Unsolicited Advice

Battle Won

2008-12-26T10:12:00.003-05:00

I might as well update this little blog, since it has been awhile. But the most recent posts are certainly relevant to the times we live in, aren't they? Indeed, the latest financial troubles highlight the problems that come with being a country that is addicted to debt. Many companies can not even make their payrolls without credit! That is really sad and scary.

As for me and my family, we are officially out of debt except for the house. YAAAAY! FREEEEeeedooOOOMMM!

The last and final big debt fell last month, and boy did it feel good! It has been a journey of several years (much of it documented here) but it was well worth it. We still have a modest house payment, but I'm thinking about refinancing to a 15 year fixed. Or perhaps a 10 or 12 year? The house is the final debt that needs to fall, but I'm not stressing too much on that. There's always some sort of housing expense, even if it is just upkeep and taxes. But having it paid off would really help out my family if anything ever happened to me. As it is, we are just in a better position all around with more options when stuff happens. I'm presently pouring more into savings and will need to do a better job of fully funding retirement.

I give a lot of credit for this progress to Dave Ramsey's plan and the baby steps. For me, it was a plan I could follow and stick with. Sending my wife to one of his live events was also a good move and helped get her on board. I was saying the same things as Dave, but I think we can agree that we don't always follow the advice of our spouse as well as that of someone else sometimes. We got the $1,000 savings set up pretty quickly but I don't remember using that more than once or twice. I did draw off it in order to kill off this latest debt as I had over $3,000 in the savings and just needed a slight shove to finish it off. At the same time, I doubled the amount going into that savings since we are pretty much without payments of any sort now. Increasing the savings now will help us get through step 3 that much faster, which is building up 3-6 months of expenses into savings. That's still going to take some time, because I figure each month I'm saving about 1 weeks worth of expenses. So this is a year-long project at my present rate, assuming we don't have to get anything out of there for any reason.

And our household income is less than $60,000, just to put this into perspective. It is possible to live within ones means with some degree of determination, effort and discipline. We are not driving the latest, newest cars and I am against buying a new one anymore. I just refuse to have a car payment. We do have medical expenses pretty much all the time, but not having payments allows us to pay those off quicker. The house we live in might be described by some as a "starter house" but it is a basic 3 BR 2 BA that we got at a good price that meets our needs. It is needing some work, though. We do go out to eat sometimes but not all the time. As far as groceries, I am the home economist in the family. My hat is off to all other home economist's of either gender, because it is a difficult and absolutely thankless job. I'm the one who has to say "NO" to more expensive foods, more expensive clothes and getting a dog. And saying that little word can save gobs of money and trouble down the road. But boy, do we pay for it in the short term! Especially around the holidays. This year, I think we might have gone a bit far with the boys as they seem to have a ton of stuff! But NO CREDIT CARDS!

I am willing to live like no one else now, so that I can live like no one else in the future. It has been a long, tough fight. Perhaps someone else who reads my story will be inspired to fight and win their own war against debt. I can not remember who, but it was someone in the blogging world who did point me to Dave Ramsey by leaving a comment on one of these pages. So the least I can do is return the favor!

How are y'all doing?

Dealing in Debt

2008-07-23T19:04:00.004-04:00

This poor blog! But I said I'd put something here and it didn't take long to decide what it would be.

The New York Times is doing a nifty series on The Debt Trap. Did I or did I not see this coming over a year ago? In going through my own battles and watching the crazy behaviors of others around the country, I knew we were headed for some serious, serious trouble. The question is: was I able to see it in time?

My family has made tremendous gains in the area of paying down debt. No car payments. No student loans. No credit card payments. One unsecured loan that will fall within the next 8 months. All while paying some major medical bills on an income of less than $50,000 per year. But we still have a morrtgage owing more than $80,000. We will have those payments for a long time.

Desperate Husband is one that I've watched for quite some time and he hasn't written much about his financial situation in quite awhile, other than his his struggle to find a new job. He rolled a lot of his debt into an equity loan into his house just like the lady in the NYT article. At the time, I was probably the only one who commented on him that told him that was a bad move. At the time he was already about upside down in his mortgage, and tapping a home equity line put him in even deeper. Now it's likely that he is so upside down that I'll have my loan paid off before he breaks even between equity and debt! And that's even though he out-earns me by around 2:1.

It bugs me that the government is being called upon to bail out the lenders and banks who helped cause this crapfest. The bailout will not help those folks who are being foreclosed on and evicted. It will help shareholders. Since I probably have bank stock in my Vanguard portfolio, I'll partially benefit I suppose. But that will be offset by the increased taxes that I (or my children) will be slapped with to pay for it. The lenders that were stupid enough to lend money out to people they knew would not be able to pay it back should be allowed to fail, go bankrupt and die.

If lenders are a business, they should be allowed to fail like any other business. That's the price of stupidity. If they are in this for charity (like they try to convince congress of) then they shouldn't be whining for a handout, either. They shouldn't foreclose on poor people, but let them stay in their houses for free. How is that any different from the handout banks are asking from the government? If we're handing stuff out, I'd rather see the people who are already in houses stay there and let the businesses pay for their own stupidity. Just hand the deed over. Then the government can still collect the property taxes or rezone the land and kick the poor off to built a shopping mall to generate even more revenue.

Yeah, just let the government take the houses so that neither the poor nor the stupid greedy lending companies can have it! Then sell it on eBay and use sales revenue to lower taxes for everybody who pays taxes.

The Debt/Bankruptcy law of 2005 needs to be repealed. It has done nothing but encourage credit card companies to behave more like thugs. They'll lure you in with a teaser rate and hammer you with the fees.

I'll give you one example of how you think you're being smart, but you are swimming with the sharks.

Say you have $10,000 in credit card debt and get an offer in the mail for a 0% rate for all credit transfers. This sounds too good to be true, but you're tired of paying big bucks on interest so you take the offer. So now you have 0% on that transfer. You might escape the trap, only if you cut that card (and the other one) up immediately and pay it off as soon as you can. But most people don't do that. As it is, you'll spend the next 5 years (or more) paying on that $10,000. Suppose you decide to buy a $1 pack of gum soon after opening up your new line of 0% credit on that new card. Guess what? You'll start paying interest on that pack of gum, and pay the interest on the interest for the next 5 years! That's because payments are applied to the transfer balance first. You don't pay a dime towards the balance you charged (or the fee and interest charges) until that big balance is paid!

Even if you don't charge, you have to pay on time every single month on a 21-day billing cycle in order to avoid a late fee of $35-40. Mess up once, and that will trigger the interest and interest-on-interest charges. These guys are like the Vegas mob. They win a whole lot more than they lose. You're aiming at a moving target and you have to hit every time.

All this assumes everything stays the same. You'll have no medical emergencies and your car never breaks down and no one loses their job or that you won't get sued or the roof doesn't start leaking or the plumbing don't break and your income keeps up with the price of food and gas.

Fat chance.

Recent reports have indicated that Americans are, for the first time since the Great Depression, negative savers. They've spent more than they have earned. Even the NYT had the savings rate to less than $400 per year. In light of those who are stowing their money in 401K's and IRA's, that's pretty astonishing. But many of those who have been putting money in during the last 20 years are beginning to take money out. Big, huge mistake. It's an even more disastrous mistake than the home equity loans.

The reason why people are casting long eyes at their retirement savings is because they were used to using their house as a piggy bank and now that's empty. The 401K is the next asset to fall before the consumerist appetite. The thing is, all of these assets are being fed to the banks. The same banks asking for government help!

I think the ball is just beginning to roll downhill. I don't think the drop will be very steep, but I do think it will be quite long. I'm looking at energy and food as the biggest areas of concern as well as the cost of credit. The banks will still have to be fed. Energy demand is being driven more by Chinese and Indian demand than what we're doing in the U.S. or Europe. Both food and energy supplies are tied to the whims of the weather. One big hurricane or one big drought in the wrong place could create a crisis. The likelihood of perfect weather over the next 5 years is pretty slim.

Oh, and we have the war and the Middle East. Right now we're dependent upon the most repressive and hostile (and unstable) regimes in the world for our energy supply. How likely is it that it stays the same or improves?

Debt is the worst possible position in an era of uncertainty. Having savings is the best possible place, because that allows options. Be wise and be responsible; get out of debt as quickly as possible. Your children will thank you later.

I'm curious as to how FTN's "stick of gum" plan for 0% APR worked out.

My Analysis of Autumn's Answers.

2008-02-20T13:06:00.003-05:00

I'm putting in my commentary to Autumn's answers here, instead of there since this is sort of where I've always posted our little repartee. She was a good sport with my tons of questions this year! The original Autumn's answers can be found on FTN's Blog here. My questions are in italics, her responses are regular and my commentary is in red. We have lots of colors in case we want to go on with this...

I'm just sayin'.

Here we go:

1. What is the biggest change in your life since last year?

I really can't think of anything major. I have become more open in communicating with FTN and with others in friendships and relationships, I think. I can't think of any huge life changes though... Except maybe having a child in kindergarten. Oh, and I'm 30 pounds lighter than I was last year.

Being more open in communicating is good. I'm trying to get there, myself. 30 pounds!?! Wow. FTN paints you as being rather smallish which I suppose is just compared to him. But you were either pretty chunkified or you are now really skinny! The preoccupation with weight is a bit telling, especially for someone who is all into watching Tales of the Morbidly Obese on Discovery Health. Pair that with the picky eating and there could be issues there. Moving on...

2. What do you think your biggest challenge is going to be in the coming year? How do you plan on dealing with it?

I can't really think of anything right now. Perhaps having to find a job once The Boy gets into kindergarten in the fall.

I think that would be a good thing if even part-time getting out among other people and earning money on your own. I notice SAHM's sometimes can get lost if they stay at home too much. They can "lose themselves" which is difficult for me to wrap my head around.

3. FTN sometimes makes it seem like you don't want to deal with problems and you sometimes come off looking like an avoider who would rather wait for the problems to disappear on their own. Is that true? How much do you rely on FTN's willingness and ability to confront or solve problems within your relationship, if there are any?

I'd say that's pretty true. I just don't like analyzing stuff so much. It's hard to quantify... I'm not sure.

It's not just the analyzing (which we do on blogs ad nauseum) but it is the confronting and resolution part. It sounds like FTN has to carry a lot of the problem-solving load which is unfair to you both.

4. We kind of went through the "sexual anorexia" question in a previous year, and I apologize for that. Let's pretend that I have the ability to offer a cure for this in the form of a pill. If you take the red pill, your sexual desire will increase and you'll be as horny as FTN! If you take the blue pill, FTN's desire decreases to the point where it is exactly the same as yours. What do you choose? Red, blue or no pills? Or both pills, in which case your roles would completely reverse.

The red pill.

A bunch of us wish there was such a thing. Which is where the analysis comes in; we're looking for the red pill!

5. I asked FTN why he had such high sexual desire and he gave a list of 5 reasons. (No cheating, FTN!) . What do you think his 5 top reasons for liking sex so much were?

Oh gosh, let's see... It feels good. Maybe it makes him feel closer to me as his wife. He sleeps much better afterwards. He thinks I'm a hottie. And it makes him happy.

[I did mention to her afterwards that Digger's original question to me was about intimacy and physical touch, rather than just sexual desire.]

It doesn't matter so much here, FTN. That second answer has some ambivalence built in with the "maybe" and the last one is pretty vague. But I was interested in where her mind was on the subject relative to yours. While not as sophisticated, her answers do sort of match up from a certain point of view.

6. Apart from sex, what does intimacy look like to you? Would you describe your relationship with FTN as intimate (apart from sex)?

Intimacy is being open and honest with one another. Communicating. Sharing our feelings and hopes about life. Yes, I'd say our relationship is intimate.

I can't remember what I was after, here. I think I was looking for something along the lines of emotional commitment and closeness. Sharing feelings sort of hits that.

7. How do you know sex is over with? Who is more likely to be the one that wants to talk after sex?

I don't know how much I want to share about that. The talking question I don't understand. I don't know how to answer that. Are most people completely quiet during sex and then feel like they have to have a conversation afterwards?

Okay, I knew we were in deep water, here. But there is something to the talking part we can work with. If I were to guess, based on what we have so far, once there are orgasms, it's finished and FTN rolls off and goes to sleep. Or there might be some silent cuddling before the big snooze. It makes me wonder what substantive conversation is talking place during sex. Post-sex conversation is often a more relaxed one with the glow of good feelings and all. It's rare that someone wouldn't be keen to talk.

8. FTN is having a huge mental block when it comes to figuring out what his psychological issues and dysfunctions are (apart from his hypersexuality). You guys did do counseling, right? Could you help him (and help us help him) by giving a list of 5 (or more) issues that he could work on? Or was the counseling totally centered on your issues? Feel free to make the list as comprehensive as you need. Blogging is another form of therapy and we're all here to help FTN in whatever way we can.

I'm not really sure what he needs to work on. It seems like we have always been focused on the issues I have, and I've come to believe that I'm the one that have all the problems that need to be fixed.

Geez. This is the most telling response of the bunch and nearly deserves a post all its own. This would explain why the counseling effort fell so flat. It also reveals that the steady drum beat of Arwyn's problems has had the effect of her shouldering the entire load. Despite FTN's protestations, there is no "we" here. There is no "our" problem. For FTN, it probably makes the universe look like a very unfair place to live since he doesn't have any issues and yet still has to deal with problems he's not deserving of. For Autunm, the universe looks equally depressing because she's responsible for screwing it up. I'm over simplifying here to make the point in that laying it all on Autumn's shoulders is unfair to both. I'm not sure when guilt became an aphrodisiac. That's not to say Autmn doesn't have issues. She does. But so does FTN and he needs to work on them so he can see more clearlyto remove her speck. Plus taking care of his own issues takes heat off of Autumn. This is a massive unbalance. Fortunately marriage is geared towards bringing these things out and rebalancing if everyone is committed to working on it.

9. FTN wrote about a half marathon or something like it he was going to do with you. Could asking him to do this be likened to him asking you to do certain sexual things? You know, you might be able to motivate him to train harder if you wagered certain sexual things if he beat you in the race!

I hadn't really thought about it in that way. I already know that he'll beat me in the race. Basically I just really wanted to do the race, and he said, "What am I going to do while you're running it?" and I said, "You could run it with me." He said okay.

Okay, that isn't quite how it came out. He made it sound like he was going to end up bent over on the side of the road puking his guts out and be lucky to even finish let alone beat you!

10. As a busy mom, I realize your time is limited so I'm curious as to how you might prioritize your "spare" time. So I'd like you to look at each activity below and classify each as to how you feel about doing them on a scale of 1 to 5. 5 = Excited and looking forward to doing it, 3 = will do if time allows but not too excited about, 1 =not excited about it at all and possibly dreading it. Ready? You go, girl!

a. Watching Discovery Health (The morbidly obese marathon) 5

That's just wrong.

b. Running/working out 5

Maybe he could get you a DDR mat.

c. Reading a romance novel 1

I would've guessed that as reading isn't high priority thing

d. Singing at church 5

Would've gussed that, too

e. Sex planned 2 days in advance 4

Not bad except when considering the Discovery Health score

f. Reading a self-help book like Passionate Marriage 2

No Surprise there. I told FTN waiting for you to keep up would be a painful exercise in patience

g. Going to a movie (romantic comedy) 5

Movies over reading. Got it.

h. Going to a movie (Action/adventure) 3

True to the sex stereotype

i. Attending a party with friends (no kids) 5

True to form, especially considering 'j'

j. Eating out at a Chinese restaurant (no kids) 2 (Love the "no kids" part, but I don't like Chinese)

That was sort of the trick, knowing the food thing. Still, what's not to like about rice and MSGs?

k. Eating at McDonalds (with kids) 4

Serious health violation, there, but I pitted that against the enjoyment of the kids.

l. Visiting your parents/family 4

m. Visiting FTN's parents/family 4

I was obviously seeing if there were in-law issues there, but a 4 seems on the low side but still understandable since Discovery Health sets the standard.

n. Making out on the couch with FTN after the kids are asleep 3

Maybe a vibrating couch would increase the score as long as it didn't wake the kids.

o. Visiting a foreign country 4 (that takes money, though)

Assuming money isn't an issue. Something maybe for the future.

p. Blogging 1

No surprise there.

q. Computer games/internet surfing 3

That scored higher than I thought it would. Youtube?

r. Changing diapers 1

Just making sure you're paying attention!

s. Eating out at an Italian restaurant 4

Well this is a ray of hope. I could forfeit Chinese for Italian any day. As long as its something besides chicken.

t. Having drinks at a bar 3

I thought maybe loosening you up with alcohol might be a possibility.

u. Sleeping 4

Not many mothers pass this one up.

v. Running a 15 mile race 4

I should run this speed round by FTN to see how it compares.

w. Cooking 2

Hard to get jazzed up about doing it every day but it ranks higher than diaper changing.

x. Unplanned sex TONIGHT 3

It beats cooking and diaper changing.

y. Talking about sex 1

I knew this would be low, but was curious how low. Which makes dealing with it that much harder for FTN. Maybe if it wasn't such a heavy issue it would be better tolerated. Can't blame you under the circumstances.

z. Praying with FTN 4 (Kind of conflicting -- I'm just uncomfortable praying outloud sometimes. Plus, if we prayed about sex, then that would lead to a conversation about sex, and we'd have to talk about our problems.)

Nothing you said warrants giving this higher than a 2 or 3. Probably because you think it should be higher you inflated it. I'm not saying it's wrong but it might not be a true reflection of your real feelings. Maybe if FTN promised to take sex out of prayer for a period of time and let you lead in that area.

aa. Answering questions from strange anonymous bloggers. 1

No surprises there. You're a good sport!

I hope this wasn't too stressful of an experience as I try to make it thoughtful and at least somewhat fun. You got a lot of courage (and patience) dealing with FTN, much less all of his strange, anonymous blogging friends!

Thanks for having the easiest questions so far. I don't like essays -- I really like answering in numbers. Any future questions should be yes/no or numbers!

Okay, but doing it that way requires a buttload (more) of questions!

DH's Diet

2008-01-06T21:56:00.000-05:00

Lots of folks are resolving to get in better shape in '08 and I'm all for that. Some people have really let themselves go! I'm maintaining a very stable 194 which is 9 pounds more than I would like but I'm not complaining. Much. I have not been as militant with the exercise and diet but I still watch what I'm doing and watch my weight.

Desperate Husband has been posting his diet for about a week, and I need to leave a comment but there's no way to be brief on the subject so I'll link to him and see how that goes.

The major parts of his diet seem to consist of raisin bran crunch, some sort of starch and a diet soda of some sort. In fact the diet Dr. Pepper seems to be the biggest component of his diet. And this is definitely not the way to go. I get that the holidays are a rough time so I'm surprisingly okay with the cookies, wings and other crap he's been eating. But he seriously misses reporting a few things as well as misses out on some relatively simple things he can do to work the diet better.

The raisin bran crunch, arguably the healthiest thing he eats all day perfectly illustrates the problem. First off, is he eating this with milk? If he is, he can save 100 calories just by making it skim milk. And no bullshit about not liking skim milk! I grew up drinking milk skimmed from the top of a bulk tank that was probably 15% fat! If I can switch to skim, anyone can!

Plus the "crunch" component of the raisin bran crunch usually means added sugar. This is negating the benefit from the fiber in the bran flakes. I'm not saying it's "bad" per se but even plain raisin bran has some added sugar. But I'll give DH some benefit for making an effort here.

One thing that is going to cripple his diet is being a road warrior salesperson. Eating out is lethal to any sort of structured eating plan. Being busy and in a hurry will sabotage the best of intentions. Stress and boredom will short circuit fitness attempts. So it's important to grab a few guiding principles and hang on to them like a dog on to a bone. They'll help during the tough times and serve as a way to get on track when you get off.

1. Fiber, fiber, fiber! You can not have too much fiber. Fiber is the backbone of eating healthy. Pretty much anything with fiber will have other healthy stuff. Fiber also counts against fat and carbs. If something has 7g carb and 3g of fiber, you get to only count 4g. It's that whole "net carb" thing which seems funny but it works. Fiber has a gazillion other benefits like regulating digestion, stabilizing insulin/blood sugar levels and encouraging morre absorption of other nutrients. If you look at DH's diet, it is hideously light on fiber.

2. Protein. One big problem with dieting is always feeling hungry. The fact is, is that protein sticks with you longer, fills you better and keeps a body from feeling starved for a much longer period of time. As the protein takes longer and more energy to breakdown, it keeps the blood sugar from spiking and consequently dropping through the floor like carbs do. I'm not saying carbs are all bad. Balance them with protein and fiber and you'll do alright.

3. Leave off unnecessary fat. Fat does help carry flavor and it's okay if it is balanced. But there's a lot of fat we ingest that is unnecessary and kind of dumb. For instance, DH likes sub sandwiches and they are about the best choice for eating out. Leaving off the mayo saves 100 calories. Leaving off the cheese saves another 100. The cream and sugar in coffee is about 100 cals. The butter on toast: 100 cals. See a trend? I got 400 calories here without sacrificing much. I believe in making the diet as painless as possible so I give away the little high-ticket stuff first. It's not even a real sacrifice. Put your sandwich on whole wheat bread to sneak in more fiber to knock out more carb calories.

