ was head of the church, so a man should be the head over his wife, right? But Christ (while on earth) had a Lordship that was assertive and yet was totally submissive at the same time. The man went to the cross as a lamb goes to slaughter! But He managed to redeem that totally, and us in the process.

And this is the second problem Christian Husband is trying to noodle out; just what does submissiveness look like, anyway? And how can a body go from being a submissive to being dominant? His attempts to be more dominant have not been successful at all (as of this writing on the 16th). His wife has chafed every single time (as of this writing) that he has tried to assert himself.

I may have some advice somewhere, but take it with a grain of salt. He's getting sex and I' m not. I just hate to see a brother blow a good thing.

First off, there is a question as to whether there is room for a female lead Christian household. If we look at the woman depicted in Proverbs 31, this is a woman who is very much in charge of her life. She makes things, sells things, buys property, starts and runs a myriad of businesses while her husband lounges by the city gate. She considered the property and started the vineyard...did she consult her husband? There's no mention of her consulting him, so maybe it is just assumed. But then again, why depict a woman with such assertive power if the goal is to cultivate submission?

I know the teachings and believed them for the longest time. I'm not so sure on this anymore. I think there is room for a female lead household without being contrary to Biblical teaching. Whoever is leading the household should be leading the household in a Godly direction. Just as we have women pastors and teachers as heads of churches and church organizations (Joyce Meyer, anyone?) I think a female led household might be okay. But the key will be in the individuals adjusting to their roles. It won't work if the husband is always challenging her anymore than a male led household works if his wife is always challenging and disrespecting him. THAT is the point Paul was making, which is consistent with what all the other Apostles were writing. Love must lead everything else.

Christian Husband's wife had found some real satisfaction and enjoyment in a role that is clearly dominant. He services her orally for quite a long time, and then is rewarded with intercourse. In her mind that's all he wanted, anyway, was to get off. But he clearly has enjoyed getting her off. He enjoys seeing her pleasure. What I'm seeing is a struggle between where he is currently and where he THINKS he SHOULD be. According to the Christian teaching we've been given, he should be the head. He should be dominant. He should be in charge, just like Christ is in charge of the church, right?

It seems as though his dissatisfaction stems more from what he thinks he ought to be doing rather than what is actually going on. The reality is not matching up, and it seems as though things are taking a decidedly wrong turn. But the reality is that he and his wife are getting along better, having more sex, having more intimacy when SHE is in charge.

Case in point; he shared one particularly steamy encounter where he had been working her over for awhile orally, and was ready to get on for a good ride. She was not quite ready yet, so she first rode his face for awhile. It was a totally HOTT encounter, at least for me who has some real hot fantasies involving just this sort of thing. This sort of thing being known as "queening"(<--warning, that link is NOT worksafe!) because it is the woman totally asserting her dominance.

My advice is tempered by not knowing Christian Husband's real and total level of satisfaction with this, beyond the religious conflicts. But I would try to deal in terms of the reality of it. This isn't unlike what Tajalude had to learn, only the opposite. Her husband, who might deny being submissive, was really and truly better and happier when Tajalude was sexually dominant. And she went on to discover a more dominant self, although I'm not sure she ever found a true contentment with it for the same reason Christian Husband struggles: mainly it really goes against the cultural grain.

So my advice is that a person will be happier if they recognize and go with who they are moreso than what society says they should be. No doubt Christian Husband's wife is familiar with the teaching of "Husband as head" and is just as ambivalent in her feelings of a dominant role. Christian Husband states that he believes that deep down, she wants to submit. This might be true or it might not be. What is apparent is her actions and her total discomfort with giving up the control she has. A zebra may want to be a camel, but that desire is not going to change the stripes to humps. And that desire gets in the way of enjoying being a zebra.

Christian Husband denies being a submissive. However, my question is why does he struggle so hard being dominant? He had dominant enough role models, didn't he? Why all this internal struggle?

I think part of it is cultural. Men today have some terrible issues in this area, because women are not so economically dependent on them. Men are struggling to catch up and adjust to a movement that has empowered women to the detriment of men's dominance. However, there is an opportunity if a fellow can realize it. Mainly, he can try out a more submissive role to see how it fits. That's not to say he can't be assertive in other areas or even dominating. In the chastity belt group, you find some extremely alpha-type businessmen who you would never believe had pony boy fantasies. But they do. They are no less men for it, and most are infinitely happier for it.

Christian Husband may not be a good submissive or even a happy one. I do not know and I'd argue he doesn't either because he hasn't given it a fair chance. Is it worth thinking about? I'd definitely try it if I were him. Otherwise, he is liable to blow a totally good thing he has going.

Okay, so this DOES belong in Unsolicited Advice, which is where it will go. My own noodling, apart from Husband's, belongs elsewhere.

D.