3. Spice it up. Fat carries flavor and sugar just tastes good. Carbs are cheap and they taste good, too and go down oh-so-easy. Giving all that up will seem painful and an act of deprivation. That just adds tension and anxiety which you don't need. Spicy foods can fill that void and pay other dividends, too. Adding spicy peppers to that sub sandwich gives flavor and fiber at the same time. Spicy mustard fills the void left by the mayo. Plus you'll be more likely to drink more when eating hot food, which fills you up and helps burn more calories. Speaking of which...
4. Drink water. Slack off the diet drinks just a bit. Those things may actually make you feel hungrier faster, according to some studies. Tough when you're eating out all the time, but after having a 20 ounce drink fill the cup with ice water to wash down the spicy food.

5. Keep some healthy snacks around. DH, like me, is a compulsive snacker. I've found keeping apples and oranges around helps me make better choices. Just fight the temptation to compare the apples to the oranges. It also help curb the appetite when actually eating a meal and adds more fiber to the mix. Keeping nuts around also does the same thing although those add a considerable amount of fat. But its better than cookies and potato chips. If you know how to bake, try some of these lentil cookies.

By blogging his diet, DH is on the right track. It may help motivate him and give extra incentive. I know blogging and the encouragement I got helped me. He's also trying to manage his portions, which is important. His exercise program needs some consistency but he's working on it. Again, being on the road so much hurts his efforts so he's going to have to plan and focus a lot more than I did. Once a month at McDonald's isn't the end of the world but it's a slippery slope.

I do offset much of my junk through exercise. I've been making use of the elliptical trainer I got for Arwyn more than she has and she's okay with that because she dislikes me using the step mat I can do 15 minutes on that and crank up the resistance to equal 30 minutes on the mat. I'll have to do more in order to take off that extra 10 pounds but I can maintain at my present pace.

Anyone else trying to turn things around in 2008, weight-wise?

D.

The Invisible Audience

2007-10-21T17:35:00.000-04:00

FTN asks a couple of questions in his latest blog post about what it is about women and their love-hate relationship with food and body image. As he and commentors reveal, most of this is grounded in experiences that begin with adolescence.

In order to answer this, we first might benefit by looking at Piaget's developmental levels. According to Piaget, as a person matures, they move from a concrete operational stage into one of formal operations. Suddenly, a child enters into young adulthood with a keen awareness of other people and the fact that they have views and perceptions different than their own. From Piaget, we can then talk about Elkind and his work with adolescent development.

Elkind extended Piaget's work by looking at the emerging adult mind. In the process he developed and extended a couple of things which we sort of take for granted. One of them is the idea of adolescent egocentrism (The personal fable isn't necessarily germain to this discuss but feel free to apply it as needed!). This egocentrism is tied intimately to the idea of the invisible audience. Adolescence is often characterized by melodrama which depends upon the belief that they are the primary actors and that there is this audience which critically judges their performance. It's funny watching teens act this out, as they are so preoccupied with this awareness of the audience that in fact there really is no audience at all. They are all absorbed into their own little world too much to notice one another. So they often do things which they think will please, entertain and sometimes provoke the invisible audience. The entire universe revolves around them and everyone in it is watching and judging them.

So it's not hard to see how certain things get blown out of proportion, especially when the invisible unreal audience sometimes becomes confused with the real life audience. If someone says something about their appearance, it gets internalized and generalized. Instead of just one person saying "You're getting a little heavy there Miss Thunder Thighs" suddenly the entire (invisible) audience is jeering "You're a fat ass!"

The universe is a big place and populated by at least one planet loaded with billions of people. If the entire universe is criticizing your appearance, it's not hard to see why you might get moody and depressed. That whole adolescent sturm and drang is derived from this neurotic doubling in of criticism upon oneself. Just as an adolescent learns to think critically, they suddenly realize everyone thinks this way. So the more judgmental they become, the more they internalize the judgments of others.

The problem is one of development, namely that the adolescent realizes the critical thinking of others without any appreciation of how sensitive and insecure everyone else is. That's not to say they are totally without compassion (although it often seems like it) it's that they fail to internalize and generalize that aspect sufficiently to deflect the criticisms of the invisible audience. The invisible audience is a construct without compassion. It is judgmental beyond the pale. It's like a universe made up of Simon Cowells. We like Simon (sort of) because he more closely resembles the invisible audience. Because he is harsh, we trust him that when he finally says we're good, he has some credibility.

When girls internalize the criticism, it often hangs with them into adulthood. So even though they might have moved on in most areas developmentally, in this one area the development is arrested. Thankfully, most move on by the time they themselves become parents. But sometimes they don't, and that is when we encounter serious problems. This is when mother-daughter relationships become screwy as the adult has this unresolved hang-up and then relives it when their own daughter starts going through it.

Sturm and drang all over the place all over again.

Most of us do have vestiges of the invisible audience that always remain with us. It would be interesting to look at how this intersects with the whole blogging phenomenon. One could argue that the act of blogging is an attempt to reach out to the invisible audience, and interact and hopefully discover that the universe isn't as critical as we once thought it was. Most of us are a bit surprised when we post something that our own internal audience berates us for and the real invisible audience turns out to be more sympathetic and easier to get along with. This is one thing that makes it so therapeutic, in that we're largely more supportive than the internalized critics. We discover that maybe the universe isn't quite as harsh as we thought it was.

A second question FTN had was why guys seem to think they still are all that when in reality they may not be. To understand this, we might look at the flipside of the more typical neurotic tendencies of women. Namely they we, as men, tend to more psychotic. While women tend to over generalize and over indulge the voices of the inner, invisible audience, men tend to simply shut them up and shut them out. This is a defense mechanism men employ largely because our egos are in fact more fragile. By gagging the inner audience we can be and do whatever we want without having to bother with that inner Simon. What the hell does he know, anyway?

The problem with this is we also tend to break away from the real audience as well. That break from reality that helps us preserve our egos makes us capable of doing and saying stupid stuff that comes off as incredibly insensitive. So now we have this screwy father-daughter relationship where the guy says something completely insensitive and unthoughtful, having no clue that she is deeply internalizing his words. He just assumes she's going to tell the inner audience to shut up, like he does. He may not even remember saying what he did, as he doesn't particularly think she'll listen any too closely to him, anyway. But we see by FTN's story about Autumn and the comments that this simply isn't the case. Men blow other people's comments off all the time. That's why we can totally insult each other and still share a beer later on. We're just not as in touch with certain emotional realities. We mistakenly assume that everyone else is as emotionally deficient and disconnected as we are. And when dealing with men, it is sometimes a safe assumption. Sometimes it's not, as when last year I made a pretty brash comment on or about Christian Husband's blog and he internalized it and reacted strongly at my lack of sensitivity.

Me, insensitive?

Not that he's any slouch in that department. He's just as judgmental and straight talking as any other guy, which occasionally gets him in hot water like the rest of us.

The best advice for both the neurotic and psychotic among us is to go easy on each other. Acceptance and trust seem to go a long way towards healing past injuries and preventing new wounds. In being conscious of the imaginary audience, those of us who do not necessarily cater to the crowd can perhaps buffer some of the effects of those who do. We can be less judgmental and critical and perhaps even employ a certain amount of humor to the situation. One of the difficulties encountered by FTN is that it often seems his affirmations seem to matter less to Autumn than the criticism from the imaginary audience. After all, he's just one guy compared to the rest of the universe that she has been listening to far longer than he's been around in her life. That's some tough credibility to counter. But his patience and good example will go a long way over time. Hopefully.

Let's not confuse the invisible audience with the inner adult, super ego or conscience. Those mechanisms kick in based on behaviors and thoughts. The audience may also weigh in during those times like when you eat that second piece of cake, but there are instances when a conscience might be silent while the audience gets rather Simon-like. For instance you are going to sing in the church choir. Your conscience might be totally clear with that as you are serving God. But that blasted audience will pipe in and tell you how fat you look in the robe or how awful you sound.

See the problem?

Listening to conscience is a good thing while listening to the invisible audience is mostly bad. If you're always worried about what other people will think or say, you're catering to the audience. If you evaluate your actions in light of your own values and your own integrity, you are following your conscience.

Again, this is what makes the blogging thing so therapeutic. We can deal with an actual audience and get authentic reactions. You can post a HNT pic and ask "Do I look fat?" Chances are you already know the answer, but you might get some other responses like, "Yeah you're kinda heavy, but I'd still fuck you."

A lot of our fears and thoughts are just totally irrational. Confronting the imaginary audience or employing a real one might help diminish some of its destructive power.

D.

The Secret

2007-07-03T14:17:00.000-04:00

There's a book out there that seems to be taking the country by storm. A certain Australian author was vaulted to best-seller status when Oprah started plugging the book The Secret which claims to offer the secret to everything a person wants. It's basically a "name it and claim it" new age pantheistic collection of thoughts.
Gina brought the audio version and wanted me to copy it for Arwyn. She apparently wanted me to do it right away, while she and Arwyn had a "girl’s day out." I was busy having fun with the boys, making ice cream, going to the store to buy stuff to make it, and then getting them involved in my Stepmania game by hooking up the second dance mat.

When I first saw the title, I thought this was a work of romantic fiction or something. Like The Notebook or something. Then I read the back and red flags started going up. I began listening to the first of the 4 CD's and more mental flags were waving. I logged onto the internet and read various reviews while listening and realized this thing, spiritually speaking, was a load of crap. Talk about pyromarketing! Gina bought into it lock, stock and barrel.

She and Arwyn came home while I was investigating this, and I'm afraid I flew into Gina a bit harshly. She got defensive and then I got defensive and it was a bit intense. More intense than I meant.

Admittedly, I did not listen to the whole thing. I have not seen the Oprah special. Good grief, that woman has influence! I simply read some of the review on her website.

The Devil's gambit is to lie, deceive and entice, which this whole work is based around. There's this idea of attracting only good things through positive thought. Attracting wealth, happiness, curing diseases and having wonderful relationships. Who wouldn't want that? So there's the enticement.

So where's the lie? Well, the author claims that the secret has been known and studied throughout history by the greatest philosophers and thinkers who ever lived. Really and truly buying into this idea of a secret handed down through the ages requires that you buy into the idea that it actually works as it worked for all those folks she lists as masters of the secret. Certainly Socrates, Plato, Einstein and others were extraordinary thinkers. But they all are still dead. The secret did not spare them from that. None of them were extravagantly wealthy. I'm not sure about the Greek philosophers, but I know Einstein struggled with his interpersonal relationships. Abraham Lincoln supposedly knew the secret. Ever read this guy's autobiography? He suffered from depression, he was not wealthy, he struggled with his marriage and he was shot in the back of the head!

HELLO??!!!???

IS ANYONE THERE?

I'm sure proponents of the Secret philosophy have an explanation for all of this. Perhaps Lincoln did not apply the Secret correctly. Perhaps he abandoned it after being elected president. Whatever.

The author of this book is being made extraordinarily rich; thanks to people buying the oldest lie in the known universe. It is repackaged and slickly marketed. I get my blood up with the realization that the masses are so gullible as to fall for this bit over and over and over again.

This is probably why I flew into Gina so harshly. I like her and hate to think of her as being so gullible. But as Arwyn said later, she has had some rough times. She's still locked into this butt-ugly divorce with Donald, and is totally drained of all financial resources. She's had the rug pulled out from under her, and is searching for some sort of Answer. I just wish Oprah wasn't the first stop for so many searching for the Answer.

P.T. Barnum was the one who knew the real secret. There's a sucker born every minute.

I have no idea how to talk to someone who has fallen for the lie. No one wants to be told they are gullible. Challenging them simply makes them dig their heals in deeper. Perhaps some REBT-style inquiry might cut through some of the euphoric fog. But that's part of the problem: when the fog is intoxicating it's difficult to get anywhere. Somehow reality has to bring a person back to earth.

D.

Gardening in Georgia

2007-05-13T22:02:00.000-04:00

Xi Summit was wondering about the status of gardens in Georgia and I thought I'd give an update.

In a word: lousy.

Down here, a body can garden almost year 'round which is nice. But each and every gardener is at the mercy of the weather. And weather for Georgia gardeners and farmers has been butt-ugly this year, so far.

We were off to a good start back in late March and things looked very promising. I had a bunch of things in the ground that were growing and thriving, until the big Easter freeze. That freeze disrupted everything that wasn't destroyed. My peaches: gone. Blueberries: gone. Apples: gone. Squash: gone Tomatoes: long gone. Corn: mostly gone. Beans: not gone, but severely damaged and needing time to recover.

The asparagus and blackberries seemed to be unaffected. Along with the weeds and fire ants.

So I replanted tomatoes, corn and some beans, as well as sowed more lettuce and radishes, deciding to hedge against more cold weather by planting stuff that likes cool weather. The idea was to have some things to take up to Iowa in mid-June which is why I pushed the corn.

So I replanted after Easter and started over. Now the danger of frost is well past and we have some warm weather, which corn likes. However, we are in the middle of the worst drought since 1915. I'm having to water almost every other day. The good news is that I'm growing in raised beds, which means better use of the water. But it,s still quite a lot over 5 different plots.

So things have been tough. I'm watching a storm system blow over right now that is delivering lightning but no rain. THAT is frustrating! We're still better off than our South Georgia neighbors who have spent a month fighting wildfires. We are not far from that point.

So I'm thinking about water and watering. How do I save time and money with watering? I'm on city water, so I'm paying and will likely pay more as rates increase.

First off, I don't water grass. I think it is a terrible waste with the exception of new seeding. And it so happens I'm on the verge of doing some of that.

My lawn was originally planted with tall fescue, which is the grass of choice for this part of Georgia. Developers like it because it is cheap, fairly easy to start, and stays green longer than anything else. But it hogs more fertilizer, more water and more maintenance than any other grass. It needs to be mowed every week. It needs at least an inch of water every week, sometimes more. It needs a ton of fertilizer. It grows in thick clumpy bunches and really doesn't spread. A bare patch will stay bare, or fill in with weeds.

Basically, if it isn't nursed along, fescue will go bad and get worse. The upside is that it provides a ton of mulch from all the clippings.

I want to plant centipede grass, sometimes called "Lazy Man's Grass." I actually have some expanding patches in the back yard that I really like. This grasses actually likes dry weather, it hates fertilizer and grows slowly so it doesn't need a lot of mowing. The downside is that turns brown earlier in the fall/winter and greens up later in the spring.

Last year got dry during June and the centipede began taking over. I encouraged it as best I could by not mowing and not fertilizing. I actually applied very modest amounts of water to the outer edges of the patch. Enough to water the shallow centipede stolons but not enough to help the fescue. But this is in the back yard.

The front yard has an almost nice strip of fescue right next to the house. The rest of the yard looks like crap, and is mostly bare red clay. It needs a make over in a terrible way. Hence my wanting to try seeding it. Hence a preoccupation with keeping water going to it. Centipede is best sown in warmer weather; May-June, which is right now.

So I'm experimenting with different watering and mulching schemes. I thought that maybe using newspaper with some additional material on top (like grass clippings) might be just the thing. to keep the seeds moist. The problem is with delivering water.on a regular or continuous basis. I'm experimenting with a combination of siphoning and capillary techniques, but so far nothing holds much promise. If I water in the morning, after a mere 4 hours of hot Georgia sun, things will be dry again. If I get a timer to water every few hours, most of it is lost to evaporation plus I run the risk of getting pinched by the locals for breaking our watering restrictions (midnight-8 am every other day). So much if this has to be on the down low, anyway.

It's a perennial problem especially for southern gardeners. I already use some fairly radical mulching around trees, shrubs and even tomatoes by using cardboard of both light and heavy varieties. It keeps the weeds down, too!

Place Holding: Home/House/Simple Church

2007-04-30T16:51:00.000-04:00

Washington Post article

Another more recent News Story

A recent Story out of China: We take our freedom for granted, don't we?

The first article I ever read on the subject and still the best.

Another House church site

The site where you can find video, podcasts and articles: These guys are not necessarily part of the house church movement but they make a compelling case for fleeing the institutional church.

A story from Ecuador

Church without laity

A Blog I'll be following

More to come..

Jesus-Mart?

2007-03-28T20:46:00.000-04:00

I use the placeholding post to save links that I'm working through in order to write a post. It allows readers to read what I'm reading and even possibly write their own posts as they feel led. And yes, they often draw as many comments as anything I write.

Before I give my treatment of Rick Warren, I need to go into why I'm doing it in the first place. First, it will be helpful to know my own background as noted in my history. I've been around just a bit. The Methodist church that I've been involved with is a mainline denomination that has drifted far from anything Wesley would have envisioned. There are sharp divisions within the denomination that threaten to tear it apart. But presently, dialogue between the conservative and liberal sides remains in place. Someone like me can teach and even criticize the church without a lot of fear of retribution or disciplinary action. The people are friendly and some are shallower than others. Arwyn felt like she had to wear a mask there as she felt like she was being judged, and I can't say this was not true.

The community church did have a different feel to it. I tried to put my finger on it. It seemed like everyone in the congregation was needy and hurting in some way. This was just my intuition working away but it was something I could just sense. The people were friendly, like at the Methodist church but maybe they seemed more accessible because of the hurting vibe. There were other familiar feelings but without the heaviness of the fundamentalist church I was more familiar with.

There is an attraction to this church that draws people in that I seem somewhat immune to. I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is that attracts people to this church in droves. They hear the siren call and are drawn here. I find it hard to believe it's just the music. It is like a weekly rock concert, but it isn't that good. I like it okay, but since the words are new every week, it isn't something that invites people to join the singing. There is some clapping that goes on, and I can see it can be fun. But is that enough?

The sermon is indeed a lot like a lecture. There are notes in the program with little blanks for the people to fill in. No one brings a Bible to this church as all of the scriptures are either printed in the outline or shown on the giant screen. The giant screen is handy for showing the lyrics of the various scripture songs during the concert, showing video clips or any other visual content needed during the service. Communion is taken every Sunday, as is the offering. There is some praying but there are no creeds spoken here and no corporate prayer such as the Lord's prayer. This service is centered on the stage and all the action is directed from there.

This is in contrast to a typical Methodist service where people sing in unison, pray in unison and recite various creeds and confessions together in unison. Even when a baptism occurs, there is a portion for the congregation to recite together. At the Community Church, there is none of this. Of course both types of church take up an offering fairly early on in the service, before the sermon. The Methodist church has a choir and anyone who wants to can be a member pretty much regardless of talent. At the community church, there are a couple guitars, a keyboard and a drum set. At the Methodist church, there is a big pipe organ behind a large cross that dominates the altar. In fact, the Community church doesn't have an altar at all, but rather a proper stage. And there isn't a cross to be found in the place.

While dress at the Methodist church has become more casual over the years, the Community church is totally casual all the time. While many women still wear dresses, it's pretty rare to find a tie on a man.

Overall, I'm neutral about most of the differences in these details about how worship is done. I'm not sure what the Community church has against a choir, as I liked seeing my kids perform when they were in the Methodist church. The choral reading and prayers I can give or take, but I thought they were good tools to teach the younger kids to read. Being Bible based without a Bible seems awkward to me. Sure I can read it on the big screen but there is some benefit to turning pages and seeing the scripture in context.

I referred to this church as being more Biblically orthodox, and it is true to a point. They have no real doctrine or theology that is adhered to, but have agreed to concentrate on the essentials of the faith and not focus on those things that are divisive. They see the Bible as the true word of God and do not believe it contains errors or contradictions. Up to this point I'm okay. However, when looking at their curriculum/lesson series there are some notable gaps. They rarely cover the Old Testament and never cover the books of the prophets.

Again, perhaps I am splitting hairs. But then I begin listening to the pastor and then I start seeing red flags.

The biggest problem I have is when Rick Jr. says that small churches that remain small have done so because they are not interested in growing. He claims they have closed their doors to new people. He goes on to say that people are being damned to hell because they are locked out of the existing churches. Keep in mind a couple of things. This is Georgia, the big buckle of the Bible belt. You can not swing a dead cat without hitting 2 or 3 churches. On the Community Church road, there are no less that 7 different churches of varying sizes. Also keep in mind he is on an 11 million dollar building campaign. He needs to justify the sacrificial giving of the members and does so by saying that if there isn't enough room in his church, people will end up in Hell. This does not even approximate any resemblance to truth or even a half truth, in my opinion.

Rick Junior's church is growing at the expense of the surrounding flocks. They are not converting the great unwashed heathen hoards in the area. They are the Wal-Mart of churches, closing down the little guys and are on a fast track to becoming a Super Church-Mart. Jesus-Mart. Christ Depot. Whatever you want to call it, this church is undertaking a deliberate strategy to become the biggest church around. This is not necessarily wrong, per se. Big is not necessarily bad. But bigness does beget some problems. Getting big at the expense of Biblical truth is not a fair trade. Creating division in a community by degrading a church simply because it is small and always has been small is not right or proper. And if one is going to be following a purpose driven church, is there any reason to hide that? Why not go ahead and affiliate with Rick Warren and Saddleback at the outset? After all, everyone has read or heard of The Purpose Driven Life. This book has sold something like 25 million copies and has been on the best seller list for years. Yet this affiliation is sort of hidden in the background and is not spoken of until a body has already joined the church. Why is that?

These are just a few of the things I am thinking about that are somewhat unique to this particular church. In a bit, I'll present more thoughts on the New Growth Movement and a Needs-Based church. As it is, I have a mountain of material to go through and read, many questions to ask those who are members and have been for quite sometime. If I can get a pastor, I'll do that. But there is a growing unease about this church and the entire movement. Perhaps I'm forming a bias prematurely or perhaps there are things I'm not seeing. Perhaps I have yet to see the best they have to offer. Perhaps these issues are unimportant given the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect church. I've had issues with every church I've ever belonged to or attended. So maybe I'm just picking on this one because it is just there and big and fat and juicy and ripe. I do not know but I intend to find out.

Place Holding: Purpose Driven Church

2007-03-28T00:01:00.000-04:00

InPlainsite Offerings

Wallstreet Journal article

Moriel Index

Maxed Out?

2007-03-03T20:50:00.000-05:00

I was holding a spot for some more discussion on financial and money issues. With it being tax time and a time when many households suffer from Holiday Hangover, finances are big news.

The article I introduced below, which is a review by Laura Rowley of an upcoming documentary called Maxed Out, (See MSNBC Q & A with the creater here)brings up some themes I've discussed before. In fact, much of the material that seems to be covered in Maxed Out, including an interview with Elizabeth Warren can be accessed from the Frontline website about credit and credit cards. The Elizabeth Warren interview is also important because of her description of a talk she had with then First Lady, Hillary Clinton. It is highly instructive of how Ms. Clinton did stop a bill from being pushed because of the harm it would do to women, but once she became senator was easily bought by the big banks in 2005. Being easily bought is a major Clinton legacy.

But aside from the politics, the review used an analogy that I think is at the heart of why credit cards count poor people as their best customers. She refers to credit cards as a ready life raft when hard times hit that people often reach for. And it is so true. When the car breaks down, when a major appliance breaks down or when there's any sort of emergency like the illness of a far away relative, what do you do? You reach for the plastic. When there's too much month at the end of the money and you need groceries or need to pay the doctor or you child needs braces, where are you going? To the plastic.

I used to have a reader who was often in dire straits financially, and she often bemoaned the fact that they were too poor to even get a credit card. Fact is, they were lucky not to have one.

If you think of credit cards like a life raft, it might be more beneficial to see things from the point of view of another sea creature. Ever watch The Deadliest Catch on Discovery? Imagine being a king crab and you are competing with other crabs for food. You're a bottom feeder who can't really swim so you have to rely on the swimming food to sort of die and come down to the bottom for you to get it. You might think of the credit card banks as bottom-feeding economic crabs, waiting for hardship to strike so they can consume you but the banks are not the crabs. You are. You see what looks like very easy and available relief from your hunger right there on the bottom. It also allows you some protection from other predators that might eat you. So you happily go for the available food and munch happily. At least until the door slams shut and you are hauled to the surface. Now you definitely will be on the menu!

Credit card companies market convenience. The Visa commercial showing everyone happily swiping until the gears of productivity are fouled by the dummy who's paying cash is an example of slick marketing.

It's not a life raft. It's not even a convenience. I'm not saying I haven't found it to be so on occasion but the cards themselves have made things harder on people who might rather pay cash. Try buying an airline ticket with cash. Try renting a car with cash. In fact it is getting harder and harder to buy anything with cash. The industry has successfully altered the financial and economic landscape where it is difficult to do anything without plastic. And it's going to get even harder if Visa has its way.

Consider the next time you reach for the life raft that you are actually crawling into a crab pot whose destination is the belly of a banking executive. This is why I like Dave Ramsey's system where the first step is to establish a $1000 emergency fund. Now you have constructed your own life raft that won't suck you down even deeper. Your own savings account isn't going to charge you a late fee or extra interest.

If I had one suggestion for the Ramsey plan it would be to perhaps shoot for $1500. Nowadays, it is increasingly difficult to replace a major appliance or to repair (or replace) an old car for $1000. The purpose of the savings account is to be the life raft in the face of a disaster or two. But either way, it's important to make a start. It's no accident that the road to real financial freedom is saving and not spending. It's also no accident that many people are led to think otherwise as credit card banks have spent millions of dollars to get you to think that way.

About Debt

2007-03-03T10:20:00.000-05:00

Just space-holding for now:

Autumn's Follow-Up

2007-01-17T20:48:00.000-05:00

Okay, here is sort of a mini-interview with Autumn. You can read all about her at FTN's blog as well as answers to questions from other readers here. My questions are in black, Autumns answers are in red and my comments/responses/questions that follow-up are in italics.

Not really. See answers in the last post.

2. Last year you said that you didn't read all of his posts or sometimes he would tell you when there might be something you would be interested in reading. Why wouldn't you read everything he wrote? I mean he's sharing a lot of his thoughts and issues here. Wouldn't you want to know as much as you could possibly know about him or do you think you already know everything there is to know about him?That's a good question. I figure he's my husband, and we are very open with one another, and I would be hurt if he thought I needed to read an online blog to find out what he is thinking or feeling. It's just not in my personality to read blogs. Quite honestly it's just not how I want to spend my time.

Fair enough, but things often get discussed and hashed out amongst our little community as you've sort of discovered. It's not always contentious, but often provokes a lot of thoughts and discussions. I'm still curious: is reading *anything* part of how you like to spend leisure time? I'm guessing that you don't spend much time in front of the computer and I can respect that. That's why I have a PDA.

3. A while back I shared the results from a temperament test that I took. (I'm an INTJ, BTW). Would you take the test and share yours?Sure. [Results follow from the test.]

Autumn's Type is ESTJ. She is a moderately expressed extrovert, a moderately expressed sensing personality, a moderately expressed thinking personality, and a very expressed judging personality.

"Supervisor Guardians" are squarely on the side of rules and procedures, and they can be quite serious about seeing to it that others toe the mark-or else face the consequences. They do not hesitate to give their stamp of approval, nor do they withhold their directions or suggestions for improvement. Like seasoned, stalwart umpires, Supervisors will set their jaw and make the call on anyone who steps up to bat. They even feel obligated to do so, and they're sometimes surprised when others don't seem grateful for being set straight.

Comprising at least ten percent of the population, Supervisors go by experience and that is what counts, not speculation and experimentation, and certainly not fantasy. They keep their feet firmly on the ground and make sure that those under their supervision do the same, whether employee, subordinate, offspring, or spouse. If others wish to fool around and daydream, fine, as long as they do it on their own time-which means after the job is done. But if they fritter away their time while on duty, they should not be surprised when the Supervisor calls them on the carpet. The top sergeant will not put up with such nonsense.

ESTJs are joiners. They seek out like-minded companions in clubs, civic groups, churches and other service organizations. The need for belonging is woven into the fiber of SJs. The family likewise is a central focus for ESTJs, and attendance at such events as weddings, funerals and family reunions is obligatory.

ESTJs have an acute sense for orthodoxy. Much of their evaluation of persons and activities reflects their strong sense of what is "normal" and what isn't. ESTJ humor is frequently centered around something or someone being off center or behaving abnormally.

Note from FTN: I am an ENTJ, by the way ("FieldMarshalls"). I've known this for a long time, because it was a long-running joke back in college with a friend of mine that was also an ENTJ. According to the test, I'm a very expressed extrovert, a moderately expressed intuitive personality, a moderately expressed thinking personality, and a distinctively expressed judging personality.

ENTJs have a natural tendency to marshall and direct. This may be expressed with the charm and finesse of a world leader or with the insensitivity of a cult leader (Sweet! I've always wanted to have my own compound!). The ENTJ requires little encouragement to make a plan.

ENTJs are often "larger than life" in describing their projects or proposals. This ability may be expressed as salesmanship, story-telling facility or stand-up comedy. In combination with the natural propensity for filibuster, our hero can make it very difficult for the customer to decline.

ENTJs are decisive. They see what needs to be done, and frequently assign roles to their fellows. Few other types can equal their ability to remain resolute in conflict, sending the valiant (and often leading the charge) into the mouth of hell. When challenged, the ENTJ may by reflex become argumentative. Alternatively he may unleash an icy gaze that serves notice: the ENTJ is not one to be trifled with. (I'm totally working on my icy gaze right now.)

For me, this was a revelation. FTN, being the field Marshal, does come across larger-than-life and we all knew he was an extravert (show-off) but you are not depicted that way at all! And perhaps this is just because he has more of it. But reading the description, more pieces fall into place. Passion, imagination and fantasies are born from the same place as intuition. And your sense of humor coming from someone who is off-center...well looking at FTN can totally see that. It works!

4. Are you still a stay-at-home mother full-time? Do you ever think about going back into the workforce? What would you like to do when the kids reach school age?I'm still a stay-at-home mom. I imagine I'll probably go back into the work force once the kids are both in school, but it is not something that I really *want* to do. It will probably be needed at some point. I'm not sure right now what type of work I'd like to do. I'll probably lean towards something that works for us schedule-wise, rather than something I really want to do.

So practical! Always so practical! Here's hoping that you can figure out what you'd like to do so that if the opportunitiy for it comes along (and still fits the schedule) you'll be able to recognize it. I'm not knocking practical in the sense that it's the philosophy of going with whatever works and I actually favor that a bit myself. But I still reserve the right to dream. You've gotta have some dreams, right?

Right?

I'd say besides times when I'm talking about sex with FTN, I don't think about sex. I might think about what we're doing later, and think, "oh, we're having sex tonight. I should try to be open-minded to whatever he wants to do."

No tingle down low...ever? I guess that answers the question about reading spicy novels or watching racy television or movies. But then again, this sort of fits with the sexual anorexic/aversion thing we briefly mentioned last year.

7. Supposing FTN says that he'd like to have sex with you the day after tomorrow. Is that enough notice? What goes through your mind next: "Oh goodie!" or "Again, already?"I would say two days is more than enough notice. Depending on what else we have going on that evening, I would think, oh, that would be nice to do that night. It's mostly a timing thing, depending on what else we have planned in the evening.

Okay, so I'm trying to read into this; is this enthusiasm?

8. This scheduling business with the two of you seems extraordinarily odd. I mean you are not only scheduling when but also what and how! So how much detail is preplanned: positions, length of session, flavor of body butter, toys to be used? How much of a menu does FTN have from which to choose? Are there things that you make totally off limits?Here's an example of what might happen: It's Monday night, and one of us might say to the other one, "Would you like to make love tomorrow night?" Then if we say yes, that is usually all that is planned out about it. Or if we say no, we might decide on perhaps the next night. Generally I would only say no if we are very busy the next night and we are going to be out late, and I would rather do it on a night when we are not quite as busy. I don't think there is anything that is completely off-limits, but FTN knows that there are some things I would prefer not to do. But I would be willing to try them if it really meant a lot to him, for me to do them.

Okay, so now you're suggesting that you're initiating, here. Is this a 50:50 thing where you're initiating as much as FTN or is it more 60:30? I'm asking just to clear up the perception that FTN is always the one askiong or begging) and you're the one who sometimes (or oftentimes) consents. Or maybe that's me projecting my own business here. But at least you're willing to postpone and not just make the no be a final, flat rejection. That really should count for something in FTN's score book.

9. When are you going to give oral sex a shot? I mean a real fair chance, not just a single "I-tried-it-and-it-was-icky" session? I'm talking about both the giving and receiving, here.I don't know. I really don't know.

Now THAT is a total cop-out! Now in the previous question you claim to be open to almost anything...all FTN has to do is ask, right?

Thing is, we'll probably never know one way or another, now.

10. One of the things that you were praying for last year was that FTN would know that you still found him attractive while not really being overly sexual. What are some other ways that you let him know that he is attractive?I try to give him compliments so that I'm telling him I find him physically attractive.

In light of #'s 6, 7 and 8, I'm trying to think of how convinced I could be of your sincerity. If someone is physically attracted to someone else, that means they are drawn to them...physically. As in being next to them, touching them and being touched by them. I'm just struggling with this definition from this alternate universe you and many others seem to occupy where the claim is that they can be physically attracted with little or no physical contact.

11. FTN is like some sort of paid cheerleader for counseling. However, it doesn't seem to have done you two a lot of good. Can you name anything specific that counseling helped you with that has improved you and FTN's relationship today?No, I can't really think of anything that ours in particular helped us with. I don't think I got anything out of it except for maybe a bunch of antidepressant pills. It was a long time ago, and I have trouble remembering details about it.

Ummm, not exactly a glowing endorsement here, is it? Thank you for giving me some ammo to tell FTN to punch up his own number for the APA! Ha!

12. You promised FTN some sort of romantic thing for Christmas. Have you done it yet?Yes. [See FTN's comment here.]

Well, I can't say that was a very satisfying account at all!

Maybe reading FTN's blog isn't such a swell idea. Now his writing is going to be stilted and boring because he's censoring out the best parts...not that he was ever all that explicit. He was just fairly open and honest while being respectful.

13. What sort of advice would you give a young woman who was contemplating marriage?Pray pray pray. I really don't think I'm a good person to give someone advice about it. I would definitely advise them to go through premarriage counseling in order to have someone guide them through what issues they should talk about before they get married. Some people wait until after they are married to discuss important things like kids, finances, sex, careers, who is going to work outside the home, that type of thing.

I'm wondering, how willing would you have been to undergo a very in-depth discussion of such things before you were married? I know, hindsight is 20/20 and I totally agree with you, here.

14. Looking back over your marriage, what would you differently if you were starting over again?I would have tried to be as open in our communication about sex as I am now, even though I'm still not nearly as open as we'd like me to be. I think I'm more open now than I was when we first got married. Overall, I'm very happy with the way our marriage has progressed. If we would have had the choice, I probably would have held off on having children a little bit longer. :-)

Well, it it's any consolation you'll be finished that much sooner...provided you don't have any more! Truth be known, I can actually see some imrpovement in your marriage the way FTN writes and even the answers I'm getting now versus a year ago.

15. Last one: What's your favorite Bible verse and why?I'd have to say my favorite passage is Psalm 139. I even wrote a song around it in college. The Psalms are of special interest to me because they are songs. Many are written by David, who was a director of music. This one is about how deeply God knows us. He made me, he searches my heart, he knows every little thing that I do, and when I read this Psalm, it just reminds me how big God is and how big eternity is compared to what I'm going through here. When I get caught up in the piddly things of life (like preschool tantrums or cracker crumbs on the floor) it helps me gain perspective on the big picture of eternity compared to the small things that are going on here.

David was nothing if not passionate! I stopped at this point because I realized that there is the whole area of belief, faith, theology and religious background that we just have not gotten into! This could go on forever!

Yours is an interesting story, Autumn, because it is inextricably joined to FTN's which many of us have enjoyed reading. Bloggers are storytellers and story-readers, not unlike David who wrote and sang his songs. His songs resonnated with the Truth even though many of them were all about his feelings and experiences and personal reflections. Even though we're total strangers, in a way we are connected through our words and our stories. Thanks for sharing some of yours!

D.

Autumn Quest

2007-01-12T21:46:00.000-05:00

WooHoo! It's "Ask Autumn Anything" time! Last year, it was "Ask FTN's Wife Anything" (See the action here and here) which just sounded awkward. It's nice that at least one of you now has a real name. I've waited a whole year for this so I'm diving straight in...

1. Do you still read FTN's blog regularly?

2. Last year you said that you didn't read all of his posts or sometimes he would tell you when there might be something you would be interested in reading. Why wouldn't you read everything he wrote? I mean he's sharing a lot of his thoughts and issues here. Wouldn't you want to know as much as you could possibly know about him or do you think you already know everything there is to know about him?

3. A while back I shared the results from a temperament test that I took. (I'm an INTJ, BTW). Would you take the test and share yours?

4. Are you still a stay-at-home mother full-time? Do you ever think about going back into the workforce?

What would you like to do when the kids reach school age?

5. Okay, time to get into the sex stuff. Just to let you know ahead of time, because it seems like where sex is concerned, you hate surprises. So take a breath. #5 contains no questions, sexual or otherwise.

6. We'll start easy: how many times a day (on average) do you think about sex? Is there anything in particular (apart from FTN, of course) that might cue your mind up?

7. Supposing FTN says that he'd like to have sex with you the day after tomorrow. Is that enough notice? What goes through your mind next: "Oh goodie!" or "Again, already?"

8. This scheduling business with the two of you seems extraordinarily odd. I mean you are not only scheduling when but also what and how! So how much detail is preplanned: positions, length of session, flavor of body butter, toys to be used? How much of a menu does FTN have from which to choose? Are there things that you make totally off limits?

9. When are you going to give oral sex a shot? I mean a real fair chance, not just a single "I-tried-it-and-it-was-icky" session? I'm talking about both the giving and receiving, here.

12. You promised FTN some sort of romantic thing for Christmas. Have you done it yet?

13. What sort of advice would you give a young woman who was contemplating marriage?

14. Looking back over your marriage, what would you differently if you were starting over again?

15. Last one: What's your favorite Bible verse and why?

Okay, I could probably go on and on forever. I'm am a collector of stories which is why I get as much pleasure from reading blogs as writing them. The Autumn Story is like no other and a body can gain strength and resolve by telling and retelling their own personal stories. Hopefully you didn't blush too much during my interrogation! Thank you so much for sharing!

Mainline, charismatics, fundamentalists and evangelicals: my take

2006-12-07T22:58:00.000-05:00

Okay, now that I've freed up my UA blogger site (my little spiritual journey will continue on Wordpress) I can tend to some other things more in tune with this particular blog.

As I moved through my spiritual life, I went from mainline protestant to charismatic to fundamentalist to evangelical where I spend most of my spiritual time. I notice folks confusing these various labels so I'll go ahead and define what I mean by each.

Mainline denominational churches are the big ones. Methodist, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Episcopalian and who am I missing? These are large denominations with many churches scattered throughout the U.S. and even around the world. They are characterized by having a fairly centralized governing body that runs relatively democratically. People in leadership are picked and elected mostly by the membership. While often characterized as being liberal, the character of each congregation can vary widely. The national voices may have a socially liberal agenda but local churches can be very conservative and some even may have a fundamental or charismatic flavor. Even though the governing structure and polity is radically different than most protestant churches, I'm sort of lumping Catholics into this category as well. What essentially makes a mainline denomination mainline is the level with which it assimilates into the mainstream culture. The vast majority of Americans feel comfortable going to mainline churches as the worship experience is reverent yet fairly relaxed. Each denomination had spiritually radical elements in their day, but those days appear to be past. Much nondenominational church growth today is at the expense of mainline denominations whose congregations age and dwindle, at least in the U.S. Aphron and Submissive Husband are two blogging friends who seem to fit into a mainline description. I do not mean to make such affiliation less in any way, but these two just seem very comfortable where they are.

Let's talk about charismatics for a bit. These probably represent the sharpest departure from the mainline church experience. While charismatics can be found in any denomination, they seem to be mostly found in certain Baptist churches and Pentecostal Churches. The prevailing theology revolves around the Holy Spirit and His manifestations. This is where you will hear people speaking in tongues, see healings and meet people claiming to be prophets. And yes, people having been slain in the spirit and looking like they are having psychotic episodes. Let's just day that these services are never dull! Lots of movement and lots of emotion. There is an appeal of the collective consciousness and the feeling of the Holy Spirit resting on people like tongues of fire. There is a freedom of expression that exists in these services that exists no where else. Worship is not just a passive event that congregants observe. Everyone is a participant. The charismatic experience is a very passionate one.

Our typical (white) U.S. church attendee has difficulty with the emotionality of a charismatic service. However, our black American brothers and sisters flourish in various charismatic-type church communities. No one falls asleep. Can I get an AMEN? These churches are governed more from the top-down and often a single person may hold most of the power within a particular church congregation. Discipline is going to be enforced and congregants are expected to tow the line.

Hmm. I don't know if I have any blogging friends who might be charismatics. I would suppose not, as they would have jumped in here a while back.

Okay, so let's go to the Fundamentalist side of things. You will find fundies in any denomination but more often in Baptist churches and nondenominational churches. Many charismatics are fundamentalist, but the reverse is not often true. Fundamentalists are known for subscribing to the view that the Bible is without error and is to be taken literally. Not always as literally as the larger culture may think, but very radically different from our mainline friends. Fundamentalists maintain fairly strict discipline. Whereas a mainline church will almost never kick a member out and readily accept anyone who wants as a member, fundamentalists are more restrictive in their membership and broader in their expectations. Our Amish friends represent a fairly strict representation of fundamentalism. However there are those who are more contemporary and more culturally and technologically literate. These are the folks most likely to clash with popular culture because they are relatively absolute and black & white in their thinking. Unlike charismatics who are governed by emotion, fundamentalists tend to be more rule-based. This makes them look intolerant and judgmental. These are the folks most likely to have descended from the folks who were ready to stone the adulteress or burn the witches. The Pharisees and puritans were fundamentalists.

I'm really working them over and shedding some harsh light on them. Let me soften it just a bit. Fundies serve an important function within the religious community. They are the most apt to retain those most basic and critical elements of the Christian faith. They are not afraid to talk about sin and consequences and true repentance. They are also not afraid of confrontation. No avoiders, here. They often do say some things that need to be said. My experience within modern fundamentalist congregations is that these folks are sharp and educated. They have Bibles and know how to use them. The Word of God is truly their sword. There are no true fundamentalists who have dull blades. Christian Husband is the best fundamental example among blogger friends I know. He is a sharp one.

But the most Bad-to-the-Bone fundie preacher I ever met was Bother Jed Smock and his wife, Sister Cindy. They traveled college campuses in the 1980's and they knew how to stir things up. If you ever knew him and listened to him, his story is free and worth reading. The man knows how to convict or at least plow up a reaction. He had absolutely no problems calling the young women on campus whores and the guys whore mongers. He had no problems looking a kid straight in the face and telling him he was destined for the LAKE OF FIRRRRE. I'll have to do an entry about him later. Actually you can visit a Wiki on him and learn an interesting thing or two about him. You'll never guess what denomination he belongs to. I surely wouldn't have.

A church service in a fundamentalist church will not look a lot different from say, an evangelical church. But the church service is not the sole focal point. The biggest differentiation I experienced was the...er...differentiation. Accountability is HUGE and so the demands and responsibilities are quite heavy. There are prayer groups, small groups and regular meetings amongst the members. The community was truly a close-knit one and it was rare to socialize outside of the fundamentalist circle. People could be invited in but stepping out socially (like dating someone from the outside) was very much discouraged.

My story is very close to getting into that part of my life, so I’ll save some of this for later. But my feelings are decidedly more mixed here than with any other group.

Finally there are what I identify as evangelicals. They can be found in any denomination and nondenominational churches. There may be elements of fundamentalism with the evangelical movement such as a fairly strict interpretation of scriptures. However, there is a more tolerant attitude towards the culture at large. Whereas a fundamentalist is more concerned with the Truth and Justice, and evangelical will emphasize getting people into the presence of God. The mainline experience is confined mostly to Sunday mornings, with significant amounts of social justice thrown in. My mainline friends are good Lutherans, Catholics and Methodists where evangelicals identify most with being good Christians. They are less closely tied with any particular denomination although I tend to see many of them gravitate towards the Baptist churches or nondenominational churches similarly aligned in theology. I have many internet friends that I recognize as probably being evangelical in orientation but FTN probably embodies as many of these characteristics as anyone else. Plus everyone who reads me knows him because he's much more popular than me. FTN can hold a firm line for himself while not alienating a diverse audience and being exceedingly accessible. The orientation is more enticement more than coercion. I see many of my Christian blogger friends fitting an evangelical description.

But the most Bad-to-the-Bone evangelical I've ever seen was the one and only Billy Graham. He has traveled every continent and around the world with the message of the gospel. He convicts without making a body feel accused. He brings the message of hope by going out into the world. No one has to become a member of his denomination to get saved. I do recognize his fundamentalist nature regarding scripture, and he does use it effectively. He has a gift.

I feel like I need to make some sort of chart or something comparing and contrasting these various flavors of Christianity. There are blends and blurs within these. My division of one type from another is a bit arbitrary and artificial. For instance I identify myself with evangelicals while also identifying with Methodists. However, my Methodism does not run terribly deep. I do like the Wesleyan set up, but the UMC theology is becoming less and less Bible based and more and more culturally subjective. Perhaps a Free Methodist church would be a good choice if one were close by. And I do know of one that is more charismatic that isn't too far away.

I have tried not to be too harsh on any of these four types even though I have definite preferences at the moment. But all played some important roles in my growth as a Christian and each contributed some measure of knowledge and wisdom.

Basic Training

2006-12-06T00:24:00.000-05:00

In January of ‘84, I went to one of Iowa’s big two universities. I think almost every state has the one that everyone knows about and then “the other one.” Iowa State was that other one. But there was never any doubt that this was where I was supposed to be, as it was THE place to go if one was going to be studying agriculture. In learning about cows, sows and plows, ISU is second to none.

At this point in time, I had no campus church and knew very few people there. I lived in the dorms and had a chance to meet other people but starting out in January put me a bit behind, socially speaking. My roommate was from Kuwait and he studies about 20 hours a day so I saw very little of him. I was involved in intramural sports and the Tae Kwon Do club. So there were opportunities.

I’m not quite sure why I didn’t seek out a church during that first year. I suppose I was all excited about having all of that freedom. I remember that first spring semester being challenging and exciting with my grades being fair. In fact, that was pretty much my story academically. I was okay getting C’s and throughout my undergraduate academic career the were classes where I was all too happy to get a ‘D’. Grades just didn’t mean that much to me.

In 1984, the Cold War was in full swing. The Soviet Union was a huge rival, and looked to be our most likely adversary in any future wars. Their influence and domination was right there when I was in Berlin. Ronald Reagan was trying to bring the military back from the 1970’s when drug use was so rampant among soldiers on duty. The morale of the military under President Carter suffered mightily as our country looked weaker and weaker. And so congress put into place a stronger and better GI Bill with higher pay and bigger signing bonuses. In the 1980’s, Rambo had been theaters as well as assorted other Hollywood movies where we went back to win the Vietnam war. Being a soldier was cool, again. Plus it made some economic sense.

In January, I joined the Army Reserves. The money looked good plus they would pay on my student loans. Plus it provided another career option if I wanted. We met one weekend per month plus a couple extra weeks of training, usually in the summer. In 1984, the reserves were still in pretty bad shape, while the active duty soldiers were getting whipped back into shape. Having a few months of going to drills before actually going to basic training gave me some advantages. One of which was learning how to take apart and clean an M16 before anyone else. Also, not having been to basic afforded me some cover that time I inadvertently discharged one on the drill floor and scared the hell out of everyone.

That summer, I shipped out to Fort Leonardwood, Missouri. Ft. Leonardwood was the most God-awful place on earth, or seemed like it to me. Nothing but trees and rocks. And drill sergeants.

Basic training is the one experience that binds every single soldier together. Those of you who have been through it know exactly what I’m talking about. Years later, you will still remember your drill instructor’s name, and what he looked and sounded like when he was right in your face yelling at the top of his lungs. You’ll remember the gas chamber, the grenade range, the rifle range, low crawling, running, marching, PT and the mess hall and KP. And the hours with your weapon. Heaven help you if you lost your weapon!

It was stressful and it was meant to be. There is nothing NOT stressful about being trained to kill other people while avoiding being killed. And most recruits are 17-21. Some of them shaved for the very first time in basic. For many, it was their very first time away from home. My bunkmate, Blackwell, was actually from Missouri and this was his first time away from parents. He had doubts about whether he was going to make it, at times. We all did.

That summer, the U.S. was hosting the summer Olympics in LA. Of course, in response to Carter’s boycott of their games in 1980, the Soviets and their East European allies boycotted these games. Whatever medals would be won would be a bit less because of that. Not that any of us in basic training knew or cared because we got no news from outside. None. No radio, no TV no newspapers. We had 10 weeks of total control. We could see the USA Today headlines at the mess hall and that was about it.

A lot of guys did get closer to Jesus during that time. It was kind of hard not to. We supported each other and looked to prayer for support as well as the letters from home. Prison Pete often writes about how much letters mean to him and I identify with that. In basic training, that’s all we had as far as outside news.

Almost everyone went to chapel except the die-hard atheist. And even some of those went after staying back in the barracks for a week. Chapel was the one place where the DIs were not allowed to yell and scream at you. The pastors basically told us that we could write or read letters during the service and it was okay. It was meant to be a sanctuary and it truly was. Almost every guy picked up a Gideon’s Bible that first Sunday and most of us carried it with us. Other than letters, it was about all we had to read!

Basic training was also about being tired all the time. We were up before the sun and many times were not bedded down until after it set plus we had to do guard duty during the night. We were always on the move, in the dirt or mud, always marching or doing double time. The DIs kept us on edge all the time, and this was also draining. It was a near constant state of vigilance, making sure everything was always squared away with the boots, uniform and equipment plus watching to make sure everyone else was squared away. It was not uncommon for one guy in the platoon to cost the rest of us extra push ups, grass drills or duties because he fucked up.

Oh yes. In the military, the language was NOT PC at all. If your ears burn from the sound of the word “fuck” than the military is not for you. Again, chapel was relatively free of it. but as soon as we marched out of the parking lot, it was back the the f-bomb.

Basic Training was generally a good experience for me. I learned a lot. Mostly I learned that I could do and take a lot more than I ever dreamed I could. I made it, and not everyone can say that. I entered a maggot and left a soldier. I still have a lot of the soldier pride in me from those days 22 years ago, long after I’ve outgrown all of my old uniforms. I learned about discipline, honor, strength, teamwork, leadership and basically sticking with something even if it is difficult. I would serve in the reserves for 6 years, which was the longest I would be affiliated with any group or commitment until my marriage. There would be challenges and difficulties beyond basic training within the Army, but the character building that took place that summer would serve me well into the future.

I could say so much more, but I think you get the gist. While money was a huge consideration for enlisting, I came out with a lot more. But still, as a summer job it wasn’t a bad deal. All food, clothing and expenses paid, plus I got paid for it.

While basic training was through, and I went home, I would still have to go back to Ft. Leonardwood for more training. Unless I did something else. Which I did.

Index to this Series (so far)

2006-12-03T20:30:00.000-05:00

1. Church and spirituality Pt. 1

2. Church and Spirituality Pt. 2: Presbyterianism

3. Church and Spirutuality: A bit more from the Presbyterians

4. Travels into a Wilderness

5. The Journey Continues: Suzy

6. Rome

7. The Dream

8. Back to Germany

9. The Holy Spirit Moves

10. Finally

11. NYC

12. Home

You can also see entries from the Wordpress Version of this blog.

Home

2006-12-03T20:28:00.000-05:00

Home. I had not seen it in 6 months and all through the holidays of 1982-83. It was a couple weeks shy of Easter, and while it was still considered winter, it was beginning to warm just a bit as the sun shone longer.

The bus I boarded in NYC was the New York-Los Angeles Express. And I did see a woman and her 2 children who were, indeed, going to LA from NYC via Greyhound. I had made the 30+ hour bus ride to D.C. with Keith but was now returning alone.

Not quite alone. The Holy Spirit still rested strongly upon me. I was glad to be going back home, but I was also nervous. Things had changed. There were changes that had happened in the country while I was gone. Music had changed, as the techno 80’s took a firm hold. The economy was generally improving but farmers still struggled. I had changed.

My Dad picked me up at the nearest bus station and I could tell he wasn’t sure what to make of his long haired son. We talked a bit about the trip and the struggles involved in actually getting out of NYC. My parents had suffered considerable anxiety about the whole deal and were just glad I had made it home safely. The next day, Mom gave me a haircut, so there are no pictures that I know of from those days of me with hippie hair.

The hardest part of adjusting was that while some things in the world had changed, many things had not. And spiritually this was definitely true. My family were Christian, but were not radical about it. I was radical. I began getting on them about some of their bad habits and things they did and said. Whoever said living with a saint is harder than being one was probably thinking of me in early 1983. I was insufferable. I was also someone with nothing to do. I had no job and no school to go to.

Now that I think of it, I’m not sure what I did. I did know that I was withering off the vine, spiritually speaking. The Presbyterian church I grew up in was entirely too sleepy for me. It goes without saying that no one else was speaking in tongues.

Micky and Mary admonished me that I needed to find a charismatic church when I got back. I didn’t know of any. In fact, it was hard getting into any real active Christian community. Before going to Germany, I was a bit of a partier and a hell raiser. I was a known quantity and fit in with those of similar mind. But now I fit no where. My old friends wanted to go out and get wasted, expecting me to be the same as when I left.

The Christian community wanted nothing to do with me and were suspicious of me. And rightfully so.

I was trying to fit in these two worlds and struggled mightily. After all the excitement and engagement of the past 6 months, I felt like I was languishing in a new desert.

I knew of one fellow in my hometown who had the reputation of being a strong Christian. I decided to look him up. He must have been in his 40’s, a prominent businessman from a respected family and totally single. But he always made time for young people in town. He had all sorts of computer games and video games and back then even had a modem and was plugged to what would eventually become known as the internet. For a guy running a feed store, Robert was surprisingly geeky.

He finally invited me to a meeting of the Full Gospel Businessmen’s Fellowship International. These meetings had many of the region’s high rollers but it was a Christian group. It was also a Charismatic group. And so it was that I went for several months to these meetings and obtained what amounted to a small fix of the Holy Spirit. However, I began to question the whole business of speaking in tongues. I was writing to my old pastor, Roger, who advised me to read the whole of Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians in one sitting. And sure enough, Paul was making a clear case that tongues was not the be all and end all of being a Christian. Over time I would speak less and less. I can not tell you when I quit speaking in tongues, but I eventually did. Paul admonishes us to put childish things behind us and to seek the higher gifts. Tongues served an important function for me at a pivotal time in my life. I will not speak against it accept when pressure is put on a person that everyone should do it.

That fall, I would begin college. At first I commuted to a nearby private college and then transferred to Iowa State in January ‘84. There I would eventually join the fundamentalist movement when it was in its prime.

Oh, I also did something else in January ‘84; I joined the Army Reserves. I no longer had to worry about what I was going to be doing during my summers!

Home

2006-12-01T00:45:00.000-05:00

Free,

Only want to be free

We huddle close

Hang on to a dream



On the boats and on the planes

They're coming to America

Never looking back again,

They're coming to America



Home

Don't it seem so far away

Oh, we're traveling light today

In the eye of the storm

In the eye of the storm



Home

To a new and a shiny place

Make our bed and we'll say our grace

Freedom's light burning warm

Freedom's light burning warm



Everywhere around the world

They're coming to America

Ev'ry time that flag's unfurled

They're coming to America

Neil Diamond - America 1980

I always liked the Jazz Singer Soundtrack.  I happened to have it on 8-track.  If you don't know what that is,
you are just a baby!




Home.  I had not seen it in 6 months and all through the holidays of 1982-83.  It was a couple weeks shy of Easter, and while it was still considered winter, it was beginning to warm just a bit as the sun shone longer.

Not quite alone. The Holy Spirit still rested strongly upon me. I was glad to be going back home, but I was also nervous. Things had changed. There were changes that had happened in the country while I was gone. Music had changed, as the techno 80's took a firm hold. The economy was generally improving but farmers still struggled. I had changed.

My Dad picked me up at the nearest bus station and I could tell he wasn't sure what to make of his long haired son. We talked a bit about the trip and the struggles involved in actually getting out of NYC. My parents had suffered considerable anxiety about the whole deal and were just glad I had made it home safely. The next day, Mom gave me a haircut, so there are no pictures that I know of from those days of me with hippie hair.

Now that I think of it, I'm not sure what I did. I did know that I was withering off the vine, spiritually speaking. The Presbyterian church I grew up in was entirely too sleepy for me. It goes without saying that no one else was speaking in tongues.

Micky and Mary admonished me that I needed to find a charismatic church when I got back. I didn't know of any. In fact, it was hard getting into any real active Christian community. Before going to Germany, I was a bit of a partier and a hell raiser. I was a known quantity and fit in with those of similar mind. But now I fit no where. My old friends wanted to go out and get wasted, expecting me to be the same as when I left.

The Christian community wanted nothing to do with me and were suspicious of me. And rightfully so.

I was trying to fit in these two worlds and struggled mightily. After all the excitement and engagement of the past 6 months, I felt like I was languishing in a new desert.

I knew of one fellow in my hometown who had the reputation of being a strong Christian. I decided to look him up. He must have been in his 40's, a prominent businessman from a respected family and totally single. But he always made time for young people in town. He had all sorts of computer games and video games and back then even had a modem and was plugged to what would eventually become known as the internet. For a guy running a feed store, Robert was surprisingly geeky.

He finally invited me to a meeting of the Full Gospel Businessmen's International. These meetings had many of the regions high rollers but it was a Christian group. It was also a Charismatic group. And so it was that I went for several months to these meetings and obtained what amounted to a small fix of the Holy Spirit. However, I began to question the whole business of speaking in tongues. I was writing to my old pastor, Roger, who advised me to read the whole of Paul's first letter to the Corinthians in one sitting. And sure enough, Paul was making a clear case that tongues was not the be all and end all of being a Christian. Over time I would speak less and less. I can not tell you when I quit speaking in tongues, but I eventually did. Paul admonishes us to put childish things behind us and to seek the higher gifts. Tongues served an important function for me at a pivotal time in my life. I will not speak against it accept when pressure is put on a person that everyone should do it.

That fall, I would begin college. At first I commuted to a nearby private college and then transferred to Iowa State in January '84. There I would eventually join the fundamentalist movement when it was in its prime.

Oh, I also did something else in January '84; I joined the Army Reserves. I no longer had to worry about what I was going to be doing during my summers!

NYC

2006-11-27T20:20:00.000-05:00

I said goodbye to Micky and Mary and boarded the train for one last ride. The next stop was Luxemburg and taking Iceland Air back to JFK. I met up with a couple of other FFAers who were also returning at the same time. We had all changed in those 6 months. We had grown in many ways. I had no idea how to tell these guys about the last 3 weeks except that I had found God. They didn't seem to judge or anything but it was a bit awkward. We still had a lot to talk about, catching up to each other. Suzy and I were actually supposed to meet one of these guys in Italy but he was unavoidably detained and we never did make it.

One of the guys had a connection from JFK while the other had a connection from LaGuardia, so I stuck with him and spent my first night back in America sleeping in the airport. I saw my friend off, and then decided to see about getting myself home, back to Iowa.

I had about $3 and a cashier's check for $100. At that time, a Greyhound bus ticket was $99 to go anywhere in the U.S. So things were going to be cut very close even if things went perfectly.

They did not go perfectly. I went back into the center of New York and began looking for a bank to cash my check. I had my passport, which I thought was the most secure form of I.D. a body could have and a Cahier's check issued from my bank in Iowa. But business is done differently in New York.

My appearance did not help matters. I looked a lot like a homeless person with hair down to my shoulders, hadn't had a bath or shower in a few days and carrying all my bags around. So I walk into the Chase Manhattan Bank with my check.

"Do you have an account here?" the teller asks politely if not a bit curtly.

"No."

"I'm sorry, but we can't help you."

And so it was with Citibank and several other banks in downtown New York. No one would touch my check. I went to the bus station and put my bags in a locker and then tried a bank across the street. Still no luck. No bank in this town knew my hometown bank and neither would you. I was in a bad state, in more ways than one.

This is the New York pre-Rudy Giuliani, where it was dirty, seedy, crime-ridden, mean and rough. I called my mom from the bus station and explained my plight. She asked which bus station. I wasn't sure, so I asked a guy and he said "Poit Atoitay!"

"Eh? Um...what street is this on?"

"Foity-foit treet!"

I had heard many languages and dialects in my travels and this New York accent baffled me. I had to actually go outside to discover I was at the Port Authority bus station on 44th street. My folks said they would try to wire some money to the bank across the street. Thing is, it was a little after 3:00 EST, and the banks were closing. Again, no extended hours here.

I was in a state of near-constant prayer by this time. I had no issues with sleeping outdoors if I had to, as I had faith that God was looking after me. And He was.

As I was wandering around Times Square, I heard the sound of someone preaching. On the corner, there were some folks preaching over a loud speaker. I stood listening for a bit and then struck up a conversation with one of the fellows from their church. After a bit, I asked if I could preach a bit.

"Yeah, you sound okay. Sure! Give it a go!"

So it was that I had the experience of preaching on Times Square. In contrast to those sermons preached before me that were dominated by threats of Hellfire, brimstone and the gnashing of teeth, mine was a message of hope and love. NYC is a magnificent city teeming with people and energy. But it is also a city teeming with evil. Truly I had never seen anything like it anywhere in the world. But I sensed more of God's sorrow and sadness as opposed to His anger. Were the people there truly happy in their sins? Not just the thugs on the street, but the thugs in the high rise offices as well.

I finished up with a call for making some kind of decision as to where they wanted to be in this life as well as the next. Life could be better today, not just after you die.

Several folks congratulated me after my spiel, and then I approached one of the folks about finding a place to stay for the night. He knew of two places. One was a mission mostly for the homeless. Another was a group called "The Lambs" and he encouraged me to look them up. So I did.

"The Lambs" were a small group of missionaries not unlike the group I had known in Germany. Instead of being housed in a church, they were actually in the basement of one of the fancy theaters off Broadway. Broadway, at that time, was mostly dominated by X-rated theaters which was a bit shocking to me having heard all the stories of people going to make it big on Broadway. I guess there's more than one way to make it big on Broadway!

There were actually some missionaries there from Dubuque which is not terribly far from my hometown, although they had not heard of my town. One of these folks named Dave, tried to help me cash my check at one of those check cashing places. But even they wanted nothing to do with my Iowa check. I said I just needed a place to stay and then the next morning I would try to get the money my parents had wired once the bank opened. So I ended up spending the night in a comfortable, clean bed with my own room and bathroom in a Broadway theater.

The next morning, The Lambs let me keep my bags there while I went back to the Bank across the street from the bus station. I walked in and had the cashier give me a third degree asking me if I had an account there. No I did not. I said I should have had some money wired from my bank in Iowa. They knew nothing about it.

So, I was back on the phone with my mom. She had me call back in a half hour. In that time she called our banker. So she gave me the name and number of our bank president and wanted me to have this banker in NYC give him a call.

So back to the bank I went. I appealed to the bank manager to call my bank.

"Why should I help you? I don't know you!"

He was right. I had no leg to stand on. But I just simply begged him to make the call. So he picked up the phone and did. I could see his face begin to relax as they exchanged whatever secret banker-speak codes they have betwixt each other. So he agreed to cash my cashiers check and wrote down my passport number. And then I got my bus ticket. $99 one way. So I had about $3 with which I bought a loaf of bread; food for the next couple of days. I got my bags, said good bye to Dave who gave me another $6 for food. I thanked him, and got on my bus for home.

Finally

2006-11-24T21:02:00.000-05:00

The next morning, I woke up and Mike wanted to do something, but I told him I had other plans and I did. Sort of.

I called the number of a fellow named Terry who was originally from Tennessee. You haven't heard German until you've heard it with a southern accent! He invited me to his house for dinner and gave directions for the various bus/tram directions. Terry was a leader in the church that Micky and Mary were a part of. This church was basically being formed from a multinational team of folks. The U.S. had several people there, but so did Germany, the UK, and even some Scandinavians.

After hearing my story, Terry agreed that I was supposed to be with Micky and Mary. So he called them on the telephone and all agreed I should stay with them ASAP. So he drove me to the hostel where I got my stuff and then took me to Micky and Mary's apartment.

Micky and Mary were originally from Idaho and were in their very early 20's. They had met in college and both had been music majors. Micky played the cello and Mary played the violin. I can't remember how they had made their way to Germany, but there they were. They were attempting to earn their way by teaching American English to business people. They also worked as musicians for the small church that was in the process of being founded.

They were very happy to see me and greeted me warmly. They lived in a very small efficiency apartment, where the only real private spot happened to be the bathroom.

So I had found them. Now what?

None of knew for sure. As it turned out, it was sort of like an evangelical boot camp. I spent large amounts of time reading the Bible alone or having discussions with Micky and Mary. We spent a lot of time in prayer and scripture. We also made daily trips to the fussgangerzone to preach. I had arrived during a time when they were having a revival of sorts and a fellow from the states who was preaching every night.

So I recieved a large amount of Biblical instruction and learned a lot of the foundations of Christianity that had eluded me before.

This group was as charismatic as the church I had first experienced across the river with Charlotte. So I had many discussions with Micky and Mary about the Holy Spirit, and especially about the gift of tongues. Tongues is probably the most visible source of contention between charismatics and other evangelical Christians. Where other Christians gloss over or ignore the Holy Spirit, the charismatics are all about the Spirit and His gifts. Tongues is mentioned in several places in the New Testament. It is alluded to in Acts more than once and again in Ephesians. However the most definitive treatment of tongues is given in 1st Corinthians chapters 12-14. Stringing these references together, they believed that all Christians can and should speak in tongues. They called this "Receiving the Baptism of the Holy Spirit" which was different than the baptism by water.

I'm not going into the theological points of it. But I will say that I did get the gift of tongues during that time. However it was never anything I was comfortable doing in public. Ever. I no longer speak in tongues but maybe I should. I've gotten a lot of higher gifts since then. I don't believe everyone should have it or can have it. Paul spoke and wrote extensively on this, but tongues was just not something we see a lot of in other Biblical writings. I'm not going to affirm or deny it. I know the Holy Spirit moves where He will and if He rests on someone and they begin speaking in a divine language, so be it.

Charismatics also value other Spiritual gifts such as healing and prophesy and I had a chance to see this preacher that was there at the revival do both. Nothing terribly wild for the healing, but he spoke with some authority in the prophesy department. He did give me a prophesy that has yet to come true. My take from this vantage point was that this guy who was a good preacher was not a very good prophet. Not everybody is going to have every gift. And the gift of prophesy is frequently seen as just another form of divination. It's simply speaking the truth, which includes the future sometimes. But there are always conditions and consequences associated with the truth and most of the time people do not want to hear about these.

So for about 21/2 weeks, I lived, prayed, studied, worshipped ate and slept with this young couple. I met many other very devout and strong Christians during this time, but I was with Micky and Mary pretty much all the time. We got along fabulously, except that my constant presence caused some tension for these young newlyweds. They were very affectionate and were always touching and holding and kissing each other. They did take some very, very long showers together. Finally, Micky gave me "the talk." He was actually pretty nice but explained that my constant, constant, constant presence was sort of interfering with his and Mary's alone time, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Oh.

So I arranged to spend a few hours out and about every day, unsupervised. I basically told them I would be gone for at least 3 hours and that seemed to cut a lot of the tension.

One other notable activity I participated in was a 2 day fast. We did our normal routine/schedule except we didn't eat. I think Micky and Mary made it a day, but I held on for the entire 2 days. It was an interesting experience, as most folks who fast only do it for 1 day. Two days was definitely stretching the limits but I can say that I did it.

So during my time with Micky and Mary I got a crash course in all of the spiritual disciplines. And I witnessed the fruits of it; times where the Spirit moved in and met our needs at some very key moments in spectacular fashion.

It finally became time for me to leave and begin my journey back to America and home. I had learned a lot in this protected environment. Now I would be challenged to carry it forth to a new environment. I was about to be severely tested.

The Holy Spirit Moves

2006-11-19T09:04:00.000-05:00

I walked in carefully but without hesitation. I do not know how to describe my spirit at the time, other than troubled. I felt God had sent me off on this journey and I was beyond anxious having spent several days cooling my heels at the youth hostel. Now I was close. So close.

The memory here gets a bit fuzzy, but I'll try the best I can.

I remember walking and folks were sitting on the floor, around a fellow with a guitar and singing and clapping. This was my first look at a contemporary service but it would not be the last first look of the evening. I was in for another jolt later on. But first, I delivered one of my own.

The group got quiet, and I looked over and saw Elizabeth who looked very happy to see me. She said something to someone beside her and that was how I met Charlotte. Charlotte was another American and she came over, sat beside me and then...well I'm not sure exactly how it came to be but somehow she convinced me to give my testimony before the entire group.

For you non-evangelicals, I'll tell you that you are getting my testimony right now. This is it. This is my story about how I have interfaced with God and how He came into my life. The folks that night got the story of meeting Micky and Mary, and about the dream and the baby and coming back to Germany and my search, and Elizabeth and how I came to their church. Maybe a bit more. But they all listened intently. People close to me put their hands on me, and a few others held their hands up. The Holy Spirit was on the move and these folks were keen to catch Him. That was the first group I gave my testimony to (it was the first time I had a testimony to give!) but there would be others. And without exception, when I tell the story it has an affect on everyone around me. It has power to it.

This also explains my reluctance to tell it.

Let me break from my story for just a moment to explain a couple of things. First off, regarding the Holy Spirit. Most Christians are Trinitarian by virtue of being baptized in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Of these 3, the Holy Spirit is the least understood of all because...well He's a Spirit! Yes, I refer to the Holy Spirit and a "He." It seems awkward at first, because we think of the spirit as an "it" like your underwear. It is there, but hidden only to be revealed when taken off the rest of the body. He has a distinct character and personality and yet is part of the One God. In the grand scheme of things, the Holy Spirit is the most relevant and active part of the Christian's daily life and yet does the things He does with very little acknowledgement or fanfare. But make no mistake; the Spirit is very involved.

When the Spirit does decide to rev up and get intimately involved to the point where the hair is standing up on the back of your neck, it really does test and defy the 5 senses.

Secondly, most Christians do not know the Spirit because their encounters with the triune God occur at an arms length. We sort of know God and think about His rules and we know about Jesus and His miracles, and even the cross and resurrection. These are basic elements of Christianity and our story. The Holy Spirit is under "Advanced Topics" and not many people get exposed to those topics very much. So there is a lot of mystery surrounding the Holy Spirit.

Into this vacuum of knowledge comes a group of Christians commonly known as Charismatics. As I go along you'll get to know more about them but I thought it only fair to give you some warning. More warning than I got.

In the basement of that church, I had just given my testimony for the first time to this group of young Christians. After this "young people's meeting" people went upstairs for a church service. I went with Charlotte who sat beside me and interpreted for during the service. My German was good, in a conversational/agricultural sense. However I had absolutely no Christian vocabulary. Back when Mary had asked me "Bist du ein Krist?" it had taken several moments to put together what she was asking based on the subject her husband was preaching. I would have been totally lost without Charlotte.

Then, during the middle of the service, a person stood up and uttered...something. I had been throughout Europe and had heard many different languages and dialects, But I had never heard anything like this. Charlotte went on to explain that the man had said something, had been speaking in tongues. The minister then prayed for an interpreter and someone else stood up and said something clearly in German which was supposed to be the interpretation, which Charlotte interpreted for me. I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was a fairly generic prayer of praise.

In any case I was a bit freaked out. This concept of the Holy spirit moving about, resting on people, moving people to do things, making them speak in some crazy language...this was totally new to me as a generic protestant. Charlotte tried to explain things as best she could. I was deeply troubled at this point and confused. My heart was not in the peaceful place it was on the train ride up. Charlotte prayed with me, praying for some degree of peace and understanding.

Micky and Mary were not part of this church, but were part of another fellowship that was newer and less established. Charlotte knew of them, but did not know exactly how to reach them. She introduced me to her husband who gave me the telephone number of yet another American who was associated with this fellowship. Then he and Charlotte gave me a ride back to the Youth Hostel as it was fairly late at night. I said goodbye and went inside to settled into bed. I was tired but my sleep was fitful. I was close. Very close. But not there, yet. How much longer?

Back to Germany

2006-11-15T22:06:00.000-05:00

If you will recall, Germany was about the last place I wanted to go when I left the week before. I was happy to see the back of it. But here I was, on a northbound train going right back there. Back to the cold and snow, and away from orange groves.

But my heart was not heavy at all. Oh no, I was very much driven and guided. God had me. I was in a state of unceasing prayer the entire time I was riding back. Jesus was with me and that was all the company I needed. At no time was God's hedge closer than during that journey back to Cologne. I wouldn't realize that until He lessened it a bit.

You see, Satan (No relation to the blogger) was also hot after me. This is why things don't become magically easier for Christians once they become Christians. Up until that point, I was a benign lump in the spiritual landscape. Satan had no stake in me. Now, with new found zeal for God, I had an enemy.

How do you find people in a foreign place when they are only known by their first names? I had met Micky and Mary exactly once, and this was over a week ago on the street. I had gone someone's house but could not remember where it was except I knew it was not their house. I knew God had guided me back to this place and I had to have faith that this would somehow work out. But it was going to be difficult.

First off, I did not have much money. What I had was all there was and it could not have been more than $200. I also had my return plane ticket and a $100 cashier's check to pay for my bus ticket home. Next to my passport, these were my most valuable possessions. My Eurorail pass was still good, but since I was staying in Germany and Cologne in particular, it had less value.

I walked the fussgangerzone after my arrival but there were no signs of anyone preaching on the streets. I checked into a youth hostel and thought about my next move. There really was not a lot I could do. I had to wait. When asking God for something, a body generally gets one of three answers: Yes, no or wait. Wait is the hardest of the three and that is where I was. The problem with waiting is that is tests a person's resolve and Satan uses the opportunity to work mischief.

And so it was, here. I met a guy from Canada named Mike. Mike must have been about 23 or so and he checked in about the same time I did. The youth hostel, like most hostels I had been to from Washington D.C. to Bonn to Zurich were populated by a variety of people from every country around the world. They generally cost $5-$10 per day and may serve one meal per day. Everyone there is generally under the age of 25 although there might be older people around occasionally.

Mike was interested in having a good time and meeting women. This was clearly not on my agenda, but he was someone to hang out with and did make life interesting. Yes we did go to a brauhause or two and had a beer or two, but nothing to excess. I was mostly a spectator to his attempts at sweet talking girls. At first he had very little luck but over a period of days he did manage to find some 15 year-old girls that were somewhat interested in him. He also had no problems going to the train station and begging money from people. He managed to get enough to scrape by and even found one girl who invited him to her house. Mike was the sort of guy I would have hung with in a prior life, but not now. I had business in Cologne and Mike was a distraction from that business.

Everyday, I would go to the fussgangerzone. At first it was just once a day, but over a 3 day period I increased the time I spent there until I was there or somewhere else on the streets all day long. I knew no one, didn't know where else to go so I pretty much prayed nonstop. Days passed and my money was disappearing. I became anxious and then frantic.

Finally, one day I caught a break. I was on the fussgangerzone on a sunny but cold late February day and saw a group that were singing and preaching. I recognized no one. However, there was a girl there who recognized me. Elizabeth was a very slight waif of a mädchen who could not have been more than 18. But she came up and said "Guten tag!" We spoke briefly and she related how she remembered me from the last time I was in town, even though I didn't remember her. I asked about Micky and Mary and she said she did not know where they were but gave me a tract with the name and address of her church where someone might know. I thanked her and was off. Where, I can't even remember. Mike might have been around and gotten impatient, I can't remember.

What I do remember was that I desperately wanted to fulfill this mission. I walked the bridge over the Rhine River to a side of the city I had never been before. Fortunately, maps abound in Europe which makes getting around and finding things much easier. Every town, big or small, has some sort of map near the bus, train or subway station. And so it was that I worked my way to the Kristliche Gemeinde church. The closer I got, the more impatient I became. I could feel myself getting closer and closer to my goal. I could feel my heart racing along with my thoughts. I was becoming more anxious and more frantic. I had to find this place.

At one point, I knew I was close and I asked a couple of gentleman who were standing at the corner for directions. They said I could go 3 blocks up then go left. I began walking and before I got to the second block, I had lost count. I kid you not. I was simply not able to think rationally. I went back to my starting place, where the gentlemen were no longer there, and tried again, willing myself to concentrate.

The man who gave the directions said that there would be two churches there right next to each other. One was the Kristliche Gemeinde and the other was a Catholic church. The man did not know which was which or maybe I simply couldn't remember. But I picked the less opulent one and it turned out to be the right one. I approached a side door and heard a guitar and heard singing. I had found my people.

Well, not quite yet.

The Dream

2006-11-12T14:08:00.000-05:00

Rome is a truly ancient place. While it is not the birthplace of Christianity, it certainly has all the marks of being a Holy city. The apostle Paul would visit there, be placed under arrest and eventually killed there. Peter would follow and tradition says he was crucified upside down. When Jesus was crucified, it was the projection of power from this city and Roman soldiers who would carry out His death sentence. It would eventually become the capital of the Christian world.

I know more of its history now than I did then, but its ancient character was impossible to avoid. However the other side of the city was one full of swindlers, hoodlums, prostitutes and beggars. Italy had the poorest economy of all European countries which is why the Lira was worth virtually nothing. I cashed in $10 for tens of thousands of Lira!

After touring the major sites, we returned to the pension and went to bed exhausted. Still, we were looking forward to more adventures the next day. But God had plans. As I drifted off to sleep, I began to dream. I don't usually remember my dreams, but this is one that I will never forget. Everything I've written so far is to get you to this event and this moment in time. My life would be forever altered on this night in Rome with this dream.

-------------------

Now we are inside my dream, which is a place where strange and weird things happen. This one starts out lying on a couch with me watching TV. I see an advertisement for a trip to the Holy Land around Easter time. The ad shows highlights, like visiting the place where Jesus was crucified, visiting his tomb and the Via Dela Rosa. There would be some big wig religious people there, with the Pope being the major one. So, I decided to enter a sort of lottery for laypeople who were not religious big wigs.

Now the dream goes forward in time: I won! It is now Easter morning and the light is peeking from around the hills as we hike through terrain and ruins much like I did in Rome that day in real life. The destination was to be Christ's Tomb. Not knowing anything about the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, my imagination placed Christ’s tomb well outside the city limits of Jerusalem in the country and involved a fairly strenuous hike to the hill top. Once there, the Pope would perform some sort of ceremony, commemorating the last resting place of Christ.

As we neared the tomb, the Pope's entourage was visibly shaken. Something was wrong. It was different. HE was there. Jesus Christ was there at the entrance to his tomb flanked by 3 or 4 of his disciples/apostles. Paul, Peter, James and John. Don't ask me how I knew; I just knew who they all were. The Apostles had angry looks on there faces. They were glaring right at me.

The entire party of travelers fell to the ground and prostrated themselves in the presence of God's risen Son. I fell to my knees.

Jesus was also looking right at me. But His expression was very difference. While surrounded in radiant light, His expression was one of infinite sorrow. I have never seen a face that looked more heart broken in my entire life. Jesus was saddened beyond words. No wonder the apostles were so angry at me, because it was obvious that I was the source of the Lord's grief. He looked more through me than at me. He asked me, "Why? Why? Why do you do this to me? Why do you KEEP doing this to me?"

I was on my knees and couldn't stand in the face of such a sorrowful rebuke if I had wanted to. I looked up, and there, towering above me, was a man dressed in white. It looked like the Pope. Directly above my head, he held a knife, gripped with both hands. He was looking at Jesus and said, "Tell me, Lord. Tell me, and I'll do it. Just give me the word and I will kill him."

"Him" being ME. Now I was terribly frightened fairly out of my dreamer's wits. Jesus never looked at the man or acknowledged him. He kept looking through me, piercing into me with the incredible sadness of his eyes and asking, "Why? Why? Why do you keep doing this to me?"

Finally, I was able to say something. "Okay, okay, okay, okayokayokay!" Tell me, Lord! Tell me what I must do! Just tell me what I need to do and I'll do it!"

Jesus' expression became less sorrowful but still his gaze pierced into the marrow of my soul when he answered.

"You know what you need to do."

It was at that moment, that I woke up to the sound of a baby crying. Remember the baby from earlier who was sick? I have no idea what was going on in that room next door, but my thoughts were wild as I was in a terrible fright.

"What does this mean? Is this a message from God?"

At about that time, the baby stopped crying and I began rationalizing; "No! This is just a dream. A silly dream! I will simply go back to sleep."

But then the baby started crying again. So, since I could not sleep, I pondered further. "Hmmm. Perhaps God IS trying to tell me something. I wonder what."

The baby stopped crying and I thought' "'Tis just a dream, I'm going back to sleep."

The baby started crying again.

Hmmm.

It's a message from God.

Baby stopped crying.

Just a stupid dream.

Baby cries.

I went back and forth an embarrassing number of times like this, just to be sure. Once assured that God was not kidding around, I pondered; "What should I do then?"

At this point the baby is crying his poor little lungs out. Today I imagine a mother desperately trying to comfort her young infant. But back then, I knew nothing of babies and infants. I was simply trying to use this virtual Gideon's fleeece to parse God's Will at the time.

Then it hit me: I need to go back to Cologne and find Micky and Mary. And I need to go TODAY!

The baby stopped crying.

I actually went back and forth on this a rather embarrassing number of times and every time I considered going back to Germany, the baby stopped crying. Each attempt at rejecting the idea resulted in a crying baby.

At some point, the poor child was on a crying jag that would not cease, no matter what I thought, so the rest was up to God. He had pointed the way. However, He was not finished working this little miracle. Oh no. The was one more act to follow and it was the most spectacular of all. God would wipe away any doubt and slam the lid tight on idea I had of escaping His will.

Because, you see, I wasn't alone.

What about Suzy? She is going to think that I am absolutely out of my mind!

I stared at Suzy's sleeping form in the other bed and watched her gradually wake, sit up and give a final big yawn and a big stretch. She looked over at me, who was wide awake, and smiled. "Good morning!"

"Good morning." I was less than cheerful at the impending task I had ahead of me.

She then said, "I'm going down to the produce market for some fresh fruit. Wanna come?" I declined and she threw on some clothes and said she'd be right back. She bounded out cheerfully as I brooded in bed and in silence.

She returned and gave me some very big and very fresh oranges. I was dressed at this time but still melancholy and brooding. Suzy then chirped, "You know, I was thinking that maybe today we could visit the Vatican!"

Oh boy.

I had no idea how to say this to her. We had not talked much about religion at all. I think she may even have been Catholic. But we never discussed it and had not brought up those folks I met in Germany since leaving there over a week before.

"I don't know how to say this, Suzy..." I stammered watching her cheerfulness disappear. "I have to go. I have to leave. I need to go back to Germany."

What Suzy said next...geez...

"You're going back to see those people you met the day we left Germany, aren't you?"

How could she know?

"Yes."

Suzy never asked anything more. She never pressed me for any answers or said anything. Somehow, she could either feel it in her heart, or see it in my eyes. I have no idea except God's hand was on the tiller that was guiding me on my course.

I packed up and she walked with me to the train station. She gave me a great big hug and told me to be careful as I stepped on the platform. There was no unhappiness or sorrow. Out paths had simply diverged. That was the last time I would ever see Suzy.

Years later, I did send her a letter. She wrote back and she was happily married with two small children living the American dream in Utah. We didn't really keep in touch after that as I was forever on the move. But I'm getting way ahead of myself.

Rome

2006-11-10T23:35:00.000-05:00

Suzy and I were playing a lot of our travels by ear. The trip to Tom and Tonya's was about the only real solid plan we had. We then thought about Italy and then possibly Spain and perhaps even a jaunt to Morocco just to see a piece of the African continent. But Rome was always an intended destination. We boarded an overnight train from Bern to Rome. The Swiss air was frigid as we boarded our train.

We had a compartment where the seat slid together to form a makeshift bed. So, again, we did sort of sleep together although it wasn't very comfortable. We were sort of each in our own space and it was cold and noisy. Again, I was in this weird awareness of Suzy being there, and that femininity was having some affect on me. We had been traveling together for about a week, and I did feel a strong connection to her. I felt an attraction and felt protective towards her. There was an easiness and casualness about her that I wasn't smart enough to fully appreciate at the time. In that span of time, I can not think of Suzy annoying me one single time despite going through various trials and tribulations of the sort that split other couples up. Again, I was too inexperienced to understand the value of that.

When we left Bern, it was cold and there was snow every where. When we woke up, we were in Italy and things were green! We went through the Italian countryside and passed several orange groves. It was a magnificent change.

We rolled into the Rome train station at about 7 a.m. Once we got off the train and in the main part of the station, we were accosted by several guys;

"Accommodation? Accommodation?"

I guess our American-ness was still apparent despite being there 5 months. So one guy cornered us and we asked him how much.

"7,000 Lira." he said. Our jaws dropped. We were in Italy only a few minutes and knew nothing of their economy or currency.

"How much is that in dollars?" We asked.

He got a piece of paper and scratched some numbers then replied, "Four dollars and a fifty cents."

"Okay, well check it out!"

Papa Germano's Pensione was the name of this place and the guy at the train station could have been Papa Germano himself for all I know. But we schlepped our bags, following the written directions the guy gave us. We came to a building with a sign identifying the place and walked in. We met a lady who was carrying her infant son with her, who she said was sick. She showed us a room that had two single beds and shared a shower down the hall with several other rooms. It looked like a decent enough place, plus it had the virtue of being cheap.

After checking in, we began to explore the city of Rome. You could feel the ancient nature of this place in your bones as everything looked ancient. We visited the coliseum, of course and several other temple sites with ruins. They were still digging and excavating and cataloging artifacts. We passed several old buildings where you could see the stuff spilling out of boxes.

At one point we bought some cheese, crackers and wine for lunch and picnicked in some ancient park. I remember lying in the sun, with my head in Suzy's lap as I read the tourist brochure aloud and she fed me cheese and crackers. It was probably the first relatively amorous moment we had shared and the setting certainly lent itself to some sense of romance. Who knows where things might have headed. We had another two weeks or so before I would have to fly home. We were enjoying the moment and I am so glad I did have that moment at that time in that place. But little did we know that our time was coming to an end.

The Journey Continues: Suzy

2006-11-09T20:24:00.000-05:00

I did have one visitor while living with my host family. Suzy was from Wyoming and had been on the trip through Europe. We had been writing each other while there and sending each other books. She was originally going to be there 3 months but decided to stay for an additional 3 months. So she came and visited and stayed in the guest house for a few days.

This perfectly illustrates the massive hedge God had put around me. Suzy was exceedingly cute and as lonely as me. Her German was better than mine, though it was the southern (Bayerish) variety which amused Ilse to no end. She was warm and friendly and in a future life I would have definitely gone for her. But I hardly considered it during her visit. This was January and I planned on leaving my assignment as soon as I could without causing too much of a stir with my host family. So Suzy and I planned to meet in Cologne at a the train station at a certain time in February. I felt a ray of hope. Suzy and I planned on traveling around Europe together for about 3 weeks before heading back to the states. I was looking forward to getting out of there and she was looking forward to having a traveling companion.

And so it was that with this to look forward to, the last month of my captivity went by quickly. I was very happy to be leaving the day I did with only the faintest pang of nostalgia as my host father dropped me off at the train station.

Cologne

When I got a weekend off, Cologne was my chosen destination. It was about an hour train ride from the closest train station which was about 20 minutes away. The Cologne Cathedral is THE landmark and is right outside the train station. There it has stood for nearly 1000 years, inspiring awe from millions of people. If I ever get back to Germany, it is definitely a must for me to make that pilgrimage again. The Köln Dom was undergoing renovations at the time and I wouldn't be surprised if it were still being renovated today.

The Catholic church has been an awesomely powerful influence in European history but it has paid for its wicked ways through a backlash that has made most of these nations pretty much atheist in orientation. The cathedrals are mainly tourist attractions and are rarely attended by the city folk who they were built for.

As such, Europe is seen by some evangelicals as fertile ground for revival. And so it was on this February day in 1983.

After being sufficiently awed by the cathedral again, I made my way to the outdoor mall area. This is the place to see and be scene much like our malls today. There were many, many stores and eateries. It was on a previous trip that I had discovered my first adult movie arcade, where you go into a booth, put some coins in a slot and watch several movies, selecting the one you want by flipping a dial. That was my only visit there, as it just wasn't a big draw for me and certainly not a good use of my limited funds. But I do recall there being one channel where it was in English and that was the sole draw for me. To hear English.

So this day, strolling the fussgangerzone, I would have an encounter with English. But not just English; American English. Other than Suzy, I hadn't encountered an American in several months.

In the middle of the zone, under a tree, on a platform, stood a young man yelling out in American English. He had an interpreter with him but I paid her no mind. I listened to the young man. I simply imbibed the cadence, the rhythm and the form of his speech without hearing so much the words. But soon enough I heard his words, and unbeknown to me, God was beginning to move. Actually God had never stopped moving, but now the pace was about to quicken just a bit.

Micky and Mary

I glossed through 18 years of church and spirituality in about 2 or 3 entries. And now, this 6 month period takes...how many? And we're not even halfway there, yet. There is a climax to this that will hopefully be worth it. But we have to get to it in due time, just like I did over 20 years ago. I couldn't rush it then and I'm not going to do it now. It's my story and I'm giving it the attention it deserves. Skim if you want, skip if you must, but I'm going to tell this story like it happened.

My ears could hardly believe themselves as I was listening to a young man preach under a tree in the fussgängerzone. It was American English and it was a treat, even though it was preaching. I had never been much for street preachers, but I can't say I heard that many up until this time. At this point in my life, this was not anything I was going to take serriously. I was in rebellion, and while it was lovely to hear an American voice, my interest in the content was about nil. Or so I thought.

A lovely young woman came up to me, and handed me a little tract which I took without looking at it. She hung around and then asked me, "Bist du ein Christ?" She was asking if I was a Christian. This was not a conversation I was keen to have at the moment. So I thought I would throw this mädchen off by mumbling something in English. "Hmmm, yeah, maybe, I think maybe so, perhaps..."

Her eyes lit up, "Oh! You're an American! So am I!"

So much for that. God does have a sense of humor now that I think about it. The girl's name was Mary and it just so happened that it was her husband up there preaching. So there was no escape. I was to meet Suzy but not for another couple of hours. So this was as good a way to kill time as any. So I talked a bit to Mary, and her husband, Micky, came over when he finished preaching. I think they were both from Idaho, and had come over to join a group of Americans who were acting as missionaries here in Gerrmany. Their German was worse than mine as they had not been in Germany as long as me and hadn't had the immersion experience that I had. They were with another gentleman from Tennessee. Tennessee could speak a little German but you haven't lived until you hear German spoken with a southern accent!

Someone from this little band lived a few blocks away so they invited me to their kaffee trinken, or German tea time. I still had a couple hours to kill and far be it from me to turn down a free meal. So I went with them and we ate and talked. They were happy I was there, and had me share a bit about why I was in Germany and what it was like. I don't remember much at all about this visit. I know that when it came time to leave, I said goodbye and they said they would be praying for me.

They weren't kidding.

Traveling With Suzy

The meeting place was the flower shop in the Train station and the time was about 5:00. We saw each other and we did hug one another. It was good to see my friend again. I told her about the folks I met on the fussgängerzone and she responded, "Good thing I came when I did or you'd be selling flowers in the station!" We both had a chuckle and plotted our course.

I had a Eurail pass which allowed unlimited travel around Europe for young people for "free" (I had to buy the pass) except that I had to pay half fare within Germany. So the first job was to get out of Germany which was fine with me. I was happy to see the back of it for good. So we headed out to Aachen and then on toward Brussels. Except we didn't get to Brussels. Somehow or other, we ended up in Bastogne.

History buffs may remember this place from the Battle of the Bulge, where the American army held out against German forces until they were relieved by the forces of General Patton. Patton is still a bit of a folk hero among Europeans or were during that time, especially among Germans. We arrived there after dark, and Bastogne was the end of the line. There were no trains going anywhere until the next morning.

So there we were in the coldness on February in this rather small town whose distinguishing feature was an American tank parked in the middle of town. I had thoughts of hanging out at the empty train station but Suzy was having none of that. She ended up finding us a room to stay in, with a shower...and one bed.

Suzy acted like it was no big deal. She changed into sweats in the bathroom, and so did I. She crawled in to bed and so did I. And she just sort of drifted off to sleep. I did sleep, but I was hyper-aware of Suzy's presence right there. There was nothing wrong with Suzy, but I was way, way off in virgin land. I hadn't even kissed a girl at the age of 19. Suzy had done at least a year of college, was a year older and I guessed more experienced. Nothing was really said or discussed until the next day as we sat together on the train. She made a comment like, "Well we did sleep together." It was kind of funny, but I was in an awkward state. I did like Suzy, but had no concept of my sexual self. I had no idea what to do.

We were heading south to Switzerland to spend a day or two with some other FFA exchangees. Tom and Tonya were at the same farm and had come over seperate from Suzy and I. But we knew of them from newsletters the FFA sent to all of us exchange students. We had exchanged a few letters and arranged to meet them. We arrived in Zurich and spent the night in a youth hostel before taking the morning train to their little farm. It was a good visit, and I had a chance to try to ski and hike a bit around the Swiss countryside. It was good to spend some time with a couple of other young American farm kids.

Suzy and I bid Tom and Tonya farewell and headed to our next destination; Rome, Italy. This would be the place where God would act most decisively. Things were about to change dramatically.

Travels into a Wilderness

2006-11-07T20:42:00.000-05:00

At 18, we all magically turn into responsible, mature adults, don't we? Actually, that's just a sort-of expectation. In my culture and family, it loomed a bit larger. Independence was a huge deal and I had been prepared and groomed for it which is one reason why I turned out as capable as I have. But the cost is paid in relationships and connections.

After graduation, I decided to go on an agricultural work exchange to what was then West Germany. This delighted congregants within my church, many of them still having connections over there in spirit if nothing else. My parents were okay with it as well. The fact that I was going to pay for it myself is a testament to my independence. I had taken my first bank loan out at the age of 10 for 3 beef calves 2 of which I subsequently showed at the fair, and sold and I helped eat the other one. This traveling venture would be paid for with money from the sale of some dairy cattle I had.

It was really an exciting time for me. I spent the summer getting my passport, brushing up on my German and otherwise getting ready for 6 months abroad. I found one other guy in Iowa who was going on the same trip only he was only staying 3 months. So we met at a greyhound bus station, said goodbye to our parents and made the Journey to Washington D.C. where we would meet other folks going at the National FFA center and then on to Europe.

I had been to D.C once before on a previous FFA trip so had some idea of what lie ahead. Or thought I did. My companion, Keith, had no idea and was seriously right off the farm. And we did look like a couple of rubes around D.C. wearing our FFA jackets with IOWA emblazoned on the back in big gold letters. We were constantly being asked for money by panhandlers. I quit giving but Keith kept digging in his pocket every single time.

We toured a few places and then met the rest of our group at the FFA center. We spent a couple of days acclimating before flying over to Luxemburg via Iceland Air. For a lot of us, this was our first ever plane ride! This was mid August and when we left JFK airport it was 95°. At the layover in Iceland it was 45°F!

The group of 25 or so of us spent a couple of weeks touring around Europe on a charter bus. We got to know Europe and each other. Keith acquired a girlfriend during this time but that wasn't really on my mind at the time. I liked girls but womanizing just didn't seem like so much of a priority for me at the time. Plus, me being a virgin in every sense of the word made me more resistant to whatever carnal temptations there were. It was a fun time touring Luxemburg, Amsterdam, Brussels, Paris and finally Frankfurt. We practiced using trains and generally learning to get around. Then it was time for each of us to go our separate ways to our host families.

Germany

This blog suddenly feels too confining. My adventures are hand written in a journal and I later had someone type them. But they have never been transcribed electronically. I did have adventures and it is difficult understanding what happened to me in Rome until one understands what happened in Germany. Yes, I am eventually going to end up in Rome.

I was assigned to a host family not far from the Rhine valley and Cologne. I traveled from Frankfurt alone to a small station and then called the number I had been given. A young teenager answered and said in English that his father would be there in 20 minutes. And so my adventure began in earnest.

In hindsight, God's purpose here was to dismantle my defenses, my pride, my support and my arrogance. I was to experience a sort of aloneness unlike anything I had ever known. It was my time in the wilderness.

My host father, Rudy, was basically a very kind man. He was always smiling, laid back and was friendly. He could speak hardly any English, though, and it would take me time to acquire an ability to understand German spoken by true natives. So the ride to the farm was a bit awkward. Once there, I met my host mother, Ilse. She was NOT laid back. She ruled the roost in no uncertain terms and it didn't take long for this to become apparent.

Rudy and Ilse had 4 children, Roland who was 24 and my official host. Joachim was 17 and still attending the gymnasium. Ute was 20 and was going to the University in Mainz. There was an older daughter but I only met her once and can not even remember her name.

Within an hour of my arrival, I was on a tractor packing silage in a pit silo. When shifting a German tractor, it is helpful to know that 'S' does NOT mean slow. It means "Schnell" which is quit the opposite. Just so you know. This was fairly indicative of how things were run on a German farm. Germans are hardworking people and many live to work. This family was definitely of that persuasion. I was there to work and work hard.

This was how God worked loose the crusty layer of my pride and arrogance. I was in a place where I could barely understand and not be understood. I had many demands placed upon me and I was alone. I looked and felt every bit the idiot. For instance, I was supposed to haul coal from a pile behind a building to the house with a wheel barrow. Yes, this family did still use coal and wood for heat in the 1980's. My own family still used wood, so I could't say much!

This involved some complex language. I didn't know what "coal" was, or where the shed was or what a wheelbarrow was. At least not in German. I was still learning about what they call different foods and clothes and why we ate 4 times a day. Everything about the experience seemed designed to make me look and feel stupid. Plus I was still only 18 and immature.

There was no internet back then. A telephone call home could cost hundreds of dollars. It took two weeks for a letter I sent home to be answered via airmail. I could and did write to those other FFA exchange students I had met earlier and we shared tales of woes. More than one person could not take it and left early. I did meet up with a bunch in October for a trip to Berlin. Berlin in the early 1980's was something else. I saw the wall and went through the checkpoint to the East and witnessed the oppression and despair brought on by the dehumanizing system of communism. I talked with East Berliners and they were quite candid as long as we talked in hushed voices. I had some of my greatest adventures in Berlin. But this story is not about Berlin or Germany, as such.

Once back on the farm, it was back to the grind. I was up early to milk cows. Eat. Do more work till lunch. Then work some more. Then eat what would be sort of like tea time then milk cows. Then eat dinner and retire to my room in the guest house.

This was not easy work, either. On my farm, putting coal or wood in the house was as easy as picking it up with a front loader and dumping it in the house. In Germany, it was all hand work with a wheel barrow. I harvested acres of sugar beats...by hand. Acres of potatoes...by hand. Most of the time, it was just Roland and I, but sometimes Joachim would come and on a very few occasions the whole family was in on it. But it seemed I was always there for it all. Day after day, rain or shine, it seemed endless.

Actually, this exchange plugged into the German Praktant system. It is basically an apprenticeship program for young farmers or farm workers that Germans who want to get degrees in agriculture must go through. It was not quite what most of us Americans bargained for when we signed on. We were considered mostly workers more than ambassadors and that was indeed humbling.

My host mother was insatiable. No matter how hard or fast I worked it was never fast or hard enough. I could easily envision this woman running a concentration camp. She dominated the family and everything about it. Again, God was softening me up by chipping away at a crusty young exterior.

Life in the Guest House

The family ran a large guest house, separate from the family home. This was where I lived. It became a sanctuary for me, in a way. I had all my meals in the family house and sometimes stayed and watched TV with Rudy. But mostly stayed in my own room in my own world. There was my retreat.

Ilse gave me a radio and on it I could pick up British Forces Radio. I have no idea why but I never did pick up American Forces Radio. So my English speaking lifeline was courtesy of the Brits. All my news was via the BBC and I soon had a few favourite programmes that I liked to listen to. My favorites were the heavy metal hour and the punk rock hour. I also liked the "Rock Around Europe Countdown." This radio also had a cassette deck, so I listened to ACDC mostly and developed a taste for some German heavy metal.

Letters were my main life line. I perfectly understand Prison Pete when he laments about not getting any mail. Only I was at a place where I was the only inmate! It took two weeks for a letter to turn around and that was if the person on the other side answered right away. I had a few friends write and of course my parents and other exchange students I had met earlier. But not many of them were writers like I was. So I spent time every night journaling; blogging the old fashioned way!LOL!

I did NOT have my Bible with me and that is a major regret. I did read several books courtesy of fellow FFA work exchange students and we sent those around. This was a time where I had the potential to spend hours reading it and I would have I'm sure. But fool that I was, I did not take one and did not get one.

I became despondent and withdrawn. Roland sometimes asked me to go to the discotek with him and I did in the early days but didn't as much as time went on. I suppose it was while I was there that I began to smoke a bit more. Not like I would later, but seeds were planted. I drank beer, but not to excess. Again, some of it was because of access issues but also I was not into addiction as much back then. I did have too much sometimes, but it was rare. I was curious about drugs and saw people use them but just never got the chance. Or didn't want the chance?

Bad and terrible things could have happened, but God had put a hedge around me. It kept me in but kept many things out. I was so young and naive, it's sometimes amazing to look back and see how I avoided these pitfalls.

I spent my birthday over there, and my parents sent something I think. I think my host family gave me the day off. Thanksgiving? It was already over with before I realized I missed it! It's not big in either Germany or the UK, where my news was coming from.

Christmas, however, was a bit hard. This was my first Christmas away, and I was very far away. I think I may have called the folks that one time. It was nice, and my host family did try to help make the best of it. I could communicate well by this time, but I not well enough to share my heart.

It is important and worth noting that my relationship with God was one of active rebellion. I was tremendously angry at God. I blamed Him for the sorry state I was in. I shook my fist at the sky while alone in the potato field with my little basket in the sun. I was angry and cursed God to His face. I became absolutely contemptuous of God or anything to do with Him. To Hell with God. I became an Anarchist. While within my hedge, I sought ways out but found none. I felt God abandoned me at times and other times told Him to leave me alone.

Obviously, this was not a trip into a physical wilderness, but very much a spiritual one.

I know this is longish, but I wanted to keep things moving and I have barreled through this quickly and I hope not unfairly.

Church and Spirutuality: A bit more from the Presbyterians

2006-11-04T23:06:00.000-05:00

Before I take an extended break from the Presbyterians, I thought my experiences warranted a bit more from all those years. I will be returning to this church again, but this gives a little more before departing on extended leave...

It's true that within mainline denominational churches, my experience was very typical. While something like 80% of Americans believe in God, not very many of those are darkening the doors of churches. But even if they are, a fundamental understanding of the Bible, God and Jesus is somewhat elusive. When I was confirmed, all around the country, Lutherans, Methodists and Presbyterians were getting confirmed. In my hometown, about 1/3 of the town was Catholic, so they were getting their first communion. This is what people did, and I knew very few who didn't. There was exactly one Baptist church in the entire county and they did do things a bit differently. There were also one or two nondenominational churches around and at least one Jehovah's Witness.

When you live in the city, it is much easier being a godless heathen. I grew up on the farm, where the force of nature was literally in our face every single day. I can only think of a couple of farmers I ever met who I would describe as either atheist or agnostic and neither of them lasted in the business very long. Around our "neighborhood" (which consisted of about 5 square miles) it was about evenly divided between Catholics and Protestants. Religion was considered a personal thing to most folks so it was not generally discussed much outside of church. There is this sort of Midwest stoicism that was very pervasive and still exists within me today. We are friendly without being overly warm. Hugging was not something you saw a lot of where I grew up. Our personal space was bigger than any other place I have visited, and I'm fairly well traveled.

Actually, our family did talk about religion and the Bible sometimes after church. Both Mom and Dad took their turns serving on the session as ruling elders of the church. Both taught Sunday school at various times. My parents were fairly well versed, and applied it as needed. Mom was definitely more in tuned spiritually and has become more so over time. A couple of stories illustrate where they were and what I grew up with:

When Mom was on the Session, there was some discussion about buying some new Bibles for the church. Whoever had ordered them previously had gotten Good News Bibles. The Good News Bible is a paraphrase and contains assorted inaccuracies as a result of imprecise language. Its claim to fame is that it was written in language that was easy to understand.

Let me take just a moment to explain something and I'm sure XH or Desmond will glom on with more thorough commentary. Language is the currency by which meaning is carried through from one generation to the next. It's important. The New American Standard (NAS) and New International Versions (NIV) are written at about an 8th grade level or so. That New English Version (NEV) I had was slightly higher than that. The Good News was made significantly lower than other translations thus easier to read and understand. However, we get into a sort of Heisenberg thing. You can not convey the same precision of meaning with a simpler vocabulary. "Car" is a very simple word and much more accessible to the simple minded than "Escalade." Which one of these conveys a more precise meaning? Which is more accurate? This was one of the problems with the Good News Bible.

Another was that certain editions or printings had more serious mistakes and errors. I had one given to me by the pastor of our Presbyterian church succeeding Roger that was missing entire chapters.

Mom challenged the session on this. The Good News Bible had supporters, though. They liked the fact that it was easy to understand and it had these cute little pictures throughout. But Mom had done her research. She even called up Billy Graham's home office in Minnesota. While Dr. Graham's associates would not say anything against any Bible, they did hint that the Good News was not their first choice. Mom had always been a fan of Billy Graham and had bought several of his books.

At the end of the Session meeting, the church got new Bibles and they were NOT Good News Bibles.

For the second story, the year before I was confirmed, Dad was on the session and a week before Palm Sunday, the session interviewed the confirmands. The purpose of this is so the session of ruling elders can determine if the young folks have what it takes to become full voting members of the church. I assume they still do it today and I would take a guess that NO ONE has ever been NOT confirmed because the session refused to recommend them. At least not in the last 25 years.

Donny was a year older than me and was in the hot seat. Elders asked him questions like, what was his favorite verse, what he thought of God, what he thought of Jesus. Now remember, this is 2 weeks before Easter. So Dad asked Donny, "What is Easter?"

Donny's reply: "I don't know. I couldn't tell you."

Roger was red-faced. The entire session was embarrassed. Dad tried to couch him a bit. "Well, just tell me a bit about what happened on Easter. Don't be nervous; just mention anything you remember from all these years at Sunday school and 2 years of confirmation. Just tell us what happened on Easter. Tell us ANYTHING about Easter!"

Donny could not say. He really and truly had no idea what Easter was. Dad was absolutely floored. The session voted to allow Donny to be confirmed but I'm not sure if Dad voted or abstained. How can one even say the Apostle's creed and not know what Easter is? Without it, there is no church! No Christianity! No confirmation! But this reveals a fundamental flaw within so many mainstream churches. Donny was not a bad person. He was probably a better person than me, as far as maturity and behavior.

The next year, you can bet I was asked about Easter and you can bet that I knew the right answer! But as I said the last time, my deep understanding was not that much further than Donny's. I knew God and even talked to Him on occasion. But I remained untouched and unaffected. I knew God's pleasure but didn't truly know I knew it. I was spiritually blind and crippled. I can not blame my parents or my church for this entirely, though. Culture, my own thick headedness, and lack of motivation played parts. But God was not going to leave me there. I had some plans, but God had His own agenda. And now we can go on that journey together to the next step, over mountains and across the sea to another place far, far away...

Church and Spirituality Pt. 2: Presbyterianism

2006-11-02T00:02:00.000-05:00

Presbyterianism

1974-1988

Dad likes to tell the story of how he found the Presbyterian church. He was out doing chores one morning when he heard the church bells. I find the story a bit odd, since we milked cows and it was difficult hearing anything, let alone bells of a church several miles away above the sound of milking machines, an compressor and assorted cow bellows. Also, those bells rang at around 10:00 when he would have been finishing up the chores. But that is his story and he's sticking to it.

In any case, we went to this country church situated on top of a windy hill. My parents instantly felt comfortable and I was about as instantly bored. I did go to Sunday school, and my Sunday school teacher was a younger guy named Jim. There were mostly about 3 of us in Sunday school, and sometimes just me in and him. I would say he was a good influence and years later I would learn how hard his job was as I would try teaching about the same age of kids.

Presbyterians and Methodists are not very far removed from each other in style and substance. Yes, Presbyterians have this deal about predestination but Methodists have Proveniant grace which is nearly the same thing. Both baptize babies, both confirm kids about the same age and neither gets too crazy or excited at their Sunday services. Both denominations are experiencing the same riffs, tiffs and divisions about the same issues to this very day. While the Presbyterian USA denomination is one of the most liberal of all in this country, our little congregation was not. It was only since WWII that they were actually speaking English at the services instead of German. The congregation was made up of very hard working farmers who were also very pragmatic about their faith. Many preachers came and were run off because their liberal politics clashed with the congregation's conservative ways.

You can imagine how it went over when their ambitious young minister, Ken, and his family moved away and was replaced by Roger. Roger was a recovering alcoholic who also smoked. In addition, he was a card carrying member of Jimmy Carter's party. As that president's popularity waned, so did the popularity of Roger. After just one year in the church, his wife divorced him which was another strike against him. But Roger was the most highly educated any of us had ever known. The guy was sharp as a whip. His sermons were often more like university lectures than sermons. But he would not have made a good teaching professor. He was the teacher I had as I was going through confirmation.

Confirmation in the Presbyterian church is a 2 year process of supposed intense education in order to get ready to take the same vows our parents took for us when we were baptized as babies. In reality, it was a time to socialize on Wednesday nights. The process could have been very very rigorous. We were charged with memorizing some 100 questions and answers from the Presbyterian catechism. However I wasn't having any of that, and neither were any of the other kids. I was 15-16 at the time I went through. Plus my Dad was on the Session which was the governing board of the church.

Confirmation took place on Palm Sunday, I got drunk the night before, so had a bit of a hangover when I recited the Apostle's Creed in front of everyone in the congregation. It was me and one other girl who went through. I would be the last confirmand Roger would have at our church, as he moved on later that year. I would write him a few letters a few years later when I finally did have some real questions about my faith. But up until this time, I was just going through the motions. I would graduate high school with an intellectual understanding of God and Jesus. But it would take something a bit more dramatic to get through to my heart.

Church and Spiritual History Pt. 1

2006-10-31T21:32:00.000-05:00

I'm going to do something a bit different, at least in the life of this blog. I'm going to lay down a bit of my own unique history and see where it goes.

This came about because Arwyn wanted to visit a different church. And it was different, but "different" is all relative. It was in church that I mentally began framing this idea for a post or a series of posts. This one is about my spiritual/church history. Some folks have NO church history, and others have very few different churches. But I have many, and they have been a diverse bunch.

Methodism

1963-1974

The first church I ever knew was in a very small town (Maybe 200 people) which did have 2 churches. Mine was the United Methodist Church, and I couldn't tell you what the one cross the street was except it was protestant. We'll call this first church BUMC.

I'm sure this was where I was baptized, and it was also where my brother and sister were baptized. I have a very early photo of our family when my youngest sister was just a baby taken at the church. It would be another 15 years before we had another family portrait made like that. But there's a lot more history to cover!

My first memory of church is not really the nicest in the world. I remember the church had a program of some sort where all of us kids were supposed to sing or something in front of the congregation. Whatever it was, I had no interest in it, and goofed off the whole time pretending to fly rockets or something silly. Many folks in the congregation laughed and thought it was cute as I couldn't have been more than 4 years old at the time. But there was at least one person who did NOT find it funny AT ALL!

It must have been early spring, as Dad had taken plastic off the windows which we had fastened with wooden lathes which were about 3 feet long, a half inch think or so, and 2 inches wide. The memory of that morning is still pretty vivid. Dad never said a word after church, until we got home. Dad said "Get me a stick." I wasn't sure what he meant, I just knew he wasn't happy. I got one of those lathes, and he took it, pulled my pants down and wore my bottom out with that stick. It was traumatizing enough I never forgot it. Dad never had to spank me again. There was always some fear of him lurking in there, but it was respectful fear.

BUMC would be our church for the first 10 years of my life, which is a long time now that I think of it. My parents were not regular attendees, though. We made the Christmas/Easter services, but my parents were not into church as much as they would be in later years. In fact, my next memory of that church was after Mom had dropped my brother and I off for Sunday School. Mom went home, and laid down for a nap or went back to bed or something. My brother, who wouldn't have been over 3 and, me about 6 or 7 waited for what seemed like forever for her to pick us up. Finally, I just took my brother by the hand and began walking home. Thing was, we didn't live in town, but a few miles away on the farm! Mom did manage to wake up and get us before we got past where the sidewalk runs out!

I remember going to Sunday School consisting of just a few kids, and in 3rd grade I got my first Bible, a New English Version. It would be many, many years before I appreciated this Bible, as it was more of a scholarly Bible than any other translation prior to that. Chapter and verse numbers were in page margins, so did not align perfectly with where things were in other Bibles. Plus the thing was in English, as it British. Since it was a new translation, it did not read anything like the King James versions other people had. No one had anything resembling this Bible, and it was somewhat frustrating trying to do a Bible Study or follow along. Fact is, this Bible had much heavier scholarship behind it that I wouldn't appreciate until the New Oxford Bible came out, which was the new edition of the one I got back in 1972. But definitely beyond my 3rd grade understanding. But I did read it. I liked reading books and sometimes did find parts of the Bible that were enjoyable. Stories of giants, talking donkeys, great kings and armies...just the thing for a kid with an imagination!

At the age of 10, we moved to another farm. In addition to a new town with a new school and friends, we were on a search for a new church. There was a little Methodist chuch (FMUMC) not far from where we lived that we went to a few times. But it wasn't really much of a Methodist church. In 1968 the Methodists merged the Evangelical United Brethren (EUB) church which turned plain Methodists into United Methodists. I'm sure this was in connection with some greater ecumenical movement, because many of these EUB churches were nothing like the Methodists. Methodists tend to be very liturgical and structured. Congregations vary, but BUMC was very conservative, traditional and structured. To my young eyes, it was stuffy.

This new church, although smallish and way out in the country, seemed more alive to me. Plus they had a children's church so that we didn't have to stay in with the adults and be bored. However, my parents were uncomfortable there. These people were ex-EUB congregants (This being about 1975), and some were charismatic. They liked to raise their hands during the hymns, some spoke in tongues and a few even responded to the preacher with an "Amen!" or two during the sermon! The minister was a Harley riding character who shared this church with one other. My parents were into none of that, so we continued searching. But I do remember going to Bible School there one summer for a week. It was fun. A couple years ago I went back to that church with my Dad, and it seemed so tiny compared to how I remember it as a 10 year-old kid. It had also gotten much more conservative and would fit in with any Methodist church nowadays as the congregants had evolved, moved away or passed away.

We visited Methodist churches in towns around and not many other denominations because Methodism was what my Dad knew and that's what he was comfortable with. Mom, OTOH, was raised a Catholic. This was because that was the only church her father would go to. Her mother would have gone to any church, and was partial to the Babtist church. But, back in those days, if you married a Catholic man, that's what you became. In my mom's case, she married a Methodist so that's what she became.

The Bible enjoins men to take the spiritual lead in the family. However in my immediate family, it was the women who took the lead. While they conformed to the faith of the men they married, they only did this because it was the only way to get the men to go to church at all! For instance, there was no possible way Dad would have joined a Catholic church. He would have opted to stay home, and would not have gone to church alone. Same with both of my grandfathers. This was a compromise my mom and grandmothers made in order to get the men in the family to go to church.

We spent a year or two in a sort of limbo, looking for another church. We sometimes went to FMUMC, other times tried somewhere else but also didn't go at all much of the time. Then, one morning while Dad was out doing chores, he heard the unmistakable sound of church bells. And it was not FMUMC. It was another church and it would become my eventual church home for the next 10 years while my parents stayed for over 20 years.

A Few Words About Suffering

2006-10-14T21:11:00.000-04:00

Cooking tip of the day: I just learned that baking pumpkin chunks in a crockpot for 10 hours is superior to boiling them.

Human beings seem uniquely enabled for suffering above and beyond any other creature in the known universe. It is amazing how we either inflict it on ourselves, inflict suffering on others or suffer on anothers behalf, even those we don't know.

First off, I need to talk about what suffering is and what it is not. Suffering is often associated with pain, but pain and suffering are two different events. When I get my flu shot, I'm going to feel some pain but I'm not necessarily going to suffer. By the same token, it is possible to experience suffering without necessarily being directly affected by pain. But there is a relationship there, and usually it is associated with chronic, acute pain over a sustained amount of time. But as I said, the pain can be experienced vicariously as we did as a nation around 9/11 or as we continue to do in Iraq.

I said above that we inflict suffering on others. Actually, I don't think that is true. We can inflict pain, but suffering is something deeply personal. Is suffering optional?

THAT is the real question. According the Byron Katie, suffering is entirely optional. Pain is the firing of several nerves, but suffering consists of emotionally attaching to the pain and sticking with it.

I have the audio versions of Katie's books and there was one exchange that was sort of amazing. Katie was in a live audience and was helping people do "The Work." One woman stood up, all convulsive in tears and sobs. And if anyone had a right to suffer, this woman did:

She had been married to a man for just a few years, when he was killed in a car wreck. They were in the process of adopting a baby and when he died and the adoption was denied. However, after this man died, his wife discovered that he had been having and affair! But the story does not end there. No, in addition to her losing her husband, her prospective baby, and discovering her husband's affair, it turns out the man had not changed his life insurance from a previous marriage. Therefore, the ex-wife got the all insurance money and refused to even help out with burial and funeral expenses!

She really had a right to suffer if anyone did.

Katie helped this woman work through each and every one of these issues, step by step, moving on and moving past the suffering. She basically proved her point that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. We don't have to do it, and we can choose not to do it.

And this brings me full circle to some of my earliest posts to this blog, and why I started and have kept up my little blogging network.

So where does suffering come from? It comes from our own minds, our own notions and our own beliefs. I have a prime example that could be worked through to illustrate the point, and I might do so elsewhere. But it resides in roughly the same space that resentment lives. Someone did a piece on expectations that falls in line with this, as they tend to set up resentment which brings on suffering. Expectations, resentment and suffering are all linked and all are optional.

Now I'm thinking about my example, so I'll move on that post. It'll certainly be more fun to write.

Converting to Wordpress

2006-09-16T15:15:00.000-04:00

I’ve talked about Wordpress here and on my Wordpress account. Emily asked “How do I back things up on a Wordpress account?”

It’s excruciatingly easy. First off, go to Wordpress.com and register a site. Pick out your address, your name, and your layout. You can change most of these things (except your address) later. And Wordpress is always adding new bits of functionality. I’m assuming that readers are most interested in a blog hosted by Wordpress like have. If you have yoyur own domain, you can use that to host your Wordpress account and have even more features.

After you get all set up, you can login and go to your dashboard. The wordpress dashboard is much easier to use than the Blogger dashboard. Anyone NOT familiar with HTML will have much more control over their content and presentation using Wordpress.

Once in the dashboard, go to “manage” tab and then pick “import.” There, you will see several choices to pick from. Back when I started, Blogger was it, but now you can see import options for Livejournal, Typepad, and even another Wordpress blog. Currently, only Typepad and Blogger importers support posts AND comments. The only possible snafus with the import are the pictures that are hosted by blogger. Those may not convert so well. The solution is to have pictures posted elsewhere like Flickr.

Wordpress has shouldered more and more of my blogging time and effort because of its greater reliability and ease of use. Plus, it isn’t blocked at work…yet. I’m sure as more and more people migrate it will cause more headaches but right now it works fine. Basically, many of the new posts you read from me on Blogger were written and posted in Wordpress, first, at the end of my workday. Once I get home, if Arwyn isn’t using the computer, I can log in to Blogger, copy the entire Wordpress entry and paste it into the Blogger post page. And it all works, links and all. So yeah, Blogger readers are getting more and more “leftovers” from Wordpress rather than it running the other way like it was just a few months ago.

I need to say a word or two about stats, as many of you are avid stat people. Blogger has an integrated statcounter right on the dashboard, that includes page loads and feed loads. The latter is handy as you can see how many people are pulling you in via RSS. You can also see who your top referrers are, what people search for when reaching you and which posts are your to[p posts for the week or month.

However, the referral page is not the most reliable. It will not necessarily catch every person visiting. You will not see what state, country or village they are from. Wordpress’s stats are simply not as comprehensive although I would describe tham as adequate for my needs. I can see a big spike if some big blogger links to me, and I’ll be able to tell who brought the most people in. I won’t be able to tell you how long each person stayed. So it’s good for basic info but not necessarily for security as it doesn’t allow quite as much snooping in on an individual.

Wordpress does use categories, which is a handy thing. You can begin typing in a tag and match to some already in Wordpress or use one of your own. “Mmmm….Kinky stuff” happened to be a Wordpress tag that I now pretty much own. But if I click through that category, I can visit other blogs using it. Which is how nuns, monks, priests, and assorted virgins end up at my place because I post more on the subject of chastity than anyone else! I always worry I’m costing them more Penance every time they open my blog page.

Links in the blogroll can also be categorized easily, which could be a handy feature for people of diverse interests. Right now I have a very diverse jumble, but they are all automatically alphabetized, which my Blogger links are not. Again, Blogger allows more control but for a nOOb like me, I benefit from the structure of Wordpress. Plus I figured out how to customize my header there, which I couldn’t do on my own in blogger since I don’t know what to do with HTML other than cut and paste.

Last topic I’ll mention here is spam. As a blog becomes more popular, spam always becomes an issue. Blogger does a decent job of blocking spam and this is one area that it runs ahead of Wordpress. Wordpress does do a fair job of blocking spam but does not catch every single one. Dispatching a spam outbreak is easier in Wordpress, though, because you can handle comments in batches. An ornerous spammer might leave 5 different comments but you can delete all of them on a single page with a single click. And the spam destruction graphic is kind of cool to watch as it turns and flashes red before disintegrating into the mist and the other comments slide up to take the place of the destroyed spammer.

Wordpress is a good choice of backup, although there are other methods of backing up your blog. Simply having an RSS feed to your own blog gives you a reasonable copy. I advocate using Thunderbird for email and blogging as opposed to the crappy virus-magnet Outlook most of you use. But then most of you fools are also using IE6 which is the biggest worm/malware/virus magnet ever created. But I’ll do another entry on that issue later.

Give Wordpress a shot. I’m betting you’ll be glad you did.

9/11 Press for Truth

2006-09-12T19:59:00.000-04:00

Although independent investigations began within weeks of both Pearl Harbor and the Kennedy assassination, the same was not true of the attacks of September 11th. Most are unaware that formation of the 9/11 Commission was strongly opposed by many in Washington, including the Bush administration. It was only due to pressure from the 9/11 families, led by a particular twelve calling themselves the Family Steering Committee, that, fourteen months after the attacks, the first hearing finally began. These twelve remained active in monitoring the Commission's investigation, providing a list of hundreds of specific, well-researched questions to the Commissioners. In the end, the Final Report failed to answer seventy percent of them.

Read more HERE. This is the best source for the real 9/11 story that you'll ever read. You can also order a DVD where families tell their stories to support this timeline project.

The 9/11 commission did not get the full story. But you can.

D.

Marxist Marriage?

2006-09-07T22:52:00.000-04:00

FTN recently wrote something about "Husband Points." The idea being that when a guy does some extraordinary thing for his wife, he is awarded some measure of extra recognition or credit or maybe even a favor.

His post is a good one and is well-balanced. Many comments, OTOH, decidedly condemn the whole give-and-take nature of the way things work. The ideal would be if every person in the world did things because they cared enough to help their fellow human beings. I love my wife, therefore I should have no problems earning all the money, giving her as much as she wants, cook all the meals, buy all the groceries, do cleaning and the laundry, cut the grass and whatever else. All because of love. I should do everything that I can and provide everything I can, and take only what I need. And even then, sacrifice a bit, right?

This was the grand experiment of communism which many of you are too young to remember the cold war. Do they even teach about Marx anymore in school? Fact is, communism was a dismal failure because it went against the reality of the human condition. The emphasis was on the good of the many over the good of the individual. Everyone worked for the common good. You worked the farm, took all your harvest, put it into a big pile and then people took what they "needed."

The problem was, that NO ONE had their needs met! Sweaters didn't go on sale until July, and even in Moscow that was way out of season. Bathing suits in January. Lines for bread, shoes, toilet brushes, underwear, toilet paper...everything. Except maybe vodka and beer.

And this is the problem with "doing it because I love you." For one thing, the "love" most people speak of is the love that they feel. IOW, you're doing whatever it is you do when YOU feel like it; when you feel love. But this is not usually when the other person needs it the most. Secondly, if I define love as a conscious decision, then we encounter the "duty" that everyone hates even worse that the economic-like transaction I described earlier.

This romanticized notion of marriage consisting of "doing extra because you love" is a lovely ideal, but a complete distortion of reality. It ignores basic human nature, which is one of self-interest. Even the best people are not going to be altruistic 24/7 and marriage is pretty much 24/7 for years and scores of years.

I'm also going to take aim at the notion that this is the way it ought to be. Again, western culture has very badly distorted and abused the whole symbiotic nature of pair bonding and caring for our young. We have taken romantic love (which has never been grounded much in reality) to such an extreme that it tears at the fabric of our civilization. Yes, I am saying that all of you who reject quid pro quo and duty as ways to make marriage work are delusional psychotics on the same order as Marx and Lenin. Marxist marriage?

How sick is this? How damaging is it? Consider this: if I take your belief that "I should do such and such for my partner because I love them" and turn it around, what do you get?

"If my partner REALLY loved me, they would _________ ."

You can justify this thinking because of the irrational belief that people do what they do in marriage just out of love. Let's turn it around a bit more:

"I DON'T do such and such for my spouse, then I must not love him/her."

How do these beliefs make you feel? Do they make you feel good? Or do they make you feel guilty, angry, hurt or resentful?

Now do you see the problem of associating love with certain behaviors?

By attaching so much emotion to any behavior or class of behaviors, we set ourselves up for those negative outcomes. You are attempting to define love by these behaviors when you really mean to define it by the outcome: how does it make you feel?

Quid pro quo may not make you feel as good because it doesn't match up with your false belief. But if you look at the reality of the way the marriage experience works, it reflects give and take. Sometimes. People tend to undervalue what they take and overvalues what they give, which is why communism and socialism collapse under their own weight. People always taking more than they put in bankrupts the system. In marriage, somebody or even both might be taking and demanding more than what is put into the collective pile.

Classic Example: Dr. McAllister recently posted an article or two on the idea that men could get more sex simply by plugging in the vacuum cleaner and emptying the dishwasher. The women commenting went gaga over this concept! So he posted a tongue-in-cheek follow-up using said comments. So why AREN'T more men mobbing Wal-Mart for those oversized aprons? Gosh, there are SCORES of us who could use more sex! Surely doing a bit more housework would be a fair trade, right?

The problem is that this is a myth. Women are NOT going to be exchanging sex for housework. Otherwise, you'd see guys canvassing cities all around the nation with their own cleaning crews! The ludicrous nature of this housework= more sex can be seen by turning the equation around a bit. On my blogroll there are a fair number of WOMEN who aren't getting laid. Would Freebird get more sex if she changed the oil in the car once in awhile? Maybe Emily should run the lawn mower a bit more often! Maybe Always Aroused Girl could get a decent lay from her husband if only she'd get a ladder and clean those gutters!

Why does this work=sex sound ludicrous when applied to women in CL relationships, yet everyone wants to apply this to men? Because it is only true if the woman has a relatively moderate libido. If it is low, you can forget it. Many of us have tried doing more and more household chores in hopes of freeing up more time and energy for some intimacy. Instead, it ends up freeing up more time and energy for more chores!

Okay, I have drifted entirely away from my initial idea. Husband points are brownie points and are worth exactly 1/25th of one cent but are not redeemable for cash. They are sort of like frequent flier miles with many more conditions and blackout dates.

What makes the transactions in marriage work can almost always be traced to attitude. FTN struggles mightily with his wife's attitude (sort of taking him for granted) as well as his own (he should do things to make her happy, not for points). If a couple can agree on a transactional quid pro quo, why should this be considered wrong? Those folks leaving the money on the dresser do it all the time! Within marriage, is there room for negotiation and haggling? Maybe there should be more of it.

I want to address the "duty" aspect for a minute. This covers a lot of things that quid pro quo does not. It's not always going to seem equitable and fair. But a body wants to be a decent and honorable human being, right? "Duty" might even be a higher expression of love that romanticized fantasy. It implies doing something you don't want to do, but know you should. So you do it because it is the proper thing to do. Dewdrop is such a classic example of this, and she does way far more than so many other women in order to accommodate sex with her husband which totally turns her off. Although I have to say that her constant whining about it doesn't seem very British!

Bartering and doing ones duty are two ways of making things work in a marriage apart from the western hemisphere's ideas of romance. Considering the divorce rate of the romanticized set, it might be time to evaluate some other ways of getting things done. Should Dewdrop feel guilty for what she's doing? I don't think so and this is one example where reading the other side has been helpful. I get what she's doing (I think) and why. She's making what she considers a fair trade. Or at least fair at the moment. Perhaps getting rid of the guilt might make the arrangement a bit more palatable for her. It is an arrangement that isn't exactly ideal for either person, but they are making the best of it.

FTN's wife, with her penchant for wanting to schedule and structure and organize sex seems like she might do better with a more explicitly recognized agreement. FTN can have a salad if he scrubs the bathrooms and vacuums. He gets steak if he does all that plus waxes the floors and cleans the windows. He still may not get the passionate enthusiasm, but at least he's got a cleaner house. Or they could have sex while discussing American Idol, thus really creating a nice little contradiction or at least a challenge.

I'll have to address the duty more aspect when I'm less tired. I need to get to bed earlier as I have an early appointment with a certain kink.

For another interesting professional look at relationships in the blogging world, John recently posted a review of a book I did back in February. The author, Josh Coleman found it and replied a couple of rounds!

Advice for Emily

2006-08-20T22:09:00.000-04:00

This is not exactly unsolicited as she did ask for input. But she was asking for comments. I think a track back is every bit as good or better. And her resolutions for self-improvement hit a few of my sweet spots.

Resolution #1 concerned her struggle with weight. The other day I was talking with a coworker about me not smoking and she was kind of amazed that I hadn't gained weight. And it really is amazing because I have always had a really, really powerful oral fixation thing going on. Too bad I don't have a wife capable of taking advantage of it.

The problem with dieting is the attitude of deprivation. You deprive yourself of eating in order to look and feel better. Unless you can wrap yourself around a masochistic appreciation for deprivation, you won't feel better. In fact, I have a theory about female libido and weight, where women who carry extra weight might be more inclined towards a higher libido. It has to do with the psychology of self-indulgence which is a necessary part of sexual enjoyment. A body has to be just a bit self-interested in order to enjoy sex as opposed to someone whose major sexual emotion is guilt or shame.

My strategy has not been deprivation at all. I eat all the time. However, I am choosing foods that are much higher in fiber. As we age, fiber becomes a more critical part of our diet and more fibrous foods are generally more nutritious. I had a bit of a run-in with the consequences of lack of fiber and Arwyn has had even more complications having to do with her pregnancy over 4 years ago. That would be certain condition related to her posterior. So I became literally nuts about fiber. Shelled, salted peanuts became a major part of dealing with not smoking this last summer. It takes work shelling them, but that's part of the deal, too. Plus the salt makes me drink more water. Popcorn is another great snack loaded with fiber. Just skip the butter.

A second strategy for weight loss is eating food that is much spicier, and pushing the envelope just a bit. If a body in breastfeeding, this might not work so well. But eating spicy hot food means I drink more water. Copious amounts of water to the point I eat much less. 5 oz of corn chips and a cup of salsa and I am FULL! Combine the salsa with refried beans and you get the fiber in addition to all the protein.

With any resolution a key for me is to give myself permission to fail. I reserve the right to buy a pack of cigarettes any time I please and smoke them all without feeling like less of a person. Yes, there will be the price of starting over but I'm not going to kick myself about it. I kicked the habit because I was sick of being enslaved by the obsessive compulsive nature of addiction. If I simply transfer those thoughts of smoking to thoughts of NOT smoking, I am not free at all! But this is just me. I think dieting is very similar, in that it is a crutch used to deliver pleasure when a person is depressed instead of hungry. It's a matter of mentally getting off that hook.

Exercise is not a huge part of my lifestyle, so my weight loss results are always modest. I'm okay with that for the time being, but reserve the right to exercise or not exercise in the future. I admire Emily's determination and hope she can manage simply because she is putting some heavy demands on her time as well as psychological tension.

Emily's next resolution had to do with debt and money. She determined to save $100 per fortnight. I'm guessing a fortnight is around a week. This, like her diet/exercise plan is ambitious. For me, socking away $400 a month would be challenging but I am putting close to that into my retirement account. However, she didn't say much about getting rid of debt which was part of her initial complaint. In my view, getting rid of the debt should be job #1. Debt robs a household of earning power which decreases options a person has in the event of an emergency. Having savings is certainly part of this plan. Dave Ramsey suggests having $1000 in savings before tackling a major assault on debt. This is because the cash reserve is needed for emergencies instead of resorting to credit cards.

I've written about getting rid of debt before and they are worth reading again. At present, we are making slow progress. Slowed even more because Arwyn has continued to rack up debt with her one remaining credit card. I'm going to be taking care of that card before the year is out. I have a credit card that I used to book a hotel once this summer. I paid it as soon as I got home. I then took it out of my wallet and put it away. I have a debit card to use when I don't have enough cash lying around. But Arwyn lacks fiscal discipline to an extreme. This is probably a bigger threat to our marriage than the lack of sex, because I see it as a threat to our family's long-term future that goes way beyond me but affects the kids as well.

The final resolution Emily made was to do some things just for her that would enrich her physically, emotionally and spiritually. This is an individual and personal thing, and what I find enriching, she may find a total bore! But I see where she is coming from, which is the realization that she may never have the fulfilling sexual relationship from her partner that she hoped for. Ever. This is very much a grieving process and part of that is having self-time in order to work through it. There's a tendency to self-destruct through the vice of our choice whether food, drink, gambling, shopping or smoking. We self-medicate the pain away. I got tired of the effort and bother of pushing the pain away and decided to live as best I could with or without the pain. Even if I conquer this pain, there's another just around the corner waiting for me. So dealing with grief and pain is just a skill everyone needs to develop because that's part of living. I am acquiring the skill of dealing and coping without self-destructing and I think that is the most valuable thing I've gotten from my struggles. I'm going to live as best I can without killing myself. If something else gets me, oh well. Dealing with mortality is also part of the deal.

There are no bargains, here. I don't think anyone has it better or worse than another. Everyone struggles and suffers. No one is immune.

Discussing the Bible

2006-07-31T22:55:00.000-04:00

Letters to Malcolm is a book that is actually a collection of letters that C.S. Lewis wrote to his friend, Malcolm, on the subject of prayer. We only read the words of Lewis, but can surmise much of what Malcolm must have been writing.

At one point, we realize that Malcolm’s wife has also been reading along. She makes a comment that is something like, "Oh you two blather on and on about this as if you were a couple of saints! I know better!"

The preceding thread sort of reminds me of that. I can spot mistakes in all of the arguments, just like you all find them in my posts all the time. So perhaps some discussion of the Bible is in order here, since this is where I do quite a lot of Biblical writing and thinking.

First off, I do need to acknowledge my fundamentalist pedigree. I had an experience akin to Paul's Damascus Road experience over 20 years ago in the city of Rome, Italy. For the next several years I was a fundie all the way. I preached on more than one street corner in several different cities in more than one country. I was definitely a Bible Thumper! But I was never as confrontational in my preaching as several of my fundie peers. I did preach a Gospel of love, which seemed to go over well juxtaposed with the hellfire wrath of others. I did speak the truth. Jesus told Peter, "Feed my sheep." He did NOT say to beat them over the head and about the shoulders! It took me a few years for that lesson to really and truly sink in. While preaching love, I was as confrontational as the next fellow, just a bit more clever in it.

Are there mistakes in the Bible? I will not pit my Biblical scholarship against those with more depth, but I do know Biblical characters and authors who did make mistakes. Peter made more mistakes than anyone else as a disciple and I don't think Apostleship cured him completely of his impulsiveness. Paul definitely was in error in his belief that Jesus was coming back in his lifetime. This does not negate the truth of his testimony, though. At the core, all New Testament writers testify to the power and redemption available from a risen Jesus Christ. This is the one sure non negotiable point: that Jesus was the atoning sacrifice who rose from the dead.

As far as Helpmate Hubby's scholarship, I haven't the depth that he has. However, the contextual criticism he uses to undermine Biblical authority is a bit much to take for people who truly revere the Bible as a sacred text. I do believe it is a sacred, Holy, living, God-breathed word that has been given to us to help guide us. When Billy Graham was confronted with a friend of his who had just been to seminary, he was troubled by much of what his friend was saying. Things Helpmate Hubby asserts, like John did not write the books attributed to him, or that there was no such person as Daniel, or that Jonah did not exist.

Billy Graham had a major crisis of faith. How could he go on preaching from this book, when his friend and other scholars kept pointing out how flawed it was? Was the Bible true? Or was it just a collection of stories written and put together by a bunch of guys using pseudonyms? How could you know what was true and what was not? Billy took his Bible out to the woods and laid it open on a tree stump. He knelt down and prayed, basically telling God that he was uncertain and afraid. He wanted to believe but his friend had cast doubt. He then prayed that until God showed him differently, he was going to trust in the Bible and the truth of it. He would place his faith in God's guidance and in God's word. He made a decision at that moment to believe in the authority of the scriptures. Billy Graham's ministry has touched more people around the world than any other single evangelist in history. He has been a confident to presidents and prime ministers and preached the Gospel to every continent in the world. And this man never preached a sermon that did not include the phrase "The Bible says..." It was and still is the absolute authority for what God expects of us today and in the future.

So does God expect women to not teach and preach? Does he expect them to always submit? He does expect women to submit to HIM. But what about to men? I'm not sure we men have been submittable to. God uses the best people for the particular job He has for us, despite what anyone else thinks or believes. I threw out the name of Joyce Meyer as an example of a woman who teaches both men and women with quite a lot more authority than any of us men posting around blogland. She is doing good works. She will be the first to say that she has had a difficult time submitting to her husband. But she does do it, because she believes this is what God wants her to do.

The question is what should those of us men do who are paired with choleric wives? Jesus set the standard and the example. He submitted totally and absolutely. He kneeled at the feet of the Apostles to wash their feet, and told them that the greatest of all must be the servant of all. Helpmate Hubby has embraced this with an almost fundamental zeal!

Should the Bible be taken literally? I believe the Bible should be taken as authoritative, which is not the same. I think everyone in the debate could agree with that much. This does not mean that we throw stuff out on the basis of what some scholar says or claims. We look at the scriptures along with history or tradition, reason and experience in order to discern Truth. With the debate about roles in marriage there is quite a lot of conflict because we have some differing experiences. As soon as one asserts that their way is the ONLY way, this conflicts with another person's experiences and therefore their truth. Christian Husband can not make his assertion that the only intended role in marriage for a husband is head of household without calling Helpmate Hubby a liar or a fool. Helpmate Hubby counters by asserting that the scriptures are flawed, thus making Christian Husband out to be an ignorant rube. And Emily chimes in saying the lot of us are sexist pigs!

Okay, I'm massively generalizing and taking more than my fair share of literary liberties. I do understand CH's dogmatic clinging to the scriptures as Truth. He's all about holding the line, and I respect this. This is exactly what the Pharisees did, and it was not altogether a bad thing. They kept the faith strong under persecution. They kept the traditions while the people were in exile. They were keepers of the faith. Jesus' objection to them was the burden they put on everyone else in keeping the law while violating the spirit of the law. They kept missing the point because they were so rigid.

HH reminds me of the Gnostics that the Apostle John so bitterly opposed in his letters (or letters attributed to him, as HH prefers.) Basically, the belief was that truth was relative and there was no such thing as Truth. Basically, a body could do whatever they wanted and it was all good. I don't believe that, either. There is good and evil, right and wrong and there are ways to know what that is. While all things may be permissible, not all things are beneficial. Some things are more beneficial than others.

This going back and forth is the strength behind blogging in that we can build on one another's knowledge and experiences. This is precisely why I have the diversity I do in the Reality and Redemption blogroll. Helpmate Hubby and Christian Husband both contribute to the mix in extraordinarily rich ways. I'm learning stuff from both narratives and stories. Both men have experiences that speak to a truth. Where does the truth meet between these two? That's really what I'm looking for. I'm not looking to convert or be converted. I am looking for a truth and coincides with the reality of these two seemingly contrasting but exceptional men. The Bible provides rich historical, theological and a spiritual base. But it's the lives of the folks I read that I'm interested in more than anything. I glean truths and lessons from them and sometimes extend upon those themes with my own tale as the backdrop. I am inspired and awed by them all. God uses all of us to tell His story because the human experience really is about our search for Him, even if we believe we're only searching for happiness for ourselves. We are searching for our own significance in a universe that makes us appear as dust mites.

Thoughts on Submission

2006-07-18T09:41:00.000-04:00

Christian Husband's situation is simply too juicy and luscious for me to ignore. He is hitting on so many of my hot buttons like no other guy blogger has a right to do. He is currently struggling mightily trying to noodle out the concepts of dominance and submission. Being a Christian, he has some extra struggles that the more heathen brethren have to deal with. In Ephesians 5, Paul enjoins men to become heads of the household as Christ was head of the church.

In 1st Corinthians 7, however, he does allow for some mutual submission, specifically pointing out the fact that women have the right to get theirs, which was terribly revolutionary thinking in the 1st century Roman-Greco world.

Christian Husband actually has two problems he is trying to noodle through (he has more, but I'm only writing about 2 of them). First, there is the seeming Biblical mandate that men be the head of the house. This is what evangelical and fundamental Christians have been told and have believed forever, right? Just as Christ was head of the church, so a man should be the head over his wife, right? But Christ (while on earth) had a Lordship that was assertive and yet was totally submissive at the same time. The man went to the cross as a lamb goes to slaughter! But He managed to redeem that totally, and us in the process.

And this is the second problem Christian Husband is trying to noodle out; just what does submissiveness look like, anyway? And how can a body go from being a submissive to being dominant? His attempts to be more dominant have not been successful at all (as of this writing on the 16th). His wife has chafed every single time (as of this writing) that he has tried to assert himself.

I may have some advice somewhere, but take it with a grain of salt. He's getting sex and I' m not. I just hate to see a brother blow a good thing.

First off, there is a question as to whether there is room for a female lead Christian household. If we look at the woman depicted in Proverbs 31, this is a woman who is very much in charge of her life. She makes things, sells things, buys property, starts and runs a myriad of businesses while her husband lounges by the city gate. She considered the property and started the vineyard...did she consult her husband? There's no mention of her consulting him, so maybe it is just assumed. But then again, why depict a woman with such assertive power if the goal is to cultivate submission?

I know the teachings and believed them for the longest time. I'm not so sure on this anymore. I think there is room for a female lead household without being contrary to Biblical teaching. Whoever is leading the household should be leading the household in a Godly direction. Just as we have women pastors and teachers as heads of churches and church organizations (Joyce Meyer, anyone?) I think a female led household might be okay. But the key will be in the individuals adjusting to their roles. It won't work if the husband is always challenging her anymore than a male led household works if his wife is always challenging and disrespecting him. THAT is the point Paul was making, which is consistent with what all the other Apostles were writing. Love must lead everything else.

Christian Husband's wife had found some real satisfaction and enjoyment in a role that is clearly dominant. He services her orally for quite a long time, and then is rewarded with intercourse. In her mind that's all he wanted, anyway, was to get off. But he clearly has enjoyed getting her off. He enjoys seeing her pleasure. What I'm seeing is a struggle between where he is currently and where he THINKS he SHOULD be. According to the Christian teaching we've been given, he should be the head. He should be dominant. He should be in charge, just like Christ is in charge of the church, right?

It seems as though his dissatisfaction stems more from what he thinks he ought to be doing rather than what is actually going on. The reality is not matching up, and it seems as though things are taking a decidedly wrong turn. But the reality is that he and his wife are getting along better, having more sex, having more intimacy when SHE is in charge.

Case in point; he shared one particularly steamy encounter where he had been working her over for awhile orally, and was ready to get on for a good ride. She was not quite ready yet, so she first rode his face for awhile. It was a totally HOTT encounter, at least for me who has some real hot fantasies involving just this sort of thing. This sort of thing being known as "queening"(<--warning, that link is NOT worksafe!) because it is the woman totally asserting her dominance.

My advice is tempered by not knowing Christian Husband's real and total level of satisfaction with this, beyond the religious conflicts. But I would try to deal in terms of the reality of it. This isn't unlike what Tajalude had to learn, only the opposite. Her husband, who might deny being submissive, was really and truly better and happier when Tajalude was sexually dominant. And she went on to discover a more dominant self, although I'm not sure she ever found a true contentment with it for the same reason Christian Husband struggles: mainly it really goes against the cultural grain.

So my advice is that a person will be happier if they recognize and go with who they are moreso than what society says they should be. No doubt Christian Husband's wife is familiar with the teaching of "Husband as head" and is just as ambivalent in her feelings of a dominant role. Christian Husband states that he believes that deep down, she wants to submit. This might be true or it might not be. What is apparent is her actions and her total discomfort with giving up the control she has. A zebra may want to be a camel, but that desire is not going to change the stripes to humps. And that desire gets in the way of enjoying being a zebra.

Christian Husband denies being a submissive. However, my question is why does he struggle so hard being dominant? He had dominant enough role models, didn't he? Why all this internal struggle?

I think part of it is cultural. Men today have some terrible issues in this area, because women are not so economically dependent on them. Men are struggling to catch up and adjust to a movement that has empowered women to the detriment of men's dominance. However, there is an opportunity if a fellow can realize it. Mainly, he can try out a more submissive role to see how it fits. That's not to say he can't be assertive in other areas or even dominating. In the chastity belt group, you find some extremely alpha-type businessmen who you would never believe had pony boy fantasies. But they do. They are no less men for it, and most are infinitely happier for it.

Christian Husband may not be a good submissive or even a happy one. I do not know and I'd argue he doesn't either because he hasn't given it a fair chance. Is it worth thinking about? I'd definitely try it if I were him. Otherwise, he is liable to blow a totally good thing he has going.

Okay, so this DOES belong in Unsolicited Advice, which is where it will go. My own noodling, apart from Husband's, belongs elsewhere.